Chasing fate
by ffelinas
Summary: Edward is always chasing something; he doesn't let anyone control him until he meets Jasper. Maybe he can finally embrace his secret dream of being dominated?
1. Chapter 1

_AN: This is my first story. I finally work up the courage to publish it you. It's terrifying but really exciting. I hope you like it._

_**I want to thank **__**the Project team beta for their help with this story. **_

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All my short life, I've been living on the edge. I'm the kind of person who was always chasing something. It could be chasing my career, sex, adrenaline or simply a feeling. And to say the truth, it's not fun. Of course it brought me to amazing experiences; I climbed Mt. Everest when I was 21, swam with turtles in New Caledonia, and I worked in 4 different countries. Not to mention the countless amazing people I met.

I also had my share of failed experiences; I broke my back while skiing and ended up in the hospital for months, I had a few fights, girls that I dumped before I had the chance to feel something, and I even dumped a few guys. I didn't want to fall for anybody. I don't even think it's possible since I would never open up to another human being.

I'm a very private person. I don't like to let people in because I think they will always end up abandoning me at some point. So why would I bother?

See, all my life I've tried to find someone who deserves me. I don't want to be condescending but it's true, I've never in my life found someone with whom I can have a real conversation, someone  
who I can consider my equal. I don't want them to, but for some strange reason, people tend to feel inferior to me. I don't know why they act that way.

The last person I was in a "relationship" with was Emmett. The sex was great between us but as soon as it ended I just wanted to punch him in the face. He kept saying: "You know Eddie, just because I fuck you doesn't mean I'm gay." Thank God he had a pretty ass.

One day he came to see me at my apartment. He told me that he had met someone and was now ready to "commit". He had already talked to his parents about him and they decided to become exclusive. Thus, Emmett decided that it was time for us to have a "real conversation."

"Eddie, you may be a great guy but for the three months that we've known each other, I can tell that underneath the 'Go fuck yourself, no one controls me' surface, you just need someone with  
whom you can let go, stop being always in control. You have to find someone you can rely on because otherwise you're gonna end up alone. You need to start trusting people." Emmett had said.

I was in shock. Was what he was telling me true? Was I afraid of people? Did I have to control everything? Did I need to be…dominant? If submission is what I'm looking for, would I be able to do it? I didn't know. In my life, I've always been in control of everything. I chose how I wanted to live my life, who I fucked and if anyone said otherwise, they could go to hell. My parents were the first ones to suffer the consequences of my need for independence. When I turned 18, they had no other choice but to let me go.

I grew up in the small town Asharoken, NY, but I had all the advantages that living near a big city provided. My parents were and are wonderful people and they raised me well. I have values and faith but I'm open-minded and I'm proud to call myself bisexual.

Though, since Emmett, I have to admit that I've been more interested in women. I was trying to prove to myself that I can be happy by being the dominant one in a relationship. To tell the truth, I feel, despite all the feminism stuff, a woman wants a man that takes care of her, protects her and loves her.

This is why if I wanted to be dominated, I would choose a man. Men are powerful, confidant and they can make you feel safe. I wanted to be that kind of man, the protector, the one you can rely on and I tried so hard to be that kind of man. Until now, it worked, I was happy. Well, that's what I thought. Deep down though, I knew it was totally different.

Emmett's words woke up some desires I tried to fight for a long time. To be honest, being the dominant one was exhausting; I always had to be in charge, to be the one that made decisions and I was starting to get sick of it.

However, in my world, even if I pretended that I didn't have limits, I did. I wasn't sure my education taught me how to face those feelings. In my opinion, a man didn't submit; he didn't bend down in front of anyone.

The few relations I had with men have always been rough, animalistic, a full of pure desire. It was a quick, hard fuck. Not that I'm complaining. On the contrary, it feels good to be spanked once and awhile. It's just that right now I want to be with a girl. I want to protect her, take care of her and perhaps love her.

So now I'm in Paris. I've started this new job in a Medical Institute for Cancer where I'm a physicist. I'm 26 and I fucking love being here. Paris is so much greater than you can imagine. In appearance, Parisians don't give a fuck about anybody but deep down, they are really nice people when you get to know them. They're just scared of the unknown.

I currently live and work in the 5ème arrondissement. My favorite time in Paris is by far the night. Everything is slowing down and beautiful, nobody yells and there are always good bands in town.

I was on my way to meet a few co-workers for a concert at La Flèche D'or. I had been there once before. It's a small place but there is always good music and cheap drinks. It's a bit out of the  
center of Paris and placed between an old theater and an inn. The outside looks like an old house but once you're inside, you're hit by the beauty of the place. It's decorated with long thick burgundy  
curtains and subdued lights. They don't have a lot of tables but you're not going there to sit. You're here for the atmosphere, it's like a private refuge for Parisians after work, and you don't see a lot of tourists in here.

When I arrived, I spotted Alice in the crowd and waved at her to meet me at the bar. I ordered a beer and waited for her to join me. She was a sweet girl. She was short, with dark hair and pale skin. She had a French style; she wore Chloe designs clothes and high Christian Louboutin heels. When you see her, you want to hold her tight and protect her. She seems so fragile.

"Hey, Edward! You came." Even a few feet away, I heard the surprise in her voice.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss a night out with you," I said, wrapping an arm around her waist to hug her.

"I'm sure…" Her tiny hand on my neck indicated I should bend down to kiss her. She kissed my cheek and held me tight.

I was used to physical contact after all this time in France, but I was very surprised at the intimate gesture. We weren't that close but I welcomed it anyway and tightened my grip around her waist.

"Edward! You're her-" James stopped when he saw how Alice and I were holding each other. "Oh, sorry to interrupt. I'm gonna go to the men's room." His eyes never left Alice, but before he turned, he shot me an evil glance that ran through my spine.

"What was that? It was weird," I questioned Alice.

"Nothing, James has been trying to get with me for a couple months but he never worked up the nerve to ask me out…" She said her voice full of regret.

I met James my first day at work, we were in the same department but we didn't have much in common besides the love to party. James is tall, blond, intelligent and very confident, maybe too confident. He must've been pretty into her otherwise he would've never been such a coward. He doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who backs down to anyone, especially in front of a girl.

"You never thought about asking him out?" I asked Alice.

"Poor Edward, maybe in New York girls do that, but contrary to your beliefs, French girls don't throw themselves at guys necks. We just wait and see if it will happen or not," she said looking for James in the corner of the eye.

"But don't get me wrong, we act like this only with the people we want a relationship with…and you don't want a relationship, right?" She said while caressing the back of my neck.

"He-I… don't know… James seems to really like you, maybe you should give him a little more time?" I said surprised by what she was implying.

"I'm tired of waiting," she whispered, grabbed my neck, pulled me closer and kissed me.

Her lips were so soft. They moved on mine like she'd done it all her life. There was music on in the background but I couldn't hear what it was because the people around me were talking too loud. In this moment, I was aware of everything around me. Her smell attacked me and drowned me in an icy place. Her touch felt like a million needles in my neck. I wasn't sure if it was something I liked or not. It was nice to be close to someone but I felt like she was assaulting me and I froze. I didn't know how to react. I mean Alice is a nice, beautiful girl but I didn't want to cause any problems. Of course if James wasn't in the picture, I would grab her and show her how we treat women in the U.S. Unfortunately, James wouldn't get out of my mind, so I just pushed her a little.

"Alice…I can't, James…" She didn't listen and kissed me again but this time, it was more passionate and desperate.

My mind gave up, my dick twitched and I kissed her back, letting my tongue massage hers with all the sweetness I could give. It'd been too fucking long since I'd really held and kissed someone. The icy touch was still here but I was becoming more accustomed to it.

I let my hands travel up her body and cupped her checks, but I realized that she wasn't paying attention. She was looking at James who was coming back to where we were.

Before he arrived, she pushed me back and murmured, "Sorry Edward, like you said I just needed to do something to get a reaction."

I was shocked; I knew she wasn't interested in me, but using me to get James' attention! I felt manipulated.

All I wanted was a drink to forget the humiliation and the suddenly awakened area between my legs. I headed to the bar and ordered two shots and a beer. I drained those quickly and ordered more.

Half an hour later, my head started to spin and I saw James and Alice kissing in a chair. I couldn't take this, it brought back all the loneliness I was feeling before the 8, 9…11 drinks I had.

I was so sad, I always tried to give the image of someone who was happy and in control but what happened tonight proved to me that I didn't have any control. I was just a lonely man who pushed everyone who ever loved me away.

My heart was aching. I haven't let myself care for someone in a long time, and this fact hurt me so much. I had high expectations but that didn't mean I wished to be single. I wanted to take care of someone, to be there for them. But right now, I was alone in a foreign country with absolutely no hope that this was going to change in the near future.

Right then, the band started and all I wanted was to go back my apartment and sleep until I forgot about this. I made my way out of the club and headed to the subway, but as soon as I was outside, I fell down in the middle of the road, head first.

The next thing I saw was a beautiful man inches from my face telling me not to move and stay lying down. It was like a dream, he smelled so good. His voice was like music to my ears. I just wanted to fall asleep while he held me and hummed me to sleep. I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed having those hands on me, touching me everywhere, my face, my hair, my arms, my legs. I should have been worried, he could rob me easily, but I felt safe. I wanted to enjoy the moment. For the first time, I could breathe.

All too soon, the reality of the situation came back to me. A stranger was touching me intimately. So I reacted like any Parisian would have.

"Fuck off, man! I'm fine, get your fucking hands off me." I shot without even thinking. I was in the middle of the street, in a foreign country at 1:00 AM, drunk so it was normal to be a little aggressive.

The man frowned and moved a few feet away. I instantly regretted my words. Why was I always such a jerk?

I stood up and couldn't help moving closer to him. He looked so sad. I felt guilt rush through me. I stayed close to him and looked in his eyes for what seemed like hours. In reality, it was just a few seconds.

His cheeks blushed under my gaze. I liked it so much, how could he have such a reaction to me? I was nothing compared to him. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever laid my eyes on. He had blond, curly hair; his body was well defined and his smell… it was intoxicating.

His eyes were so expressive, they screamed at me: sex, love, lust, companionship. Besides that, I could also see the sadness and loneliness that ruled his life. All those feelings reminded me of my life. Ever since 18, I'd been alone, chasing fate to only find nothing. I might have a good career, enough money to live a comfortable life but none of that was worth being alone.

So without thinking, I lifted my hand and slowly brought it to his cheek. I just wanted to tell him that I knew. I knew how he felt and that it's alright, he didn't have to hide from me.

Right when I was about to touch him, he flinched and took a few steps away from me.

I couldn't let him do that, not when I could make him feel better. I could make him feel good, kiss him and make love to him like I'd never wanted to do before in my life. I wanted to lose myself in him.

_Edward! Quite the daydream! Talk to him or you're going to lose him!_

"You can't, no one can. I shouldn't have done it…I shouldn't…" My angel suddenly said with regret.

With that, he ran away. I tried to chase him but he was much faster than I, too fast, and he was out of sight in a few seconds.

For the first time in my life I didn't know what to do. I wanted to chase him, to find and heal him. I wanted to finally let someone in and give them power. Unfortunately, how was I going to do that if I didn't know his name or address?

I didn't know how, but I had to, I couldn't let him go. He was the first person in my life that I felt connected to. After all this time, all the things I'd done, I felt like all the events that happened to me led me here to meet him, to help him and to love him.


	2. Chapter 2

I stood there, unable to move. How could I? My only hope was running away from me. He didn't even give me a chance to ask his name. I wanted to know everything about my angel, what he did for a living, where he lived, where he came from, everything he had done since he came into my life.

It's so weird because I only saw him for a total of ten minutes, but I already felt attached to him. It was so powerful, as if all the feelings I've felt in the past and all of the people I had been with had disappeared.

I had to find him; I had to tell him that he had to be a part of my life now. Even if I didn't see him again, he completely changed my point of view on love. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I knew that I was capable of loving and completely letting someone in.

Eventually, I had to get out of the street and make my way to my apartment. There was nothing I could do tonight.

I lived in a 3 room apartment in Saint Germain des Près. I was near the Luxembourg Gardens. My entire apartment was painted with luminous warm colors. My living room was filled with light, the way I liked it. My bedroom had warmer colors with a huge bed and wardrobe. The curtains are burgundy to break the luminous side. All my furniture came from a design artist in Paris.

I had a good life until I met him, and I was unaware of what I was missing. On my way to my apartment, I couldn't think of anything else beside those piercing blue eyes. They were haunting me.

Once I was in my apartment, I didn't have the energy to shower or even undress. I climbed in my bed and let my mind fantasize. Lying there, I started to pay attention to my nonstop hard on. I hadn't realized it, but I had been hard since the second I felt his hands on me. It was strange because I don't think any man could stand being that excited, but so much was going on in my head that totally eclipsed my body's reaction.

I started to unbutton my jeans and immediately felt better so I lowered them to the middle of my thighs, anxious to start. To my surprise, I saw my angel in the room telling me to slide my jeans lower. Without even thinking, I was doing exactly what he told me. I had completely surrendered to him, and he knew it, so I slid my jeans down to my ankles.

"Spread your legs…hum yes…wider." he commanded. At this point, I was so turned on that the moment I touched myself, I was sure I would explode.

"Don't you dare come before I tell you to; you are mine, and you do what I allow you to."

"Yes" I whispered, my breath suddenly unsteady.

"Yes what…?" He replied, his voice full of lust.

"Yes, master." I was surprised by the force of my voice.

"Don't ever forget who I am. I'm the only who can make you so hard, who can enter your soul and give you the most powerful orgasm you've ever had." He wasn't arrogant, he simply said the truth. I couldn't ever find someone like him, my perfect angel.

I moaned my response, unable to voice an answer. In a second, he was beside me, his tongue licking my earlobe.

"Now, I want you to touch yourself. You can touch anywhere you want, except your beautiful aching dick. We'll take care of it later." He made sure that his breath caressed my ear.

I groaned, and my eyes rolled back in my head.

"Edward, think of my hands on you, think of all the things you wanted me to do." My eyes squeezed shut. The intensity of his voice and eyes didn't allow me to follow his order correctly.

"Look at me; I want to be able to see _you_ when you touch yourself for me." Even if it was an order, I could hear the tenderness in his voice.

He stood beside the bed and waited for me to begin. I was so turned on that my mind refused to work, so I gave up total control of my body. I started to touch my ear where he just whispered. I wanted to have a connection with him. I lowered my hand to my neck; let my finger ghost over my adam's apple, imagining his tongue circling it. I couldn't help but moan; the thought of his hand or his tongue on me was driving me crazy. I felt a drop of precum leak on my belly. I thought I was going to come without even touching my dick, but I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to disappoint him; I wanted to see pride in his eyes, to prove to him that I deserved the love and pleasure that he gave me.

I lowered my hands to my nipples and softly touched them. They were already hard; the sensitivity of it caused my back to arch, and I groaned, looking at him. He was so beautiful, his black jeans were unbuttoned, letting appear his beautiful, long and thick cock. He was, if it was possible, even harder than me. Everything in this man was incredible. I started to pinch my nipples harder, and I watched with satisfaction how his face turned into a wicked smirk.

"You like it rough, don't you?"

"Y-yes…sir." I tried to say, my voice barely above a whisper.

"We are going to have so much fun; you have no idea what I can do with your body. If you surrender to me, I can give you a whole new definition for pleasure. The problem is that I can only do that if you trust me completely, body and soul, he said, stopping his movements. "Do you trust me Edward?" The last part was said with doubt and fear.

I immediately replied, "I trust you completely. Since the second I saw you. You have all my body and only you have ever had my soul. You can always be sure of that master."

"Good, now you've pleased me enough. You are allowed to touch every part of your body that you want, but think of what I want to do, what I crave to do." I just noticed that he started to touch himself and that statement made a deep groan exit my chest.

I knew it was a trick. The easiest thing to do was grab my cock and end the torture, but I couldn't. I knew that if he was the one who was touching me, I would want it to last forever. So I just continued to tease my nipples for a good time and went down my navel, picturing his tongue licking every part of my torso. My finger ghosted along the V of my hips and tangled in my pubic hairs.

I looked at him and saw he was on the verge of coming, it was time. I grabbed my cock with my left hand and used the other one to massage my balls. I collected all the precum and used it to lube my painfully hard cock. The moment my thumb touched my head, I knew I wouldn't last long, but I wanted to delay the moment and enjoy the sight of my angel so turned on because of me. I could never understand how someone like him could have such a reaction to me. It was unbelievable, nearly a miracle, what were the chances that he felt the same way?

I palmed my head and lowered my right hand to my entrance. I massaged it tenderly for a few minutes and then entered a finger. I paused and looked at my angel. He was mesmerized, he stared at my finger and groaned. His pace sped up and he came on my thighs and bed. He continued to stroke his shaft until he was soft and even after that gave a few final pumps. He was making the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard.

Watching him come was the most wonderful sight I'd ever seen, and I couldn't take it anymore. I fisted my hand on my cock and gave five long hard pumps and I came harder than ever before. I fought the urge to close my eyes and maintain contact with him. I could feel all of my cum on my stomach, but I couldn't stop. In this moment, I could see all the love and lust he had for me, and those feeling were a soft caress to my heart. I just stood there lying on my bed and we stared at each other. I tried to convey all the love, desire, respect, adoration and devotion I had for him.

After what felt like hours, he finally climbed beside me in bed and spooned me. With his breath on my neck, he whispered tender, loving words to me.

While I was alone in my bed trying to imagine all of that, I wondered how it was possible to have such a vivid fantasy about someone you just met. Falling asleep rapidly after my release, my last thought was going to my angel who I had to find or otherwise I could never be whole.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, I woke up with a huge hangover. Thankfully it was nothing a couple of magic pills wouldn't take away rapidly.

I made my way to the kitchen. It was a designer kitchen that looked like something out of a gourmet restaurant's kitchen. I was pretty sure that if I hadn't liked science so much, I would have been a chef. I loved cooking. The feeling you got when you put different ingredients together and made a perfect meal, it was magic.

I started my usual espresso and turned the music on. While I was waiting for my coffee, my mind drifted back to last night. I couldn't believe Alice used me like that, just because she wanted to prove something to James. It was unbelievable.

Lately, I was considering quitting my job. I loved living in Paris, but my job wasn't satisfying enough. Being a medical physicist was a lot of work and responsibility. I wasn't allowed to fail, if that was the case, the repercussion could be dramatic. With hindsight, I realized that the pressure wasn't such a bad thing; it kept me focus and effective. Since I worked in a hospital, people's lives were involved and as scary as this thought was, I felt like I meant something; that I could help people in my own way. It was a prestigious, well-paid job with a company apartment and practically everything that a physicist could dream of. Although at this moment, I wasn't sure if the good points were enough.

I took my coffee on the balcony. The view here was stunning; the Luxembourg Gardens in the morning were so quiet that I could actually hear birds and Paris came back to life. This was one of the reasons it felt so good to live in the "City of Light".

There were two sides to Paris; one was always so busy with cars and people everywhere, then the other was calm, beautiful and peaceful, quietly alive. It was a perfect representation of my life. I worked during the day, constantly busy trying to do everything because there is always too much to do and not enough time to do it. Once the sun set, I was more relaxed and did things at a slower pace. I could be myself. Maybe that was why I loved cooking so much, because while you cook you can't rush things, you have to melt ingredients gradually together, take your time.

I could think whatever I wanted, but in the end, I loved Paris too much to leave. Besides, how could I leave knowing my angel lived here? Thinking of him, it brought back all the "how could I find him," problems. Maybe I could go to La flèche D'or after work, the bartender or the waitress might have heard about him before. He certainly couldn't be anonymous looking like that.

I glanced at the clock and realized I was late for work. I took a quick shower, grabbed the first clothes I found and headed to work.

While I was running, my thoughts kept going back to him, how his hands felt on me, how I wanted them to do so much more. I couldn't stop my mind and soon I pictured him running with me, his beautiful hair in the wind screaming to be touched, our hands barely touching.

I had to stop doing that, this was ridiculous. I was fantasizing about a guy who not only was a complete stranger but who also ran away from me. The few minutes we had together didn't matter, he wasn't interested in me. I probably imagined all of that; he was just being polite, helping me because I was in the middle of the street. I'm so stupid for hoping that he-

_Stop__it Edward! You don't even know if he is remotely interested in you. You need to know that before you can mourn lost love._

I had just arrived at work and was about to enter the building when I spotted James in the fucking hallway smirking at me. Hurrying up, I ran and was in my office in less than ten seconds. I didn't want to face him or Alice, I needed time to digest everything, they could be happy or miserable together I didn't want to know.

I logged on the computer and immersed myself in work. That way, people wouldn't dare disturbed me; I was busy. Plus, it kept my mind away from _him_ for 9 hours. At least that's what I thought. Four hours later, I was on my lunch break which meant I bought a sandwich in a Boulangerie near work and ate it in my office. I still didn't want to face any of my co-workers. It was a hospital, I was sure that everyone knew what happened last night.

I sat there and my traitor mind started thinking about my little fantasy from yesterday. The domination part wasn't something new. Usually it was a small part of the desire, just the beginning, before "making love." This one was intriguing and fucking exciting.

I had always been attracted to this forbidden word but I thought it was more the idea of it. I had never wanted to act on it, I didn't want to fulfill my fantasies, maybe it was because of fear to be rejected or cut myself from the world.

The strange part was that, even in my dream, I was always the dominant one, never once did I submit to someone. As a matter of fact, in my life I had only bottomed once and it wasn't pleasant. I was young and stupid and I thought the first man I met would be the one. In the back of my mind, I knew that I secretly wished to find someone I could give this part of me, but I didn't know how to trust anyone.

So why now? Why him? Yes, he was extremely beautiful and seemed to be a gentle, caring man but behind that I could see the fire. Behind all the sadness, lust and fear that I saw yesterday, I could see that he craved to have the power, to let go, give in to his primal senses. To be honest, I thought I would love to be in that position but with him, I wanted it to be more. I wanted to be the one he took, he ravished and dominated. Maybe I was in a phase of my life where being the dominant one wasn't enough. I didn't know, things were complicated. I was sure of one thing, if I had the chance I would let go and surrender to him totally if he wanted me.

My lunch break was almost over, so I just regrouped my thoughts and put them aside. I had to concentrate on work and try not to think of him for the next five hours. I could do that, I had never thought of him before yesterday. It couldn't be that hard. Of course, the last hour at work was the hardest but that wasn't unusual.

Once I was out of work, it was seven p.m. I had just enough time to go to La Flèche D'or before the crowd arrived. By the time I got there, I made up the perfect speech. I didn't want people to think that I was some kind of creepy stalker.

As soon as I was in, I made my way to the bar. Bartenders always knew everything that happened in their bar. Lucky for me, he was a good looking guy with messy black hair, a really tight white shirt and even tighter black pants. His look told me that it wouldn't be hard to get answers if I used the Eddie charm.

"Hi, excuse me, can you help me?" I asked while resting my elbows on the bar.

"It depends on what you looking for…" Even if his words were implying something, I could see that it would be harder than I thought because he didn't even shoot me a glance.

"I was here last night with some friends, and I think I had a little too much drink. When I tried to leave, I fell down on the street and accidentally lost my wallet." I tried to catch his eyes but failed miserably. I was beginning to seriously doubt my flirting skills.

"Too bad for you but it seems that happened to everyone last night." He was starting to get annoyed. "Someone came ten minutes ago and claimed that he lost his cell phone right in front of the bar too."

"Oh, yeah….there was a guy when I got out…we bumped into each other…maybe it was the same guy. Did he give you his name or number or… anything?" Even I could hear the desire in my voice.

"No, and something tells me that you too aren't looking for a lost wallet or cell phone. It's weird because he also was really interested to know if someone else came to ask for a lost object." He eyed me and continued, "I have to admit that you both are pretty hot… in a desperate way." I was starting to get pissed, how could this bartender make fun of us like that? Thank God, life taught me that yelling wouldn't get me anything.

"I know, but please did he leave anything that could point me to where I could find him? I have to see him. Please." I made my puppy-dog face, trying to forget my anger and focus on him.

"I don't know what to say, I think his name is Jasper. Maybe you can still find him in the back, he wanted to smoke before leaving..."

I didn't even hear what he said after that. I just ran to the backdoor and prayed that he was still there. Behind the bar there was a little space where people could smoke or just get fresh air. It wasn't huge but it was beautiful and going there was quiet and allowed me to take a break of all the music and people when I was here for a show.

As soon as I was out, I stopped. He was there, right in front of me. I could only see his back but I recognized his curly blond hair. He was perfect.

Suddenly, I was scared. Scared because I didn't know this man, he was a complete stranger and yet I was willing to give him anything in order to be with him. What if he didn't want me? Could I face the rejection I would see in his eyes? I had fantasized about being with him but maybe it was just fantasy, just desire. Sometimes dreaming it's better than living it. What if I didn't enjoy being in a real relationship? Could I open up to someone and risk my heart in order to test myself? Could I really use someone like this? I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. I just froze, I stopped moving, breathing, even thinking and I waited for him to acknowledge me.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally turned around with a huge smile on his face. It illuminated all of his face. My memories didn't do him justice, he was absolutely stunning. At this moment, all my doubts and fears faded away. He was here with me; it was the only thing important. I suddenly understood that no matter what I was thinking, I could never turn away from him. Everything in me wanted him. I craved his touch, his breath on my face, his eyes piercing my mind. Oh my God, his eyes, how could I have spent twenty-four hours without looking in those beautiful, expressive blue eyes?

I was still unable to move. I wanted _him_ to come to me. His eyes trailed up and down my body. Once he noticed my pretty obvious erection that stood there since the minute I saw him, he moved closer to me at an amazingly slow pace. We were standing a few inches from each other and yet I wasn't satisfied. I wanted more. I wanted to move my hips into his so that he could feel what he was doing to me. I wanted to close the distance between our lips and taste his flavor from the inside.

He brought his lips to my ear and murmured, "Hi, did you miss me? I'm sorry for running away like that yesterday." I shivered and closed my eyes. I couldn't answer him; I was too mesmerized by his sent.

"I missed you last night," he continued. This statement was followed by his tongue gently caressing my earlobe. That was it, my eyes rolled back and I let out a groan that erupted from deep in my chest.

"Hum… me too. Why weren't you with me? Why did you run away?" My voice was barely above a whisper. I didn't know where I found the will to speak.

I couldn't even understand what was happening but he was suddenly a few feet away from me. I saw the hurt in his eyes and didn't understand what I'd done.

"It's not you. You have to understand that there is some stuff about me that I can't tell you right now and I'm not even sure I can one day, Edward." His eyes were downcast when he told me this. It made me so sad that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

Wait a minute, how did he know my name? How could he know my name? I'd never told him, hadn't I? I was trying to remember last night and I didn't think I told him my name. Was this a joke? Was James behind this or some of my "friends" at work?

I was starting to get really angry because I really thought he could be the one. After 26 years of wandering in the street, chasing something, anything that could make me feel alive, I hoped I found that thing but like everything in my life, it was a lie.

He tried to come closer, looking in my eyes like I was an afraid little boy but I just backed away, getting angrier the more time passed.

"How the fuck do you know my name?" I practically screamed through my teeth. The confusion was limpid in his eyes and he was clearly embarrassed by his little slip.

"Tell me the fucking truth or I swear to God I'm going to pass through that door and you are never going to see me again." Saying those words were more painful than I thought it would be. Even thinking about never seeing him again made my heart ached.

I was giving him a chance to explain himself but he didn't do anything. He just stood there watching me as if he was trying to speak with his eyes but I couldn't. I couldn't start to trust this guy if he wasn't even truthful with me. I didn't believe in blind faith, it wasn't for me.

I gathered all my courage and the last will I had, turned around and started walking away. I only made two steps when I heard a sob behind me.

I knew that I had two choices. I could get out this place, this bar, quite my job and leave Paris, putting this part of my life behind me, but this prospect didn't seem full of happiness. The other choice wasn't so bright either; if I turned around, I knew the sight of Jasper's tears would be too much. I had to protect him, to reassure him that if I left him, I would probably die alone and I would never learn what love is.

How could I trust someone fully? How could people do that? Are they so stupid that they accept to let their heart on the table for the first to come and take? Didn't they value their heart? This was so stupid, but I couldn't help but think is it worth it? Could you actually give your heart to someone and trust him not to break it? More importantly, was _**I**_ able to give my heart to someone?


	4. Chapter 4

**_EPOV_**

_I couldn't help but think, is it worth it? Could you actually give your heart to someone and trust him for not break it? More importantly, was _I _able to give my heart to someone?_

I couldn't. I had to run away -leave the damn club. Even if that man, Jasper, had the potential to become more than a stranger to me, I couldn't give him my heart.

I was so scared. I was afraid that he didn't love me back or that even if he did, I might be unable to return his love the way he wanted it. I craved having someone in my life that knew me - the real me, not the charade that I put on for the outside world. I wanted it so much, but how could I? I didn't know how to love someone; no one ever taught me how. Sure, I loved my parents, but it wasn't the same. Loving a partner, a companion, seemed impossible. I always pictured the person I would spend the rest of my life with as my best friend with whom I had sex. Strangely, even as a bisexual, I always saw myself old and grey with a _man_ by my side, but how could I do that if I didn't open up? People tended to leave me once they had gotten to know me. No one was persistent enough to get through the shell.

I didn't believe in love at first sight. Of course, intense attraction exists, but love, I didn't think so. For me, love was something you built with trust and getting to know one another. You could feel unbearable physical attraction, but love? Come on, that kind of feeling isn't simple. But with Jasper, it was. Yes, he was a walking god; I couldn't believe how beautiful he was. Everything about him screamed perfection; his hair, his beautiful eyes, his full pink lips that begged to be kissed, even his Adam's apple was perfect. All I wanted to do was worship him with my hands and mouth.

Beside the physical attraction, I felt connected to him. It was like he could understand me, see through me. I wasn't sure you would call it love, but it was there and I wanted to explore it to see what could happen. Maybe if I took baby steps, I would open up to him.

I stopped near the door. I couldn't leave him. Even if a part of me wanted to, I couldn't. I didn't hear him sob after the first time and I was relieved. I couldn't bear to hear how much pain I caused him. I made my angel cry. What kind of monster was I to hurt people like that? He was pleading for understanding and trust, and I literally turned my back on him. I started feeling remorse and guilt emerging, but I pushed them back. It wasn't the time to think about it. I had to act.

I turned around and saw him, shoulders arched and head bent down. He looked so sad. I tried to take a step toward him, but he stepped away.

"Please, I'm sorry. I freaked out… it's just that… that… I have some trust issues," I tried to explain, but seeing him in his state was heartbreaking.

Suddenly, he stood up and stared at me, incredulous.

"Who do you think you are for yelling at me and then making some pathetic excuse like that? I knew I was wasting my time with you. You're just like everyone else; you always need to scream at people to prove to yourself that you're better than them. That you control the situation. Well, fuck you, _Edward_! I'm tired of people like you." He emphasized the usage of my name, totally eclipsing the fact that he hadn't yet told me how he knew it. "I won't let anybody control me or make me feel guilty." With that, he turned around and walked towards the backyard gate to leave.

I was shocked. When did the sweet, scared Jasper become the pissed, determined, and fucking hot Jasper? I didn't have time to think about what he said, I just ran.

Unlike last night, I was able to reach him before he was out of sight. Thank God he didn't run. I tried to grab his arm to make him stop, but he jerked away violently.

"Jasper, please stop and talk to me," I found myself pleading, still feeling the sting of his rejection.

He stopped but didn't face me. He was breathing heavily and trembling. I didn't know what to do. Afraid to make this worse, I just stood there waiting for him to speak again.

After what seemed like an eternity, he turned and looked at me. The intensity in his eyes was intimidating, but it was also an incredible turn on. I felt an array of emotions: anger, lust, sadness, fear, and shame, but most of all, I felt determination. He was beautiful.

"I can't talk to you, Edward. You can plead, beg, and do everything you want, but in the end you're the one who pushed me away, the one with trust issues. You're the one who gave up before it even started." A shiver ran down my spine in fear that he was saying goodbye. I didn't want a goodbye; he couldn't let me go back to chasing the world. I was done chasing, I wanted him.

"That's not true, I want you. I want so much to be able to trust you…" I said barely above a whisper. I was well aware I was begging, but I couldn't care less.

After that, there was a minute of dead silence, we were both lost in our thoughts. He came closer to me and slowly brushed the back of his hand across my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.

"I want you, too, but can you behave for me?" he said, his voice trembling. Was he implying what I thought he was implying? Or did my imagination just take over the situation again? All I knew was that my dick responded to his call. I was already hard, but I was afraid my balls would have permanent injuries. They might be blue all the time now.

Waiting for an answer, he slowly slid his hand into my hair, fisted it and gave a gentle tug. It didn't hurt; in fact, it was a very pleasant sensation. His hand still trembled in my hair. I wondered if it was the first time he'd done something like that.

"I-I'll try, please let me try. I want so much to be good for you." Surprisingly, I didn't feel shame when I pleaded with him.

He let go of my hair and took a step away. Fear ran through my veins. He was going to leave me; I could feel my heart start to break. Again, he became shy Jasper; he bent his head down and started to talk in a low voice.

"If… if you really want me, you have to know that it's been a long time for me. I didn't think I ever would want to be with someone again… in an intimate way." I tried to talk but he wouldn't let me. "Don't interrupt me. Edward, I'm… I have other expectations regarding sex. I like certain things that other people might not like and, I'm not… I had to stop doing it because… it doesn't matter now… I really like you. Do you understand me?" he asked.

It was hard to follow him. He was so moody, one second he acted like he was done with me and the next, he was gentle and timid. It didn't matter to me, though. Truth be told, I was afraid of the real subject but I had be sure. "Are you telling me that you like bondage, Dominant/submissive stuff?" I couldn't believe it. Fantasies of all kinds ran through mind. _The two of us sat in bed, Jasper's arm around me, slowly caressing my stomach. Me, attached to the bed by handcuffs and Jasper, fucking my dick ruthlessly. The last one shocked and excited me the most: I was on all fours in a dark place, a few candles glowing beside us while Jasper was fucking me from behind, and it felt incredible._

When I saw Jasper nod, I crashed my lips against his. It was our first kiss and it wasn't a soft one. I took his bottom lip between my teeth and pulled. Jasper then opened his mouth and let me in further. I thrust my tongue into his sweet, hot, and terribly skilled mouth until I was completely out of breath. I slid my lips to his neck and started to devour him. He tasted so good and my hands touched everything they could. I caressed his back, his ass, his waist and his soft curly hair. I didn't want the moment to be over. I wanted him to be mine, so my lips became more… aggressive. I sucked on the flesh of his collarbone and didn't let go for a few seconds, but it wasn't enough. Without even thinking, I opened my mouth as wide as I could, gave a long lick and bit hard.

As soon as my teeth sank into his flesh, Jasper groaned, pushed me back, and looked at me. We were panting, our lips were swollen, and our faces red. He looked marvellous; he was like an animal that had just been provoked. There was almost too much lust in the air, I couldn't resist. I brought my lips to his, but it was his time to take control, and I willingly complied. His taste was unbelievable; it was like red wine combined with cinnamon and orange blossom. He tasted like home, it was incredible. Jasper's tongue was very skilled. He didn't just thrust in my mouth; he explored every part of it with thoughtfulness. Sometimes he was more aggressive, but never in a hurry like I was.

His hands were firmly planted on my ass. He alternated between squeezing and caressing. During this, our dicks didn't even touch. It was a good thing because if they had, the first contact would have made me cum right in the middle of the street.

Oh God, the street. During all theses caresses and kisses, we were making out on the fucking street! I pulled away, embarrassed. What if someone saw us? Even if people were tolerant in Paris -and this was a relatively quiet street- I didn't think they would appreciate it if they saw us kissing like that. My cheeks started to turn red and my breath was uneven. I looked around to check if there was anybody walking around.

"No one saw us, calm down. Do you have anything to eat at your place?" he said in a hurry. I nodded, I couldn't voice my reply. "Good, I don't want to go out tonight. You go home and make dinner. I have to go get some stuff from my apartment." He was out of breath but managed to talk and wink at me. We exchanged addresses and cell phone numbers. I didn't understand why he wanted to go home, I was afraid it broke our moment. Sensing my unease, he came closer and murmured in my ear.

"I can't wait to see what other parts of your body can blush like your beautiful cheeks. Hopefully, you'll be a good boy and I'll show you my toys." And he bit my ear lobe.

My knees were suddenly very weak; I had to grip his arms in order not to fall. He took that as an invitation and gently brushed his lips against mine. It was such a different kiss than the other one, but the intensity was even more present. Sadly, as soon as it started, it was over.

He released me, turned around, and started to leave, but I had to get revenge. I caught him and pressed my dick gently up against his ass. Two could play at this game.

"I can't wait to have my cock buried in your tight ass." I licked the back of his neck and added in a whisper, "or yours in mine." I was shocked by the truth of my words, but even if I contemplated the idea of being intimate with Jasper -give myself to him- I wasn't sure that I wouldn't chicken out in the end.

I let him go and watched him walk away. I didn't turn before he rounded the corner; he gave me a quick glance and a huge smile. Just then, I was able to make my way back to my apartment. I forced myself not to think about his last words. The idea of toys and Jasper in my apartment was both appealing and really terrifying.

I stopped by the grocery store and bought some food and wine for tonight. By the time I got home, I realized that I only had one hour before Jasper arrived. I started my special: Edward's lamb stew; it never failed to seduce my guests. I cut up the vegetables and lamb then let them simmer on the stove. Once I finished setting the table, I headed to my room to get ready for Jasper.

I was becoming really stressed out. Jasper was coming to my house in less than thirty minutes, and I felt like shit. I stopped in front of the mirror and evaluated the damage. My lips were swollen from the kisses, my hair was in an indescribable mess, and I had blood shot eyes. I looked like I was still drunk from the night before, and I stank from being at work all day.

Working at a hospital with cancer patients and their families was really exhausting. I could feel the tiredness in both my body and soul. I looked older than my age; this kind of work brought wisdom and a certain joy to my life. When you see someone with an aggressive type of cancer and the treatment you provide works, it's nothing short of a miracle. After that, you want to enjoy life, stop over-thinking everything and just live. Don't misunderstand me, miracles don't happen every day. You learn quickly that you can't save everyone; but when it happens, you have to celebrate. That's why all the people who work within the medical system, at least in oncology, do this job -to save lives.

I decided that a shower was necessary. While shampooing my hair, my dick kept twitching, begging for attention. Little Edward was going to be disappointed, at least for the moment, I didn't have time to jerk off. To be honest, I kind of wanted my next orgasm to be from Jasper. After five minutes of showering, I couldn't take it anymore. Jasper was on my mind, and I was so hard it was painful. I did what had to be done. I switched to a "douche ecossaise". French use the expression when they take a hot and cold shower successively; it supposedly helps the blood circulation. I had mixed feelings about this, but it worked, my erection vanished. I could get ready without any distraction.

I dried my hair and picked something to wear. I didn't want to be over dressed, but I didn't want to be too casual, so I opted for black jeans with an indigo shirt.

Once I was dressed, I checked myself in the mirror and decided that my hair was good enough. I always preferred dishevelled hair. I made my way to the kitchen to check on my stew. It gave off a wonderful aroma throughout the entire apartment. It was almost ready so I started my rose flavoured rice. I wanted to impress him, but not too much. I didn't want to scare him off.

Just when I took the stew and rice off the heat, I heard the outside door buzz. I lived behind a building; you had to pass a first door then come through the private garden. It allowed my building to have less background noise. I buzzed him in and waited impatiently for him to climb the six flights. I didn't even wait for him to knock. As soon as I heard the elevator, I opened the door; my apartment took up the entire floor.

"Hi," I practically screamed. I was so excited. He looked handsome; he wore a pair of jeans, a black shirt, and some brown cowboy boots. I felt my heart ache for him; I wanted so much to trust him.

"Hello, Edward," he responded in a low voice. I didn't know why, but I felt uneasy, like I had done something wrong. I lowered my head and waited for him to say something.

"Hey, don't act like that. I'm happy to see you. It's just that… I'm nervous," he said shyly, handing me a bottle of white wine. I looked at him, my face still red. I needed to calm down.

"Would you like to come in Jasper?" Saying his name excited me. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, and foremost, lead him to my bedroom. How would I be able to control myself once we were intimate?

Beside the doorway, he took his shoes off and placed his backpack beside them. I moved closer to him and took his coat off. I had to repress a moan when my fingertips brushed the back of his neck. I saw him shiver; it was exciting to know he wanted this as much as I did.

"Do you want to have a drink on the balcony? The view at night is spectacular." If my apartment was splendid when the sun was shining, by night, it was breathtaking. The park was so calm; you could see a few people jogging, but what were really great were the lights from the little museum inside the park. It was beside the Sénat, the architecture was amazing. This was the side of Paris that I wanted to share with Jasper.

"Can I smoke out there?" he asked. "I understand if you'd rather I not."

"Go ahead, I don't mind," I said, and went to find something to drink.

"Is wine fine or would you prefer something else? I have options," I asked from the kitchen as I saw him light his cigarette.

"White's good. Come here you're missing the view." I poured two glasses and made my way out to the balcony.

That was when it hit me; he was here, with me, for real. I found him resting against the living room window, taking a drag of his cigarette. The smell was intoxicating. Jasper saw me staring at him and without even looking at me, smiled one of his smiles that made my knees tremble and stomach clench. It was the perfect time for little Edward to beg for Jasper's hands, his body, and his fucking talented tongue.

"See something you like, handsome?" he purred, and turned his head to look into my eyes with lust.

"Y-You have to stop doing that, otherwise I'll have to skip dinner and bring you directly to my bedroom." I didn't recognize my voice, I was so intimidated. I didn't think I could survive a night with him. It would either kill me or break me for all the others.

He didn't reply. He put out his cigarette, passed beside me, took my hand and led me to the bedroom. My breath picked up with each step we took towards my room.

Jasper stopped beside the bed and indicated I should sit. He exited the room and came back a few minutes later with his backpack. The whole time he was gone, my mind was blacked out; I completely stopped thinking and tried to focus on breathing. When I understood that he really wanted to use toys on the first night, my eyes widened. Wasn't I enough? Normally, I was quite fond of sex toys, but I thought for our first night together it could have been just us, just him and me, getting to know each other, even if it was fucking mixed with a little bondage.

"Edward, we don't need anything, but I thought you wanted… you know…" Shy Jasper was back again.

"Jasper, I don't mind using handcuffs or something like that, but for our first night, I just want to feel you surrounding me, if I fuck you… and if you wanted to… to fuck me, I want to be able to feel you inside me, not some plastic thing," I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and added, "and if you want to take control, it's fine by me." The last sentence was said in a blur. I couldn't believe that I just asked him to dominate me, but I needed to know if I would like it. I needed to know if I'd enjoy letting go and just feeling.

"Are you sure?" I just nodded and looked at the floor. "Okay, but before we start anything, we have to decide on a safe word in case we go too far. This isn't my first time, but it's been quite a while since last time." He slid his hands in my hair and bent down until his face was only inches from mine.

"Edward, what safe word do you want?" His breath assaulted my thoughts. I couldn't think. I was completely mesmerized by that man, who in forty-eight hours totally turned my world upside down.

I gathered all the will I thought I had and focused on him. I looked directly in his eyes and breathed, "Fate."


	5. Chapter 5

**_EPOV_**

"_Edward, what safe word do you want?" His breath assaulted my thoughts. I couldn't think; I was completely mesmerized by this man who in forty-eight hours had totally turned my world upside down._

_I gathered all the will I thought I had and focused on him. I looked directly in his eyes and breathed, "Fate."_

Jasper smiled and closed the gap between our lips. There was no rush, no hesitation; he slowly alternated his soft caresses with the gentle sucking of my bottom lip. It was so sensual, so intimate. Progressively, his actions became bolder. He pushed me down to the mattress and moved to straddle me. Placing himself on my thighs, Jasper carefully avoided any contact between our erections. All the while, he kept brushing our lips together. His hands rested on either side of my head with his thumbs grazing just below my ears lobes. An unknown part of my belly awoke and my breathing became uneven.

It was a new experience for me. I had never been with a man this way before. For me, sex with men could be exemplified with the words _hard_, _fast_ and _no strings-attached_. Even if I fucked the same guy more than once, there was no cuddling, no tenderness, no sweet words exchanged afterward and certainly no thumbs brushing my neck. I hadn't wanted any of that. I always saw these kinds of gestures as stupid and, considering the fact that I was only with them to get some action, completely useless.

When I got an idea in my head, it was pretty difficult to prove me wrong. But I was wrong. _So wrong_. I was a stubborn ass. I couldn't believe it; all those years wasted. It made me want to cry. I felt so much love in Jasper's actions, whereas I had been aggressive and arrogant. I had to give him all of me; he deserved it more than anyone I had ever met. He was absolutely and unquestionably a master of what he did.

My head was spinning; I was feeling a whole new kind of sensation. Letting someone else call the shots was extraordinary. I could feel everything, every flicker and shiver in my body. My cold and lonely heart felt warmer now that Jasper was here. He made me feel special, exceptional. Of all the people he could be with, he was with me. I was ecstatic.

Even if surrendering to Jasper felt innate, this slow pace was going to kill me. I was already pretty warmed up, but this was pure torture. Weirdly, I fucking loved it. I allowed him to be in control of everything. When he took my lip between his teeth, he gave a light pull and licked the sensitive flesh that had gathered, my reflexes urged me to grab him and take the reins. I resisted my unthinking responses and concentrated on staying still, at least as still as I could. I didn't want to disappoint Jasper. I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me and that I felt proud and honored that he chose me.

I looked at the ceiling and focused on my breathing. This wasn't the time to pass out.

Jasper broke our kiss, rested his upper body on mine and crushed our hips together. I literally saw stars; a jolt of pure ecstasy ran through my body. I had never before felt this alive in my life. This sudden contact was more than I could handle. It was impossible not to react. I let out a huge weird gasp-moan, followed by an exhalation of all the air in my lungs. I was going to move; it was only a matter of seconds.

He grinned down at me and created a slow rhythm with his hips. I was going to explode. I couldn't take it anymore.

Jasper kissed his way up to my ear and whispered in a firm voice, "Edward, do I need to tell you not to come? I think you are smarter than that, beautiful." He challenged me by licking the inside of my ear.

"I can't… Jasper, this feels so good… You're driving me crazy." My difficulties breathing were nowhere near gone.

Without warning, he took my earlobe into his mouth and bit. My toes curled with the wave of pleasure running through my body. I don't think enjoyment was his intention since he didn't let go of my ear until I hissed in pain.

"I thought you were clever, but I can see that you need a little refresher on the rules." He moved back to his straddling position. "This is not some light game. I am not going to stand here and allow you to show me disrespect." I feared what he was alluding. I pushed back tears that threatened the corners of my eyes. My emotions felt so raw. "You will not speak to me unless I give permission. You will not try to touch me, make eye contact or perform any act, sexual or non-sexual, on my person unless I specify it. Foremost, if you decide to become my sub, you have to know that you belong to me, your orgasms included."

There was a brief hesitation in my mind. Could I do this? What if he lost control and hurt me? What if I couldn't handle the situation; would he leave me? What if I used my safe word and he didn't stop?

I was brought back to reality by the tip of his index finger trailing along my torso.

"So, Edward, what do you say? Do you want me as your Master?" He purred, but I still caught the uncertainty in his voice.

He was giving me one last chance to back out, and even if the scared, questioning part of me wanted to leave, I couldn't. I had to give him a chance, give us a chance.

In my heart, there was no doubt, but in my brain… it was complicated. Was it going to be like that all the time or would we also have a loving relationship? Were we going to make love at some point? Was he my boyfriend? Was I allowed to talk about him with my friends?

I didn't know what answer to give him. The more I considered my response, the more his eyes filled with fear and rejection.

I placed my hands on his hips and asked, "Are we going to do just this? You know… the sex part, or are we in a real relationship?" My voice was low, full of intensity.

"What do you mean 'real relationship'?" I saw the raging storm in his eyes grow angrier.

"I don't know. When I wake up tomorrow, will I be allowed to touch you, to kiss you or even talk to you? Will you even be here? Or is this just it, nothing more than sex? Also, am I allowed to talk about you to my friends? I don't want to scare you off, but if you want an answer, I have to ask." Strangely, as scared as I was yesterday to talk about my desire for bondage, I was now just as scared to talk about cuddling, kissing and getting to know each other. Those were foreign feelings for me.

"I... I'm not sure I can do that, Edward. I've never been with someone outside of Dominant relationships." _Other subs!_ Jealousy crept into my chest at the mention of other people he had touched. "I want… I want to try, but my life is pretty complicated, and I'm not at ease talking about my personal life. But I want to try… with you." Even if his mood swings were hard to follow, it calmed me. It made him more… real. Maybe we were two broken people who just needed each other to heal.

"Okay, I want to become your sub," I said with a surprisingly steady voice. He bent down and gave me a quick peck on the lips, as if to seal the deal.

"Before we continue, I have to tell you some of my personal beliefs. As your Master, I'm here to protect you and to take care of you and all of your needs. My only aim in this relationship is to satisfy and pleasure you by taking control and anticipating your needs. Even if my needs are fulfilled first, this is just in order to enhance your pleasure. With time, we will explore higher levels of pleasure, but this can only be achieved when I learn your limits. Last but not least, you are a wonderful, brilliant and amazing person that I respect. My respect for you only grows knowing that you put aside your will to become my submissive and respond to only me. However, once we begin play, you are mine to do as I wish. Mine!"

Jasper's possessiveness went directly to my cock, which twitched forcefully. That didn't go unnoticed; a smile appeared on his face. "Now that we have said all this, let's resume the fun part."

My hands immediately slid away from his thighs and rested on each side of his legs as I resumed my motionless position. Jasper rose and watched me from the bedside. He didn't say anything for a few minutes and then ordered me to undress. I couldn't think. I was entirely focused on _not_ doing anything wrong. Staying on the bed, I started to slowly unbutton my shirt.

"I didn't ask for a show; I just want you naked as soon as possible," he commanded and I complied. Without even sitting up, I undressed and was back in my position in thirty seconds. I was defenseless and exposed. My cock stood proudly and pre-cum dripped against my abdomen. I didn't usually like being in my apartment naked, but the cool air against my body brought a pleasant sensation.

I made no eye contact with Jasper, staring intently at the ceiling. I heard his barely perceptible panting and my dick became impossibly harder. I could feel his eyes on me, the intensity of the moment made my cheeks blush. Thankfully, Jasper finally spoke.

"For our first time together, you are allowed to talk when you are addressed. Are you ready to see what's in the bag?" I was breathing hard through my nose, but managed to nod; he moved to, I supposed, get his bag. He slowly opened it and emptied the contents beside me. Something cold brushed the outside of my hand before I was able to jerk it away. I started to get scared. What did he bring? What if it was a gag or a whip? If it was, I sure as hell was going to safe-word.

Sensing my rising fear, Jasper traced small circles on the outside of my hip.

"I want you to spread your legs as wide as you can. Since this is your first time, I'm going to restrain you to the bed; it will be easier for you not to move. I'll use silk scarves. If you're feeling uneasy, you'll be able to get loose without any problem." I spread my legs wide, but I left a little margin.

When he finished binding me, Jasper climbed between my legs and told me to hold onto the headboard. I wasn't allowed to move my arms. I nearly screamed at the unexpected sensation of what happened next: he licked the inside of my knee.

"Edward, I don't want you to curb your pleasure. Show me how much you like it when I touch you." With that, he blew on the wet area. This time I released my pleasure and moaned loudly. He continued his ascent to my thigh, licking, kissing and nibbling on the flesh. When he was near my balls, he lightly caressed both of them with the tip of his tongue and descended my other thigh administering the same care on the other. By this time, I was humming constantly. There was a particular spot just inches above the inside of my knee that made screams erupt. In response, he abruptly stood up and positioned himself just below my chest.

"I hope my kindness is not going unnoticed. I think you are ready for me now."

He traced his fingertips on my lower lip, indicating I should open my mouth. I eagerly complied and was rewarded with the head of Jasper's dick pushing against my teeth in order to open my mouth wider. I obeyed and he slid in easily. Gathering all the pre-cum I could find, I earnestly licked his head. He tasted so good and his skin was so soft. I couldn't help myself; I tried to tease him by nibbling the area just below his head. At first he let out a very guttural moan, but when he realized what I was doing, he just pushed himself further. He must have been as excited as I was.

He began thrusting into my mouth in a rapid rhythm. I tried to follow his pace by sucking and licking. After a minute or two, I was able to adapt. He hummed in appreciation and thrust harder.

It was a weird feeling to get fucked in the mouth. I'd never enjoyed it before. It was just something that had to be done before the real stuff came. However, with Jasper it was completely different. Hearing him moaning his praise was captivating. I felt so proud. I was the one who made him feel like this, I was the one with whom he wanted to do this and more importantly, I was the one with whom he wanted to try a relationship with. It was beyond all my dreams. I was happy.

After a few minutes, he pulled out of my mouth and reached for a condom and some lube. _This was it_. My heartbeat accelerated and there was sweat gathered in the palms of my hands. I wanted to bottom for him eventually, but not right now; it was too soon. I prayed for him to hear my thoughts and not do it.

"You are so beautiful, attached to your bed for me to have my wicked way with you. You have no idea how much I would love to just plug my hard cock in your, I'd guess, very tight hole." He placed a finger at my entrance and caressed the flesh in small circles. Although the feeling was mind blowing and I was excited, I considered using my safe word. My body was a traitor. I was sure that if he asked, I would bottom for him right then and there. "I'm going to warm you up for hours before I fuck you. I'm sure as hell that by the time I am finished with you, you will be begging for my cock in your ass." Without further warning, he pushed his finger into my entrance. I gasped at the intrusion and tried to think about anything besides the fact that I nearly let go of my orgasm.

He took the condom and placed it on my cock. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. He put a generous amount of lube on me and prepared himself. _It must have been a long time for him._ Since I wasn't allowed to look at him, I didn't see if he was scared or excited or, or like me, a little of both.

While I waited for him to prepare us, my mind kept analyzing everything. I was in a dream. I was with this guy who wanted exactly what I wanted. It was too good to be true. Jasper, an angel lookalike, was getting ready to ride me while I was attached to my bed in my apartment in Paris. _I'm never going to move!_

Wait a minute; did he actually say that we were a couple? He didn't talk about his past or even what he did for a living. I didn't even have his address. What if all he said was just pretty talk? No, it couldn't be; he wanted to try with me. You didn't say that just to get laid, at least not anymore and not in France. There, if you wanted to have sex, you just did it. If you were looking for something else, you said so.

I had to stop overanalyzing everything. He said he wanted to try, so I had to stop thinking and just trust him.

I didn't realize Jasper was done preparing us until he positioned himself above my dick and pushed the head inside himself. He paused and took deep breaths to accommodate. I felt his stare on my face but I knew that if I looked back, I'd come. My eyes kept staring at my new favorite spot: the ceiling. I, too, took deep breaths to suppress my orgasm. Jasper was so tight and I was so horny that I was sure that, once he had taken me completely, I wouldn't last long. By long, I meant just a few ridiculous minutes. I hoped that Jasper was in the same state of mind that I was. The sound of his breathing once my pelvis made contact with his ass indicated it wasn't going to take long before we were both undone.

Jasper started to move and I was in heaven; it felt amazing. I forced myself not to meet his movement. He alternately pinched and caressed my erect nipples. This painful then soft sensation was driving me crazy. I wanted to touch him, to feel him under my hand. His cock clapped on my belly with every thrust. I wanted to take it and brush my thumb against the head while I stroked him.

The feeling of Jasper on top of me, balancing to achieve his pleasure was breathtaking. I wanted to engrave every detail of this moment. Not watching was a real torture. I could picture his hair moving in harmony with his thrusts. I imagined his eyes filled with want and desire.

Sweat had covered every inch of my body. The force I used to restrain myself was enormous. Jasper was no better than me; his thighs became slippery against mine and his breathing uneven.

The feeling of it was immeasurable. I was born to be with him. I had experienced so much in my short life, but it was nothing compared to this. All the crappy places I had lived, all the rebellion against my family, all the work I had put in chasing I-don't-know-what, everything I had done in my life prepared me for this feeling, this moment, this man. I could never be separated from him, he was a part of my life now. His mere presence made me feel better and what he was doing now was astonishing. While he impaled himself on my dick, he squeezed around me and twisted my nipples. I officially started to hyperventilate.

After only a few minutes, I knew I wouldn't be able to follow his order. I _was_ going to come. I couldn't hold back anymore. When I felt him speed up and his ass started pulsing more violently around my shaft, my balls started to tighten with the unmistakable start of my orgasm. A silent tear ran down my cheek from my effort to prevent the inevitable. Jasper saw it.

"Come with me, beautiful. Come for me." Without even touching his dick, he came on my torso, while letting out a small gasp. The force of his orgasm shot cum under my chin. I finally gave in to my body and came hard in the condom. He continued to ride me for a minute, taking the last remains of my orgasm and then climbed off me.

Jasper threw the condom away and grabbed a towel in the bathroom to clean us up. After he was done, he untied me and rubbed my legs and arms with trembling hands. Everything felt mechanical as if he were doing what he had to do and not what he wanted to do. I held still in my bed while he cleaned everything up.

For the first time in the evening, I felt used. I couldn't move; I continued staring at the ceiling. When he was done, he came beside the bed and whispered without any eye contact, "Thank you, you were good."

My mind was raging with mixed emotions. I wanted to ask him to stay so we could talk, cuddle or just lie next to each other. I didn't know what to do. I decided to take a chance and look at him. What I saw crushed me. He looked so sad; his eyes were filled with sorrow, hurt and… regret.

I was angry. He couldn't feel that way about what we just did. How could he? It was by far the most intense experience of my life and he was sad? My heart broke. Maybe Jasper didn't know how to deal with the Master/boyfriend thing; maybe he was just confused and didn't know what to do.

He rested his hand on my cheek and whispered, "I'm going to leave you to rest now. I'll see you around. Okay?"

Oh my God! Was this a break up? Was he silently telling me that this was just too much for him and he didn't want me? I could barely nod; my mind wasn't here anymore. How could he do this? You can't tell people you want a relationship with them and then go. I didn't even register him leaving the apartment. I just stayed in my bed, numb.

All I knew was that I had met _him_ "the one for me" and that he had used and left me like a cheap whore. My world broke and I didn't even have the strength to cry. I wanted to sink into the dark night.

_Let me know what you think about the little lemon. _

_Next, Jasper will tell us a little bit about his past._


	6. Chapter 6

_This chapter deals with heavy subjects._

**_JPOV_**

"_Thank you, you were good."_I couldn't even look at him. I knew that he didn't deserve this but I couldn't help it. As soon as I went down from the post orgasm high, all of my previous doubts and fears crushed me. This voice was in my head. The one I tried to forget.

I was damaged, but it was different with Edward, he gave me hope. Hope that I could be loved; hope that I could finally let someone in, now that I was recovering from cancer. Of course, I was wrong and deeper scars re-emerged from my subconscious.

I grew up in a small town in the south of France. My parents owned a few vineyards; it wasn't much, but it was enough for the three of us. It brought nice clothes, food in the fridge and stability in our lives.

Years went by without any particular issues. I wasn't a popular guy in school, but wasn't a pariah either. I had a little group of friends, and we followed each other until it was time to leave for college. When I was a teenager, my only aim was getting enough money to leave the country, or at least move to Paris.

I had always pictured myself as a city dweller. You can't imagine what it was like for me to grow up where the nearest neighbor was five miles away. I was in a cage. I wanted to escape this boring world where the event of the month was how Miss Stanley, an eighty-nine year old grandma, fell and broke her wrist.

For leaving my personal hell, I had to work. I helped at the vineyards every afternoon and was a waiter in the local café on the weekend. Every cent I earned went straight to my bank account. I planned on visiting the east coast of the United States once I finished high school and finding a job in Paris when I came back to France.

Of course, since I was working when I wasn't at school, my so called "love life" didn't start until I arrived in New York. Even then, it was just a couple of one-night stands, nothing serious.

The night before I left France, my mom was in tears, telling me that I shouldn't leave and that she had a bad feeling about all of this. I told her that I had to go; living in France became nearly impossible. I couldn't breathe anymore. She didn't come with me to the airport, claiming it was too hard to see her baby "quitter le cocon familial".

It was just my dad and I at the airport, and even though I was excited about what was going to come, I felt sad. I didn't know when I would see my dad again, and this situation was harder than I thought. I just came apart in the airport and we cried in each other's arms.

It wasn't something new. When I was nine, my grandmother died of breast cancer, followed by my grandfather a couple of months later due to natural causes. He hung on while she was there but as soon as she left us, he couldn't hold on anymore. He just couldn't live without her; they were together for 62 years. My father had been really affected by their deaths.

I didn't know it yet, but my life was never going to be the same arriving in New York. I rented a little apartment in the Upper West Side. It wasn't fancy but since I was just planning on staying six months tops in New York; I didn't care. It was a one room place, but large enough so that I could put a sofa bed in it, a little kitchen and a desk for my laptop.

As soon as I landed a foot in Manhattan, I knew I was home. I quickly learned English, not that I needed it; I was practically bilingual by the time I was fifteen. I spent my time in museums or in Central Park. I was the archetype of the tourist. I loved the feeling of being in Times Square, lost among a sea of people. I could do anything I wanted, be anyone I wanted.

It all changed a couple of months after I landed, I didn't have any money left. Living in New York was much more expensive than I had planned. I looked for work and ended up in a restaurant near my place. They didn't hesitate when they saw me; I was a hard worker and did a moonlighting job. It was a win-win situation.

That was where I met Carlisle, the manager. He was a good looking guy in his late twenties, blond, brown eyes and a well trained body. He had this authoritative side. You didn't mess with him.

For the first time in my life, I was attracted to someone. Not that I had never found someone beautiful or hot, but I never felt a pull like what I felt with him. He had the most beautiful lips I had ever seen; they called for me to touch them, to kiss them. I had to be with him, to get to know him personally and that was a priority.

Carlisle took me under his wing and we rapidly became good friends. He guided me through the city and taught me how to party in Manhattan. I was extremely grateful; I was a nobody, just a kid from a little vineyard. It didn't stop me from wanting more. Quickly, I realized that I desired him, body and soul. He was my model and I lusted for him. I had been attracted to men before but I never acted on it. One day, the tension was too much and I told him.

"Can I talk to you about something… personal?" I couldn't even look him in the eyes.

"Finally, I thought you weren't interested," he said with a smirk.

"No, it's just that… wait, how do you know?" I paused for a second. "I didn't talk before because… I was busy trying to get myself out of France and when I came here, I barely had time to discover the city before I started working. I didn't have much time to think about this before." He remained silent, waiting for me to continue. "And… and now that I do, I was wondering about you." My eyes were downcast and my voice really small.

"Jasper, I like you, but I have to tell you that I have a very unusual sex life and you might not be interested." What was he talking about? Was this about being gay? "I can see potential in you, but I'm not sure it's a life for you." Potential? I had no idea what he meant. I was nineteen and naïve. I didn't know much about sex, but a part of me was excited. I masked my doubts behind cockiness.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it!" I paused, not sure that he bought it. "Are you really interested in me?" My head was downcast again and I held my breath. I liked him and all this mystery was arousing but at the same time a little intimidating. I wondered how it would feel kissing a man. Is it different from a woman? Is it better?

"Yes, but like I said, I am interested in you in a certain way. Maybe you'll understand better if I show you." He handed me a card to a place downtown and asked me to join him the following evening.

I was pretty nervous. I had to go, nobody could cancel on Carlisle. What if I couldn't do what he expected me to? And what did he expect from me? If we are going to have sex, would I be able to let him fuck me? Would _I_ fuck him? Carlisle certainly didn't seem like the kind of guy who would bottom. It was so intriguing and I was so curious. I also felt a tinge of fear but I put that away rapidly, afraid that it would consume me.

The next day I couldn't do anything; my mind was racing. Since I was no good at work, I decided to take the afternoon off. It allowed me to calm down and get ready for what was looking like a memorable night. I decided to stop over-thinking and concentrated on how I should dress, nothing too casual but not overdressed. After an hour of hesitation, I finally opted for my Hugo Boss dark blue jeans teamed with a simple, dark, long sleeved polo.

Once I realized there was no hope for my hair, I put on nice shoes and headed to the club. The doorman didn't even check my identity but he ogled me from head to toe, examined the card that Carlisle gave me and let out, "Enjoy yourself, kid".

I abandoned my coat in the restroom and followed the noise. It was a combination of music, talk and… moans? I guessed I was right as my pants became tighter at the sound.

I passed the long burgundy curtains that separated the hall from the principal room and was rewarded by the most arousing scene I had ever seen in my life. Men and women were clinging onto each other. I could see sucking, biting, licking and kissing. My cock twitched and I officially had a boner.

There were every type of couple you could imagine, man/woman, woman/woman and, the most tempting: man/man. A particular couple gained my attention. It was a tall, naked, brunette guy who looked like an NFL player, getting whipped by a leather dressed, red-headed man, small but you could see his well defined muscles through his shirt.

The sound emitted by the whip when it came in contact with his lower back caused shivers to run through my body. I wondered what would excite me most, being whipped or whipping someone. Both of these situations were very appealing.

I watched them for a long time, unable to tear my eyes from the scene. After a moment, the NFL player started to beg. To my surprise, it wasn't to stop but to make him come. The small guy didn't even acknowledge him and continued whipping every area he could reach. When his skin started to get red, he placed the whip against the wall with other instruments and rubbed every reddish zone. It elicited a long humming sound from the NFL guy.

When he started to beg again, the small one opened up a small part of his pants and his erect cock sprang free. He reached for a condom and lube placed in a jar and prepared himself. He murmured something to the NFL player that triggered a groan. He wasted no time and plunged his cock in one motion. I gasped at this sudden movement and he turned his glare at me.

"You want to play, pet?" My cheeks blushed and I lowered my head. "Don't make me repeat myself!" he said in a firm tone that froze my blood but warmed my dick. Did I want to participate? Could I?

Thankfully, Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "Not now, Alec. He is new to this." He then turned to face me and smiled before lowering his head and looking at my crotch. "But it seems you are enjoying yourself, Jasper. Maybe it was not a mistake for you to come tonight," he talked softly so that I was the only one who could hear.

"Follow me, Jasper. I have settled a private session with one of my personal subs." He guided me to a passage where we could barely hear the background noise.

As soon as we were alone, I started to question him. "You're in the BDSM world? How come you never told me? Since when did you join? What kind of place is this?" I had a million questions running through my mind. "Wait, did you just say 'one of my sub'? How many do you have? And what do you mean by private session?" I couldn't stop talking; my head was spinning and my breathing sped up. He stopped and turned around to face me.

"You have to calm down or I am not letting you in this room. I think for this session, it would be better if you just observe. I am going to enter; you have two minutes before I start. If you are not coming, I will take that as a sign that you would prefer to leave and I will see you tomorrow at work. Otherwise, I will wait for you to kneel next to the table on the left and remain silent if I am not talking to you." I managed to nod and saw him disappear in the shadow.

I had a choice to make but I was torn between desire and fear. To say that I was tempted to come in and see what Carlisle seemed to love was an understatement but I was scared; it seemed like a one-way world. In the end, the desire was more prominent. I had always wondered what it would be like to have this kind of power over people. Of course, I was curious about submission but being a dominant seemed exciting. Having people just to pleasure me was an attractive idea.

Once I made my decision, I took a couple of deep breaths and slid the door open. This was the night were it all started. It was the night that led me to become a Master.

Like with everything, Carlisle took me under his wing. We started with some light scene where I was his submissive. As the weeks went by, I discovered that I was much more comfortable being a dominant. Carlisle would bring his sub and he trained me. He taught me how to become a Master, showed me how to use accessories without crossing the line by making permanent injuries and all the basic rules about this new world. About three months after my first session, Carlisle thought it was time for me to supervise a session by myself. He lent me one of my favorite subs, Felix. I tried to be with a woman sub before but something was always missing. Maybe it was my subconscious who couldn't act like this with a woman. The pleasure was just not the same.

I was due to meet Carlisle in his house two hours before the session to review everything. I was sitting in his leather sofa sipping a glass of wine.

"…don't forget the safe word, Jasper. You can also use it if the situation is getting out of your hands. Remember, if you need me, don't hesitate, I will be in my library. Do not let the situation get out of control. You are the Master here, you have to anticipate Felix's needs and sense if he is uncomfortable." Carlisle was really nervous; he had high expectations about tonight. I didn't want to disappoint him.

"Okay, safe word, control, library, Master, needs, I get it. Can we please try to speak about something else for the last half hour we have? I need to relax." I was already pretty nervous about the situation and Carlisle didn't manage me.

He agreed and we talked about work and the next football season. I used to be an avid supporter of soccer, but since I was in New York, football got me. During our animated conversation about the Super Bowl, we heard the door bell ring. I quickly made my way to the front door while Carlisle disappeared into a dark hall.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. "Hello Felix." He was looking downcast with his hands crossed in his back. "You know where you have to wait for me in position." I let him in and took my time to breathe him in. He was twenty, in good shape, had black short hair and slightly tanned skin. He was kind of a regular guy, maybe a little too shy for me, but since it was my first time I'd rather take things slow and light.

When I came in Carlisle's playroom, Felix was waiting for me, naked on his knees, his hands still crossed behind his back.

"Good, I see your Master taught you well. Now, come greet me properly." He closed the distance between us on his knees and bent down to kiss my feet. The sight of his back and his ass raised in the air immediately awoke my cock. Once he was over, he waited for my next order, his head leveled to my crotch. He couldn't look at my face, but he knew I was aroused by him.

Felix, even though he would never leave Carlisle, never hid his want to have me as his Master. The love he had for me was disturbing at first but he was sweet, in his naivety. Sadly, I wasn't in a time of my life where I wanted to have a relationship with someone. I didn't plan on staying in New York. There was no point in beginning this kind of relation. Occasional sessions made me perfectly happy but Felix didn't see it that way. He was always calling me, trying to get to know me outside of our scene. He had to understand that this wasn't going to happen, I would never take him with me.

Once I knew he would have imagined all kinds of possible scenes in his head, I placed him on a table on his back and attached him to each table's feet. He was spread and totally at my mercy.

"Aren't you ashamed to put yourself in a situation like this, naked and innocent in front of me? Do you want me that much?" He knew he couldn't respond to me. "What makes you think that you are worthy of me? I should just whip you to make you understand that wanting me as your Master is unfaithful to Master Carlisle. This has to stop; this is the only session we are going to have together. See this night as a goodbye." I might sound a little harsh, he was just a kid who wanted me, but I had to do this. It wasn't good to have false hope when there was nothing between us.

Before the session, Carlisle specified that Felix loved being whip. I took the horsewhip and started on his thighs. His dick was already erect but the more I whipped him, the more precum slid onto his belly. I felt so powerful making him so excited. As soon as his skin was becoming too reddish, I administrated my movement on his torso, especially concentrating on his nipple. Carlisle told me that Felix was particularly responsive in that area.

After ten minutes, my arm was getting tired. Whipping someone was an intensive exercise. You always had to control your strength and be very precise on the zone you touched. There was a fine line between pleasure and real injuries and it was my power to never cross that.

I put the whip away and grabbed the massage oil in order to sooth his muscles a bit. Right when my hands started rubbing his thighs, he started a constant humming. The head of his cock was now covered with precum and I was really tempted to just lick it but I couldn't. Carlisle taught me that if I gave a blowjob to a sub, it was a reward for him, if he really pleased me. I thought it was restrictive. Why wouldn't I be able to suck my sub's dick? It could be a real torture if you did it right. It was one of our main arguments coupled with the "Why couldn't I let a sub penetrate me?" subject. Carlisle saw those kinds of gestures as submissive role but I had other vision. _I will think about that in France_.

Among the scenes I witnessed since I started this, one thing always aroused more than anything, when you fucked someone and didn't let them come. It was a kind of soft thing but it worked for me. The restraint and the force the sub used to not come was the most powerful sign of submission. They fought their instincts and natural reactions just to please their Master. It was beautiful.

I grabbed the bottle of lube and poured a small amount on my fingers. I didn't prepare him when I pushed in my middle finger. I moved my hand and curled my finger. Felix's breathing was erratic and he began to tremble. I knew he was pretty worked up by the whipping and the massage but he had no idea that I wouldn't let him come for hours.

A moment later, I added my index finger. I was driving him at a slow pace. The second my ring finger joined the other, he let out a scream that I was sure Carlisle heard and started begging. Since he couldn't talk, it was a succession of humming and groans.

"You can beg, Felix." I took pity on him and truth be told, I really wanted to hear him ask for mercy.

"Please Sir… Please, can I come? I can't hold on….Please…Sir, I can't…it's too hard…Please." It was actually funny to see the shy Felix become the inhibition-less one. He could plead all he wanted, I wouldn't let him release.

"Your request is declined. You are not allowed to come," I said in a firm voice. I hoped he wouldn't come anyway; I didn't want to punish him for my first solo session.

In the next two hours, I alternated between slowly thrusting my finger in him and massaging every part of his body, legs, abdomen, nipples and neck. I had never touched him where he wanted me the most or never sped up my fingers enough to make him come. I had just finished stroking his scalp and was preparing enter my finger, when he started to cry.

"I can't hold on anymore. Please don't put your finger in. I won't be able not to come. Please, don't do anything. Leave me alone. Please, I don't want to disappoint you, please." He was crying in earnest now. You could call me sadistic but it was the moment I waited for, the break down. I knew then that his release would be the most powerful orgasm he ever had.

"You are allowed to come but it will not be from my finger," I whispered in his ear and had the pleasure to see a shiver ran through his sweaty body. I kissed his face, licking his tears and massaging his shoulders for a few minutes.

I reached for a condom and I heard him gasp. He understood that I was preparing me to fuck him.

I climbed on the table and positioned the head of my dick at his entrance.

"I want you to look at me all the time. You cannot close your eyes, even when you come." It was the thing I always did. This way, I was sure that he belonged to me, even if it was just for the session. I could see his soul and this was the real submission. You always could give your body to someone, but not your mind. In this instant, I could see all the devotion and adoration he had for me. It was pure and sincere. We were connected.

I slowly pushed in him in one movement and paused to let him accommodate me and calm himself. He was on the edge and luckily for him, I was too. He was very tight and after only a few thrusts, I felt my orgasm start to build up.

"Felix, I want you to come for me now. Show me how much you want me." I didn't even touch his dick but he came in long stream. Sensing him pulsing around me violently hurled my orgasm out. I kept thrusting for a few minutes before I pulled out and threw the condom away.

I came back with a towel and cleaned him up. He didn't move, I would have thought he was asleep but he had a huge smile on his face. I detached him and began stroking his legs and arms. I was in a good mood, so I took my time, knowing that it would make him happy.

"Can I ask you a question?" he said looking at the ground.

I put a finger under his chin to indicate that the session was over and that he could talk to me normally.

"Did you really mean it when you said that we couldn't see each other anymore?" His voice was barely audible.

"I am sorry, Felix. This is how it's supposed to be. I am going back to France soon and I will not be able to take someone with me." I clearly saw the dejection in his eyes. Wanting to make him feel better, I added, "But know that, in other circumstances, I would have picked you to be my sub." I gently kissed his forehead and exited the room. I never saw Felix again.

I joined Carlisle to debrief him. After I told him everything, Carlisle sat next to me and said, "Before you leave to Paris, I arranged a little session for you as a submissive with someone else other than me."

"_I will be your master. You will never forget me after tonight," Alec said with a smirk. He led me to a small room with a few lights on._

"_In every relation or session you will have,__I will always be there."_

_He threw me on the floor.__The unexpected movement caused my face to go first. My nose was bleeding. I knew something was wrong when he didn't do anything to stop the hemorrhage._

_I was on my hands and__knees attached to the floor with Alec whipping me. I knew if he continued, I would have marks. I almost felt the blood dripping. I didn't want to safe word; I could take what he was doing._

"_I wanted to do this the second I saw you, my pet." Alec came behind me and shoved his dick hard in my ass. I screamed at the intrusion, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I cried out the safe word but he didn't stop. I tried to struggle but he grabbed my dick and pulled forcefully._

"_You have to stop fighting me, I will break you or I will kill you. You have a choice to make. Who is your Master, pet?" The next tug practically dislocated my cock. If I agreed to this, he would never let me go. If I didn't, I was sure as hell that he would kill me._

"_You are my Master. I am here to please you." He hummed his agreement and resumed his movement._

_After a few minutes of hard thrusts, he pulled out. Thinking he was done, I let the breath I had been holding. I was wrong. He just went get a dildo that he pushed in me. My breath got caught in my throat, it hurt so much. When I felt him add his dick, I sank in an ocean of pain. Everything started to fade away to darkness._

After my discussion with Carlisle, my memories aren't clear. Everything is jerky and erratic until I woke up in the hospital.

Being with Edward awoke some of those horrible memories. I wanted to be with him. I thought I could but how could I ever be with someone other than Alec? I corrupted my mind and I wasn't able to love anymore.

The second I felt Edward come in me, I kept hearing Alec's voice, "_I will always be there, in every relation,"_ and he was. He was here to remind me the piece of shit I was, that nobody deserved to be with a social case and nobody would want me if they knew my story.

I had never been able to have a real relationship after this night with Alec. I didn't know how to do romance or love anyone, especially not someone as good as Edward.

I completely detached myself after my release. I was in automatic mode. He must have hated me for acting so cold after the wonderful time we had together.

How could I be so influenced by Alec, three years after that night?

I felt so ashamed about what happened with Edward. He was an innocent victim. I didn't deserve him. I couldn't even be a good Master with him, so how could I be in a loving relationship with him? I had to run away from him, from everyone. I was starting to have a life again and I didn't deserve it. I was nothing. Everything in my life was always tainted by that night. I didn't belong to Alec but after him, I couldn't belong to anyone. I was condemned to be alone but the thought of never seeing Edward again extracted the first tears I had in a long time.

Days flew by and I didn't even register it. I was numb, always repeating the same gesture; waking up, shower, dress, going to the temping agency to find work, back home, watching some TV and falling asleep while thinking about Edward.

I tried to stop my mind from going back to our last night but I miserably failed. He was always here tempting me with his flawless body and perfect lips. Even if it ended in the worst way, our first night was still a magical one. He was so responsive to my touch. The simple brush of my fingertips below his ear materialized in a shudder followed by a cute blush on his cheeks. He was irresistible. He made me feel desire, not like property or something you used and throw away. He wanted me as his companion and Master.

He called me the day after our night together, apologizing about something he thought he had done, begging me to give him a second chance and promising to he would be a good sub. What he didn't understand is that he was a perfect sub. For a first night, he had done really great. He showed a great potential, he had a great control over his body and he'd never disappointed me.

_I_was the problem. Edward asked me to be his partner, his lover and this was what separated us. I couldn't give him what he wanted. I was incapable of any loving acts; Alec took that away from me long before I had met Edward.

I wanted to love Edward but I couldn't. As soon as he learned of my past, he would leave me. So even if I overshadowed Alec's influence, how could he be with someone who underwent all those tragedies?

For days, I tried to forget about him until I knew what I had to do. I had to become Master Jasper with him, nothing more. I knew I couldn't stay away from him, my body craved his touch. He brought me back to life and I couldn't go back into shadow. I wanted to be noticed, to be worshiped. I wanted to be his Master.


	7. Chapter 7

_EPOV_

* * *

_All I knew was that I had met him, "the one for me__,__" and that he had used and left me like a cheap whore. My world broke and I didn't even have the strength to cry. I wanted to sink into the dark night._

Jasper's reaction was incomprehensible. As soon as we both reached our releases, his attitude shifted. Even if he took care of me afterward by cleaning up his semen on my torso, every gesture he had made was cold-hearted.

At first it pissed me off that he could feel so detached about what happened, but when he left me in my bed without any real promises of coming back, it made my heart sore. One of the most intense experiences of my life was tainted by the possibility of uniqueness. Jasper wasn't coming back. His failed attempt to spare my feelings in reassuring his soon return was in vain. My mind was already impermeable to any kind of deliverance.

The more the night crept up on me, the more my thoughts were perverse. I started to replay every move I made, every mistake that he could interpret like revolt or defiance. I knew I misbehaved by replying when he didn't tell me I could talk. Plus I was always so greedy and eager when we kissed. It was hard to repress my burning desire. I thought I had done well but apparently I was mistaken.

I let my own corrupted thoughts infiltrate my mind. They adulterated my perception and left me doubtful about Jasper. I had been selfish refusing to bottom for him. I didn't want to find myself in this position, I was afraid of giving myself completely to someone. I only thought of my pleasure not his. How could I have been so stupid? I should have put my fear and doubt aside and bottom for him. I should have trusted him. Wasn't it my role to do anything to satisfy my Master's needs?

I was incapable of fulfilling his desire. I thought that bottoming would be uncomfortable for _me_, that it would remind _me_ of _my_ past experience and that it would hurt _me._ I had never thought about him, what he would want or lust after. At the moment, I just panicked and silently prayed that he let me top. No wonder he ran away. I couldn't even be a good sub for him. I wasn't able to give him all of myself. It didn't take long for Jasper to realize I was less than nothing and that I didn't deserve him.

With a pathetic esteem of myself, I slowly drifted to a restless sleep where my dream transcribed the reality well. _Jasper kept running away from me. I called, screamed, pleaded, begged, basically chased him all around Paris but he never looked back. He didn't even glance at me, he ran as away from me as he could._

When I awoke sweaty and short of breath, I realized the aurora was approaching. I decided that it would be better to start my day.

While I took my much needed shower, letting the water rinse away all my shame, my mind tried desperately to find out a solution to get Jasper back. I couldn't let shame and remorse cloud my relationship with my Master. I had to talk to him, to apologize for my behavior. He couldn't make me discover this new tempted world and abandon me like that.

What if he didn't want me? What if he saw me as a lost cause? Maybe last night wasn't as good for him as it was for me. Could I survive his rejection? Could I go back to a "normal" sex life? I quickly put those thoughts away, not wanting them to drag me down.

I finished my shower and dressed in casual clothes since I didn't have to be at work for at least three hours. Entering my kitchen, I saw our untouched dinner. My breath got caught, surprised that I forgot about dinner. Visions of last night crushed me. _Jasper was kissing me, thrusting his hips against mine, licking and caressing my legs; Jasper shoving his cock in my mouth and fucking it._ With him, I was where I belonged, I was whole.

I couldn't face those memories. It hurt to think how it ended and the loneliness and distress I endured when he left. I put the food in the sink and turned to prepare coffee.

I grabbed my phone and went to my balcony to get some fresh air.

After an internal debate to choose whether to call or text, I voted for a voice mail. If I called at this early hour, I was practically sure I would end up on the voice mail.

I took my time, get my cup of coffee and sat on the couch thinking about what to say.

Thirty minutes and three cups of coffee later, I decided that it was better to improvise. I knew the main subject but I didn't want it to sound like a prepared speech.

I dialed his number and anxiously put the cell phone against my ear. It didn't even ring.

"Bonjour, vous êtes sur le répondeur de Jasper Whitlock. Veuillez laisser un message après le bip, merci." Hearing him speak French was unexpected. It was weird because he didn't have any accent when he spoke English or French.

"Hi, this is Edward… from last night." There was a few seconds where my mind just blanked. "I… I wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I wanted to serve you and make you feel good but this is all so new to me. I'm sorry for everything I've done. Can you please forgive me? I promise that for now on I would do anything you want and I won't displease you again. Please call me back, I'm so sorry." The last phrase was said in a barely whisper. I was so ashamed that he didn't like our night together.

I didn't move for a half an hour hopelessly waiting for him to call me back. When I came back to my senses, it was 7 AM. I changed my clothes and headed to work. I arrived and immersed myself into my work until lunch time. James entered into my office without even knocking.

"Hey, man! Do you want to come and grab some lunch together?" He already threw himself on my couch, comfortably waiting for my answer.

"No thanks. I think I'm going to keep working. I'm not really hungry." I tried to concentrate on my computer to prove my point.

"Come on, I haven't seen you since the night at La flèche D'or. What happen to you? You just vanished before the show even started. Is this because of Alice and me?" I sighed heavily. I really didn't want to have this conversation.

"No, it's not. I'm really happy for you guys. It's just that I wished I hadn't been caught in the middle." Sincerity was always better than a weak lie, even if it was a part of the truth.

"I know, I'm sorry but seeing you with her released all those feelings I had for her. I didn't want to lose her." This was so not the time to have a conversation about love and feeling right now.

"By the way, did you see the report that Nathalie made about the new linear particle accelerator from CLINAC? It had some good points. What did you think of it?" It was a lame diversion but it kept us talking for forty-five minutes. Thankfully, he didn't try to talk about relationship any more.

Sadly as soon as he exited the room, my thoughts drifted back to that night at La flèche d'or. It was first time I had seen Jasper. Despite my drunken state, I remembered perfectly the feeling of safety I had when he held and touched me. I felt at home. He had such warm-hearted and living gestures. He was bringing me to a life that I didn't know existed. The moment I regained consciousness and saw his beautiful expressive blue eyes, it was the end of the world as I knew it. It was him, what I always looked for, Jasper. I couldn't be separated from him now that I knew he existed. There was a constant void in me when he wasn't here.

Before I met him, I thought I knew what happiness was, but with him every emotion was duplicated and raw. Therefore, I wasn't just happy, I was ecstatic and blissful. Unfortunately, when I was sad, I didn't just shred a few tears, I was devastated and apathetic to everything. I kept living what people called life but I was lethargic. Everything seemed drab and insipid without Jasper.

This lugubriosity and constant sadness was present days and nights.

Thankfully, everything changed about two weeks after our night together. I was at work when my phone buzzed in my pants pocket. I quickly grabbed it and surprisingly saw Jasper was calling me. I ran to my office and answered promptly, leaning against the door.

"Hello, Jasper?" I was short of breath and tried to control it by taking long, profound breath.

"Hi, Edward. I got your message and I own you a little explanation." His voice was steady and direct, empty of feeling.

"I'm at work right now. Do you want us to go talk somewhere? Or we could meet at my place? I can take a couple hours off. Or tonight if you prefer." I sounded a little too excited by his calling. _Play it cool, don't scare him away!_

"I would rather discuss it now, if that is alright with you." He was in full Master Jasper mode. I tried to hide my disappointment.

"No problem. Give me just a minute."

I rested my phone on my desk. It didn't sound good. What did he want to talk about? Why was he so firm and distant? Didn't we agree to be boyfriends too? Maybe he called to tell that he didn't want to see me again. That would explain why he didn't want to see me face to face. Was the end of a romantic relationship, the end of our BDSM relationship too? Could I say survive not seeing him again? No matter what, I had to calm myself.

I locked my office's door and sat in my leather chair. I focused on breathing normally and put on the hands-free kit. _Do not hang up the phone without fighting for us, but don't say anything stupid!_

"I'm here."

"Edward, listen I own you an apology for what happened. I had no right to treat you like I did, it wasn't your fault. I can't be in a relationship with you. I think we should stop seeing each other." I audibly gasped, my voice refused to come out. "I am not a good Master and I am certainly not a good boyfriend." There was a long moment where none of us talked.

"I can't let you go," I said in a whisper. In response, he just sighed.

"If you wish to pursue this kind of relationship, I can find you another Master that will take good care of you." He was in business mode, like if I was just looking for a job. "I think Carlisle has connection with the Parisian crowd, he might help you… I didn't talk to him since… he will help me if I asked…" He started rambling, talking to himself. "He can recommend you," He concluded.

Once the meaning of his word sank into my blank mind, I let out a firm "_no_".

"How could you think I want anyone else other than you? I'm so sorry that I misbehaved. I promise I'm never going to act like that again. Please forgive me, please. Let me be a good sub. I'm yours and I have been since the second I saw you on the street. Please don't leave me. I don't want to go back. Please, Master." I was desperate, I didn't want to be alone again. If I couldn't have him as my boyfriend, I would have him as my Master.

He paused for an increasingly long time. I could hear the ragging storm of his thought through his shaking breathe. My heart beat was impossibly quick and my palms were soaking with sweat.

Finally, he ended my agony and he added, "Meet me in your room at precisely eight o'clock. I want you naked on your knees in the middle of the room. Don't forget to unlock the front door." As soon as he pronounced those words, I felt like I was on a cloud. He wanted to be with me, maybe not in loving way but he wanted me to be a part of his life. He was my Master. I couldn't believe he was giving me a second chance. I made myself promise that I would never disappoint him again. He was too good for me. He introduced me to this whole unknown world and decided to be with me along the road. I couldn't repress the goofy smile that appeared on my face.

Jasper's whisper took me out of my dream. "You didn't do anything to deceive me. You were perfect. You are perfect. It was me. I am damaged and there is nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry that I can't give you my love." I didn't have time to reply, he had already hang up.

What was he talking about "damaged"? He seemed physically fine, he was probably talking about his life. Maybe he had a rough past, but who hasn't? At 26, I have never been in a serious relationship, I didn't know the meaning of love. I lived in so many countries but I didn't find my home. I had nobody in my life, _I_ was damaged.

How could he consider himself damaged? He didn't do anything that proved that he was but I couldn't be sure. I wasn't able to look in his eyes the only time we were intimate. He established the only rule that could bother me. Not being able to look at him in the eye at any time, was a really torture. Eye contact was the perfect way to create a connexion between us. For me, it was the only way to convey all the feeling I had when we were so intimate that words couldn't transcribe our emotions.

Even if he blamed himself for what happened that night, I knew I didn't act like I should have. I was going to show him that I was ready for him, for us to be together in any way he wanted to. I was lucky that someone like him was into me. After tonight, he would be proud to call me his sub. As for the lovers part, of course I still wanted it but I forbid myself to even think about it. If this was what Jasper wanted, I would willingly comply. He seemed to have low self esteem but he was perfect for me. I had to prove him that he wasn't damaged, that he deserved to be loved and cherish.

* * *

After five long hours, I finally was out of work and headed to my apartment. I was so excited about tonight that I wasted no time and ran. Once I was in, I undressed rapidly and climbed in the shower. I took my time to relax under the hot spray and thought about Jasper's phone call. He was giving me a second chance. I couldn't believe it. I had to be perfect tonight, I didn't want us to be apart for such a long time again. I had to prepare myself. If he wanted to fuck me, I wouldn't refuse him this pleasure.

Just thinking about him the promises of tonight's event made me semi-hard. I poured some shower gel in my hand and fisted my shaft. I started a slow rhythm and let my fantasies invade my body. _I was on all fours in the middle of a room. My legs were wide spread. Jasper slapped and caressed every part of my body making my skin really sensitive. I was on fire. He came behind me and started to lick the base of my thighs where it drove me crazy. He continued to heat up my body by dragging the point of his tongue above my anus and on my perineum. I was continuously moaning and hard as a rock. _

My left hand grabbed my balls and leisurely massaged them. My other hand was pumping my cock rapidly now. I was felt my orgasm built up. Thinking of Jasper, I slid my left hand lower and started stimulating the region around my anus. After a few minutes, I gently entered a fingertip in and out. I audibly gasped but resumed the movement. Once my muscles were relaxed, I thrust the entire finger in. The sensation was incredible. My orgasm was at bay. If I continued the movement, I would come and Jasper would be disappointed. I gathered all my willingness and cried at the feeling of lost when I stopped all of my administrations. I wanted to be ready for Jasper, my Master. Plus, he clearly specified that my orgasm belonged to him. I didn't want to taint our reunion by being punished.

I finished my shower, grabbed a towel and went to my bedroom. I was still hard but didn't care. Jasper would be here in an hour and I would have some sort of release with him. At least, I hoped.

I put on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and decided that I should clean the apartment before he arrived.

I was finished changing the sheets of the bed when I heard the door opening. I quickly took off my boxers and t-shirt and fell to my knees on the floor. I bowed my head and joined my hands behind my back.

When he entered the room, I held my breath, afraid for no apparent reason that I had done something wrong. He closed the distance between us and his bare feet came into view. He slowly caressed my hair and without realizing it, I leaned in his touch and hummed.

"I missed you, Edward," he whispered in a tender voice. "Stand up and look at me, I want to see your face." He broke our contact and rested his hand along his body. I instantly missed it.

After the initial shock, I compelled my trembling limbs to cooperate. Jasper was the same size than me but he was definitely more in shape than me. Our eyes met and I forced myself not to bring our lips together and prove him how much I missed him.

We looked into each others eyes for a few delicious minutes. Jasper looked at me with so many emotions. The lust he conveyed through his stare nearly make my knees gave up. Mixed with his desire, I also found sorrow and anguish. It broke my heart, he didn't deserve all this pain. He was an angel, _my_ angel.

I almost broke my position and took him in my arms. I wanted to protect him from those bad thoughts. Thankfully, before I had time to act, he resumed his soft brush in my hair.

This gesture revealed all my growing love. I couldn't understand why he was so gentle when two weeks ago, he was leaving me alone in my bed without any cuddling. It was probably Master Jasper who did those things but why did it feel like there was something more between us? Something deeper that a Dom/sub relationship?

I had to stop thinking about wanting more. Jasper certainly didn't want more. I was happy of his presence, so I had to let go of my stupid lover fantasies and focus on being a good sub to my Master.

"Edward, from now on, I promise that I will not abandon you. We will see each other at least two times a week." His hand slid to my neck and his finger drew small circles at the nape. "We are going to start your training. You showed me that you have a good control on your body but this is not enough." I was trembling, our bodies were only inches apart.

"I am going to make you feel like you've never felt before," he murmured in my ear. "By the end of the night, you will beg me to stop and let you rest. Do not disappoint me." My breathing became erratic and I thought he liked it because he whispered, "I am going to make you come… and come… and come until your pleasure becomes unbearable." His tongue traced a path between my collarbone and my ear lobe. I screamed from the unexpected movement before I let out a gasp realizing what I had just done.

"It's ok, I want you to vocalize your desire. You have no idea how hard it make me." I breathed out heavily knowing that I didn't misbehave. "Before we started, I have to ask about your past experiences. Has there been anyone else since we've been apart?"

I was sure my face registered the shock I resented. How could he think that? Didn't he see how hard I was? And he hadn't really touched me yet! To emphasize my point, I looked straight in his eyes and I vehemently shook my hand.

"Good, you can answer me when I ask you a question. Have you ever been in this situation before, with another man? And if so, were you a top or a bottom?"

My face was blushing under his stare. I was well aware of my nakedness and the fact that my cock was lightly touching his jeans. I broke our eyes connection and bowed my head.

"I have been in several one-night stands with men and I was almost always on top." I didn't recognize my voice, my nervousness made it so shaky. A part of me felt ashamed of those lame experiences. If I had known, I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy with other people.

"Don't be embarrassed, everyone has a past. That is what brings us together now." I heard an indescribable emotion in his voice. There was several second where neither of us talked. We were both lost in our thought. "When you let those men fuck you, how was it?"

I thought my face couldn't get redder. I couldn't talk with him about that. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I didn't like remembering it.

Seeing my non-response, he fisted his hand in my hair and gave a timidly tug. He forced our eyes to cross. "Do not forget who you are speaking with! When I ask you a question, I want a swift, truthful answer." His tone was firm but his stare was field with lust.

"I'm sorry, Master." His hold in my hair relaxed and he started kneading my scalp. "Being this way with a man didn't feel good; the pleasure brought by the act in itself didn't erase the initial excruciating pain. I always ended up being ashamed to let them do this to me." My voice was a whisper, weak and irregular. I couldn't believe what I just confessed to him. I had never talked to anyone about this.

While still caressing my hair with his left hand, he sweetly rested his right one on my cheek. It was a lovers touch and this kind of action gave me hope for a future together. I closed my eyes and let my mind go to a forbidden world. _Jasper and I were living together, we had this routine every morning, a quick fuck, a long shower and coffee on the balcony. We were like every other couple, watching TV in each other arms, cooking dinner together, walking hand in hand in Paris' streets. I loved him and he loved me back. _

As nice as this fantasy was, I had to let it go. Jasper would never give me this. I didn't want to base our current relationship on false hope of a future romantic relationship. Plus, I was satisfied with the life he was going to give me.

Jasper broke my daydream with his wonderful voice. "We are going to create new memories together. I promise I will never hurt you." His breathing assaulted my thought, we were too close. My dick was touching his clothed thigh and it was nearly impossible not to rub myself against it.

"Edward, you are so beautiful. You have no idea how hard I am for you. Undressed me." His voice was suave and it went directly to my cock which twitched forcefully.

I wasted no time and started to unbutton his black shirt. Every time I opened a button, I kissed the revealed part of his torso. Once I reached the last button, I trailed my tongue all the way to the top of his jeans. By then, he was breathing loudly and both of his hands gripped my messy hair. Standing up, I pushed his shirt on his shoulders and along his arms, making sure that my fingertips slowly caressed his skin.

I couldn't help myself, I bent and press my lips against his nipples, just for a few seconds. I kissed his side and licked my way down his hip. I sucked on his flesh and placed myself in front of his covered cock. He didn't lie, he was hard as a rock. My mouth instantly watered in anticipation. I lightly palmed him and was reward by the most exquisite moan I had ever heard.

"What you are doing now is nothing compared to the teasing you are going to endure, later," He said in pure lust.

I replied by lowering his fly with my teeth, staring right in his eyes. A shiver ran through his body. I groaned when I discovered that he went commando. _Fucking tease._

I placed my hand on his ass and slowly took down his jeans. When I reached his calves, I bent down and kissed his feet and toes one by one. After Jasper stepped out of his jeans, I finished my worship and resumed my place on my knees. I was right in front of his long, thick, erect dick.

Everything in him was so beautiful. I slowed down my breathing and admired the sight. The head was covered with precum and pointed to the ceiling. It was amazing the effect I had on him. I tested him by blowing out along his shaft. His reaction didn't disappoint me, he hissed and a small drop of cum fell down along his erect member which twitched beautifully. I closed my eyes and simply moaned. The pleasure of being able to interact with someone so angelic was immense.

"On your feet!"

I stand up, wondering why he didn't ask me to please him.

He guided me to my window. One wall of my bedroom had a large bay window with on each side long blueberry curtains. It was direct me against the window and spread my legs wide open. In spite of the cold feeling of the window pressed against my dick, I was still crazily hard. I tried to move my hips to get any friction but I suddenly received a spank.

"Don't move. If I wanted you to come, I would have done this." He pressed his full body against my back and fisted one hand in my hair and the other on my dick. He started a slow rhythm and brought my head back.

"Do you feel what you do to me?" He simultaneously thrust his cock between my ass cheeks and licked my neck. I couldn't vocalize an answer so I just moaned and nodded. My heart was going to stop at any second, I couldn't breathe and my body trembled with Jasper's slow pumps on my dick.

"I do not want you to come yet." He released my cock and placed his hands on my hips. He began a slow movement of his hips which resulted in his shaft brushing my anus.

This was something new for me, nobody ever touched me like this before. The feeling was mind blowing. My hands were pressed on the window. Looking over my shoulder, I watched him rub himself against me. I could feel my orgasm starting. I took deeper breathing to delay the explosion.

"You feel me behind you? I could just shift my direction and my dick would be buried in your ass." He picked up his pace and slapped my ass. "Do you like that, sweetheart?" I loved it when he called me my pet name. I hummed in appreciation. "Do you want to come?" Another humming. "Beg me!"

"Please, can I come, Master? Please let me come. You make me feel so good… This is so new to me. Nobody has ever touched me like you do." He was driving madly against me. "Only you… Please… Please let me." I should have felt shame to beg like that, to be at a point where I would do anything if I could come. With him, there was no shame, no judgement, just pleasure.

He grabbed my dick again and stroked me in pace with his wild thrust. "You are so beautiful, come for me, love."

Everything was reunited to make me orgasm, Jasper's dick against my ass, his hands stroking me and his sweet words softly murmured in my ear. I came with an unexpected force against the window. My mind went blank; I was completely disconnected to the world.

A couple of minutes later, Jasper was still trying to extract the remnants of my pleasure. His cock was still rocking hard against my ass, so I tried to push against him to meet his thrust. In response, he released me and grabbed my hips. He was increasing his speed against me and I was soon getting hard again.

Once I was fully erected, he slowed down his pace. I whimpered. Why did he stop? I was with him again, we could come together this time. I was frustrated and he eased the tension in my back with a massage.

"How do you feel?" He asked breathless.

"I'm better than ok, please don't stop." His pace slowly grew. "So good… more… please…"

He chuckled a little. I turned my head and was met by the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It wasn't just his mouth but his whole face that lit up. It warmed my lonely heart that I could make him feel so free. We were in such intimate position, I had never felt closer to anyone before. He lie against my back and kissed me.

Like every kiss he gave me, there was no rush, no hurry. It was light, full of tenderness and hopefully love. During our kiss, he had never ceased the movement of his hips and the combination was driving me crazy.

Without even thinking, I started to take the control of the kissing and roughly shove my tongue in his mouth.

It didn't take him long to stop everything and took a few steps away from me. I didn't dare moving or even thinking. Minutes passed and we both stayed still.

"Why did you do this? Do you realize that you could have wasted everything? You have to control yourself. When we are together, I am the one in control. Is this so hard for you to understand?" He didn't sound angry but his disappointment was clear.

"No, it's not... argh… Maybe a little... It's just that sometimes I'm overwhelmed by you. You are so intimidating, I cannot believe that you would want me, even if this is just for sex. The only way I know to prove people I exist is by provoking them. Taking control is safer than submitting but this isn't me. Underneath this arrogant face, I am craving to be dominated. I want the possibility of letting go with someone and be able to just feel. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to ruin our evening. Please, forgive me, I will try to be better for you. Please, forgive me." I was on the verge of crying, It wasn't my intentions to pour myself out like this but Jasper had this effect on me. I couldn't resist him.

He still didn't answer me for a few minutes and my shame and guilt only increased. I couldn't hold on the tears any longer, small salt drop ran down my face. I tried to be silent but a sob ripped through my throw. Almost immediately Jasper was behind me, his arms around my waist. He murmured tender, reassuring words in my ear and I ultimately calmed down. My hands unsurely found their way on Jasper's arms.

We both stayed still pressed against the now cool window. I looked over the park and lost myself in the melancholy moment. Jasper has to feel more than just sub affection for me. He was so affectionate and kind and… very hard behind my back.

Suddenly there was a shift of situation, we weren't two broken people holding on each other, we were two naked lovers in the middle of amazing sex.

Jasper's hands slowly moved to rest on my hips and mine pinned on the window. His dick slid again between my cheeks and he resumed his slow pace. My flaccid member was peacefully rising. When I let out a loud moan, Jasper began to stroke me and thrust harder against my entrance.

He was right, if we moved a little, he would be in me, completely connected. With this thought, I was fully erect but I needed to feel Jasper's release. It would prove me that I wasn't alone, that we were together in this, whatever it was. At first, I timidly met his thrust but when I didn't see any objection, I started rocking hard against him.

I felt whole, I could completely abandon myself in my emotions. Jasper was in charge of everything, he madly stimulated my back and my front. It was liberating, I lost myself in a torrent of pleasure. It didn't feel like a session or whatever you called the time I spent with my Master. It felt like two lovers who finally found themselves.

"Come with me, beautiful. Come for me." This sentence, even if it was followed by our releases, broke everything in me. It was the exact words he told me the first time we fucked and he abandoned me afterwards. My perfect fantasy about two lovers making love suddenly vanished. We weren't lovers, we weren't boyfriends. Yes, Jasper wanted me, but just for a sex release, nothing more. It broke my heart.

When I came down from my orgasm, Jasper laid me down on my bed and began cleaning me with a hot towel.

My limbs refused to work any more so I stayed there on my bed. I had a flashback of the horrible feeling of rejection I had when he left me two weeks ago.

I heard him drop off the towel in the bathroom. My chest cranked open and my heart was waiting to get ripped out. I closed my eyes and hang on to see his next move.

After a few minutes, I couldn't hear anything. He was leaving me again except this time he didn't have the guts to even say goodbye or make false promises. My heart was aching under the pressure of every emotion I had tonight. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt tears wetting the side of my face.

I felt the bed shifted. I opened my eyes and saw Jasper watching me with extreme sadness. He gently wiped my tears away and lay down on his side next to me. He rested his head against my chest and let out a trembling breath.

"Can you forgive me for the way I acted last time? I'm so sorry." I didn't know what to answer. I could never forget the feeling of deep rejection I had when he left me. In answer, I put my arm around his shoulder and caressed his wild hair. Everything wasn't forgotten but we stayed in each other arms, in a peaceful atmosphere.

It had been a very emotional day. Jasper was back in my life but for how long? I knew I couldn't be separated from him but truth be told, I didn't know anything about him and this wasn't a good way to start a Dom/sub or a lovers relationship. I needed to talk with him about that.

After all that happened, I knew I was falling in love with Jasper and this thought alone made me both beatific but also extremely terrified. I tightened my hold around Jasper and inhaled deeply his sent. No matter what my thoughts were, I was with Jasper and with that I felt asleep with a smile on my face.


	8. Chapter 8

_Lying on the ground, I was surrounded by wild grass. Cicadas were singing in the background and a warm breeze caressed my face. I was at peace. I finally found it: my home. I had been looking for this feeling for a long time, and now that I found it, I was submerged in my emotion. _

_The contact with this soft ground was wonderful. I didn't even know that a place like this could exist; it was beyond my dreams. I could see a lake in close proximity and a field of olive trees. It created a powerful redolence and an amazing color palette in this land; blue, green, orange, yellow, red, brown, white; everything was so bright and authentic. _

_I was on my back, my hands behind my head, and I closed my eyes. I couldn't stop the smile from creeping across my face. I tried to savour this moment. It was crazy, but I knew this was the place I would spend the rest of my life. Living in a big town had been nice when I was younger and eager to discover the world. Life had taught me that towns like New York and Paris were just groupings of lonely people who didn't know where to go. Here, I felt calmer than I had ever been. Life was easy, without any stress or aggression. At last, I could be myself. _

_I felt little kisses being trailed across my chest. I opened my eyes and sat up, desperately looking for their origin, but didn't see anyone. Regardless, the sensation never stopped. Not wanting to lose those sweet feelings, I resumed my previous position on my back. The kisses only intensified, I could feel them around my nipples, licking and sucking. Consequently, my breathing became shallow and my hands fisted in my hair. _

The feeling of teeth biting my flesh brought me violently back to reality. My eyes abruptly opened. The tranquil ground had been a dream, all just a dream. I was in my apartment in Paris and now those wet kisses were from Jasper. My dream had been so vivid. I was truly happy in it and now that I was awake, everything was bittersweet.

Jasper was straddling my legs and actively concentrating on my abdomen. When I realized that he had used my hundred Euros silk scarves to tie my hands to the headboard, my dream seemed far away. I couldn't move my arms. My legs were free, but Jasper kept my hips on the mattress while he continued to worship my torso. My eyes were stinging from the lack of sleep; I glanced at the clock: 3:34 AM. _Tomorrow morning is going to be hard_.

Jasper was literally venerating my chest. He was slowly but surely building my desire. He licked every surface he could reach and sucked on random areas. He seemed to be looking for my most erogenous zone. He tentatively drew his tongue along my side, tracing the outline of my pectorals, then dragged it along my abs and around my nipples.

I was panting and shivering under his ministrations. _Real life wasn't so bad after all. _I watched every one of his movements. I burned them in my mind. He looked stunning.

Once my nipples were more than erect and sensitive, he raised his head. His curly blond hair only just covered his eyebrows, allowing his piercing stare to meet mine. He looked at me as if he were searching for an answer to an unspoken question. His gaze was too intense. I wanted to break the hold he had on me, but I couldn't resist him. He had hypnotized me and I could only scan his eyes to identify his hidden feelings. What I found there didn't solve the mystery; his eyes were filled with longing but also somehow sadness.

Still straddling me, he brushed his left hand against my cheek. I didn't move or make any acknowledgment of this gesture. _He wanted me as a sub, not a lover. There could be no loving affection between us; that was off limits_. My non-reaction caused him to drop his hand, lean forward and rest his forehead against mine, almost kissing me. His breath covered my heated face, clouding my thoughts.

"What do you want, Edward?" His voice was husky and wrapped up in lust.

My first response would have been, _You, body and soul, _but knowing he was in Dom mode, I instead answered, "Whatever you want, Master."

Despite my desire for more, this little "game" we had was very entertaining, very refreshing, considering the fact that I had never been in a submissive position before. Jasper was really good and I was pretty worked up. I was just enjoying the show, but he caught me by surprise when he insisted.

"What do you _really_ want?" he whispered and stared at me intently.

Was this a real question or was he testing me? I couldn't read his expressions, I didn't have time. His feelings seemed to change almost instantly. He looked like he was pleading with me, but I didn't know what for and I refused to let myself hope. I played the safe card.

"I want you to lick my navel," I said in a trembling voice, hoping it would satisfy him.

He continued staring at me for a few seconds and then shifted his gaze. He took a deep breath and lightly kissed my cheek. I didn't understand, what did he want from me? I closed my eyes and sighed.

Once our "sentimental" moment passed, he moved down my body, leaving wet kisses along the path. When he finally arrived at my navel area, he smiled at me. That kind of smile awoke the little butterflies in my stomach and left a lump in my throat. In the meantime, that smile also told me that he was going to do some pretty wicked thing. I tried to smile back, but I was sure it came out wrong. I was trembling and gasping in anticipation.

Without any warning, he lowered his head and gently thrust his tongue into my navel. He repeated this movement countless time. After a moment, he alternated between tracing circles around it and abruptly lowering the tip of his tongue in the hollow. I was moaning continuously, my dick harder than it had ever been. Each thrust of his tongue produced tingling all over my body; I felt him everywhere. The sensation was mind blowing, my breath was nearly gone and I couldn't even look at him. When I started to beg him to stop or slow down, he just sped up his movements and grabbed my shaft, giving little strokes.

If he wanted me to come, he wasn't going to be disappointed. I could already feel my orgasm building.

"Please, can I come? This feels so good… oh, God… please… no one has ever… can't… hold… on… anymore." My voice was progressively disappearing, lost in the ocean of pleasure.

With my last beg, Jasper suddenly stopped every activity and climbed off me. I screamed at the loss of contact. Resting on his side, he was facing me and out of breath. I was so close, this was incredible. He had made me feel like no one ever had. I always wanted more with him.

After a few minutes, my breathing was back to normal, while my cock was still standing proudly, begging for his attention. I turned my head and found Jasper smiling.

"I changed my mind, tonight you are not going to come countless times. You are going to learn restraint." He seemed happy, his voice cheerful. "I am curious to see when you will fall apart… because you will. Everyone has a breaking point." Suddenly, his last sentence sounded kind of morose. I didn't get the double meaning, another of Jasper's mysteries. I stared at the ceiling, wondering how much time it would take _him_ to break if I had him for my pleasure.

A couple of moments later, my thoughts were disturbed by Jasper's hand caressing my arm, easing the growing pain. I looked at him but he seemed lost elsewhere. I took my time and drank him in. He had a beautiful, well-shaped body, a karate body. His face was angelic, the blondness of his hair helped, but he was more than that. His face registered a certain kind of harshness associated with wisdom. He was a _fallen_ angel. It looked like he'd had his share of tough steps. Maybe that was what he was referring to when he called himself damaged. He probably had been through some hard times in his life. I wanted to help him, prove to him that he deserved happiness, but how could I if he wouldn't let me in?

My reverie was cut short when he straddled my lap again.

"This time, you look at me. Watch who makes you feel so good, watch your Master," Jasper said and grabbed my still erect member.

His own cock was pointing upward but he didn't pay it any attention, only focusing on my eyes and my pleasure. He established a slow rhythm. I was already having a hard time concentrating, his eyes were always so intense.

He could penetrate my soul and I wondered what he saw. Did he catch my emerging love and the resulting guilt I had? Did he understand why I wanted more? I tried to covey my emotion but all I could do was drown in his broken mind. How could someone look so happy and so sad at the same time? My heart broke for him. What had been so awful that he couldn't enjoy being with me? I was giving him everything and yet it didn't seem to be enough.

At one point, my thoughts affected my erection and it started to fade away. When Jasper noticed, he picked up the pace but it wasn't sufficient. I had to ask, I had to break through his shell.

"Can I ask you something, Master?" My whisper was barely audible.

A look of anger passed through his face. Surprisingly, it was quickly replaced by agreement. Somehow my request didn't seem to surprise him. He stopped stroking me and detached me from the headboard. Once I was free, he put on his jeans, grabbed his cigarettes and headed toward the balcony. I assumed he didn't want to have a private conversation when he was Master Jasper.

I quickly got dressed and joined him. The fresh air from outside brushed against my face and I immediately calmed down. My wild thoughts died down and I took this opportunity to ask Jasper about his life.

"Do you…Can you tell me about yourself?" His eyes widened. Strangely, I didn't think he expected that question. I faced him, resting my elbow on the balcony guardrail. I stared at him, he had to give me an answer.

"I can't, Edward," he said, unsure. "I can't give you that. It's off limits." Even in the quiet balcony, I had to concentrate to hear the last part.

I couldn't let it go so easily. "Can you just talk to me about your childhood? Where you grew up? I don't even know your age." My voice was steadier, but inside I was terrified I would scare him off.

He broke our eye contact and stared at the park while taking a long drag of his cigarette. He looked torn, but I couldn't do anything to comfort him. He had to make a decision, and I prayed that he would make the right one.

Minutes later, my questions were still unanswered. I resigned myself to giving up and telling him that it didn't matter; I just wanted him in any way he would give me.

"Jasper, you don't have to…" He didn't let me finish. He silenced me with powerful renewed eye contact.

Another moment passed and I could see determination replacing his fear and doubt. He threw his cigarette away and pulled me by the shirt. He slowly unbuttoned my jeans, giving enough room for his cold hand.

As soon as he moved and grabbed my cock, distress invaded my body. I held back the tears that threatened to overflow and focused on the pleasure he gave me. I closed my eyes, I couldn't look at him or he would know the devastation I felt.

His stroking was so soft and gentle. He used long movements interspersed with shallow strokes over the head. He was very skilled, or at least talented enough to make me forget about everything. That was why it shocked me when he began speaking in an unrecognizable murmur.

"I grew up in the south of France, in a little village named Figanières. My childhood went smoothly. My parents owned a few vineyards with a house back there. It was the happiest time of my life." He paused and I took this opportunity to inspect his features better. He seemed desperate, almost disconsolate. "I left France for New York when I was nineteen," he uttered a small groan in disgust. _Whatever happened in New York, it couldn't have been good._ "I moved to Paris less than three years ago. I have an apartment in the 15ème arrondissment."

I was stunned that Jasper was finally starting to confess. It wasn't much, but it was a start. My hope was growing with every word he said. He couldn't stop, he had to give me more.

"How old are you?" His expression suddenly shifted as if he'd just realised I was still there.

He tightened his hold around my dick, and gave more determined strokes.

"I am 23, almost 24." He let out a sigh, like an old man would do upon realising his advanced age.

I didn't know what to ask next, I had thousands of questions but I didn't know where to start. I asked the first that came to my mind.

"Why did you leave New York?" Once the words left my mouth, I knew it had been a mistake. He withdrew his hand from my pants and ran to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I ran after him but he locked the bedroom.

I literally fought against the door. I tried to break it with my fist, my shoulder, my feet, and my entire body but didn't succeed. I could hear him in pain, crying and sobbing but I was condemned to stay here, powerless.

I collapsed onto the wooden floor against the door and held my legs with my arms, hiding my head in between. I started to apologize, to plead for him to explain to me or at least open the fucking door, but he didn't do anything. He must have been elsewhere, lost in his own memories, as horrible as it could be.

What could have happened in New York to provoke such an extreme response at its mere mention? Why couldn't he talk about it? It had been three years. I had never seen this kind of reaction other than for… oh my God, it couldn't be possible. Not him, not Jasper. Who could have mistreated someone like Jasper? It was absurd; my mind was playing tricks on me. Jasper could not have been abused. This wasn't the kind of statement you could infer because of one reaction. I was just trying to find an answer when there wasn't one.

I continued pleading him to open the door, telling him that he didn't have to tell me anything. I explained to him that the past didn't interest me, the only thing that mattered was now and us.

After a few minutes, I heard light steps and I raised my head. He opened the door and looked at me with sad, puffy eyes.

"Edward…" This soft murmur drove me crazy. He guided me to the bed and we both sat, facing each other.

"Talk to me. Where did you grow up?" Jasper urged me in a pleading voice.

This wasn't the situation I imagined when I thought about us getting to know each other. But if that was what he wanted, I would give it to him. I would give him anything.

"I am a pure product of Asharoken in the state of New York." I acted like we were in a normal situation. I wanted to distract him from his evil thoughts, whatever they were. "I spent eighteen years there until the law and my parents allowed me to leave. The next seven were full of working, travelling, fucking and occasionally drinking. I put down my bags in Paris a year ago and found a job at the Medical Institute for Cancer." At the mention of my work, he turned his head, hiding his eyes from me and sighed lightly. "What is it? Did I say something wrong?" I didn't dare to touch him.

I wasn't sure but I thought I heard, "You're going to hate me."

I was out of words, I waited for an answer. He had to reply.

A few seconds later, he calmly indicated I should lie down on the bed. I complied while he was still sitting next to me. He sighed and rested his hand on my chest. I almost screamed at him when he attached me back to the bed. My forming words were cut off by his melodic voice.

"Edward, I already know where you work." I gave him a quizzical stare and urged him to keep going. "The first week I came back to France, I went to see a doctor and… and I was diagnosed with liver cancer. They weren't able to operate on me so I had chemotherapy sessions. I'm good now, the cancer is in remission but I still have to go to a check-up every six months. That is where I saw you the first time. You were so…" He stopped.

This gave me time to think about his confession. Jasper had cancer. How could someone so young have cancer? How did he discover it? What kind of chemo did he have? Why weren't they able to operate? Who were the stupid doctors who didn't operate on a 20 year-old man?

"Listen, you don't have to worry. I got my latest results back and I'm fine. I haven't been truthful with you, forgive me for that." He cleared his throat and put on his Master mask. "This isn't important anymore, we are not talking about my past anymore. We are going to resume our session now, okay?"

He was giving me a choice; either I gave up and we resumed the sex part, or I insisted and I was pretty sure he would leave. How could he expect me to forget this information? You could never be sure with cancer; the bitch could return whenever it wanted.

Again, Jasper totally evaded my feelings because he couldn't deal with the situation. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to talk back and risk his departure. I capitulated and slightly nodded to let him know it was ok.

He quickly undressed us and climbed back on my lap. He grabbed my flaccid member and massaged my balls. I wondered how I could ever be erect after this dramatic news. I wasn't in the mood for sex. My arms were aching from the restrained position and I was cold. Jasper seemed to have the same problem, small shivers ran through his frozen body and his cock that was resting against my thigh.

Apparently nothing could stop him. While he stroked me, he leaned against me, stopping when our noses were barely brushing. The intimate contact warmed my aching heart. I wanted more, always more, and I didn't think that would ever stop.

"The first day I saw you at work, you were in your white coat talking with a blond guy. You gave me a boner right there in the middle of the waiting room." He dragged his tongue from my chin to the tip of my nose, making sure he swept away at my upper lip. The simple act caused my now half-erect cock to twitch. "You were so hot in your uniform, I was instantly drawn to you." My breath hitched and I felt my face cover with an embarrassing blush. His hand accelerated its delicious ministrations.

We stared at each other, our mutual desire increasing. I was completely lost in his blue, enchanting eyes and I suspected that he was lost in mine as well.

"I want you so much, Edward. Do you want me?" I almost laughed at his question.

Gathering my remaining willpower, I whimpered, "Yes."

Tightening his grip, he said in an amused tone, "I'm not convinced. You are going to have to do better than that." I grunted in response, my cock touching his belly in anticipation. "The most beautiful thing about you is your blush." He lightly pressed his lips against my cheeks. "Or maybe your soft skin…" He kissed my forehead, gently scratching my face with his stubble. "Or maybe your intensely expressive eyes…" He moved his pointed tongue along my eyelids, and my heart stopped pumping. "Maybe it's your perfect, silky, pink lips."

He had positioned his lips just an inch from mine. I stopped breathing. I could hear my heart pounding rapidly, waiting eagerly for his next move.

The look he gave me was so passionate and powerful. I felt each one of his emotions: anger, sadness, anguish, but also blissfulness, lust and hopefulness. I had never wanted someone so much in my life. I was craving his kiss.

After several excruciating seconds, he closed the gap between us and rested _his _perfect, silky lips against mine. We moaned in happiness together. No matter what happened next, I knew I had found him, I was more convinced than ever. After all this time, he was here and I was home.

He kissed me sweetly for minutes, his hand still covering my aching member. He knew if he just gave the right caress I would come. He moved away from me and smiled.

"I think we are good for tonight." Jasper had this beautifully annoying smirk. Was he really going to leave me without any form of release? _I think he is._

He climbed off the bed and started gathering his clothes. Once dressed, he unfastened my links and rubbed my sore arms. The feeling of his hands kneading my muscles was extraordinary.

A couple of minutes later, my arms relaxed and he abruptly ceased every link between us. He rested against the door and I was left sitting on my bed. We looked at each other for an incredible amount of time. He shamelessly devoured me with his eyes, from head to toes. My blushing was back more than ever.

"Come to me," Jasper said calmly, always smirking.

My heart was pounding heavily, causing me to tremble while I slowly made my way to him. I stopped right in front of him and bowed my head to mark my submission.

A second later, I was pinned against the door, Jasper rubbing our hard cocks together.

"I want you to come, Edward. You pleased me enough tonight, you deserve it." His words were muffled against my neck as he placed soft kisses below my ear lobe.

My mind was officially off. I gave up the control to my instincts and emotions. His clothed body felt so nice against my naked one. He had barely given ten firm movements with his hips when I already felt my orgasm rising in the depths of my body.

When he felt my breath becoming short, he stopped devouring my neck and concentrated on my mouth. He forced my lips to part and inserted his tongue, massaging every area he could find. Our scents came together and formed a perfect aroma. As if he was following my thoughts, he moaned into my mouth and gave a hard thrust.

I exploded against his pants, even covering the lower part of his shirt. My legs gave out and I had to catch his arms in order to stay up. He rubbed a few times against me and I barely had time to recover from my orgasm before watching him let go. His face lit up, head slightly rolling back, eyes closed and mouth forming an "o". He let out the most enchanting sound I had ever heard, an angel in Heaven.

We both clung onto each other like it was a matter of life or death. He held me close, never showing a sign of weariness. I couldn't suppress the smile I had on my face.

He buried his head in my shoulder and murmured, "You understand why I have to leave?"

Even if I did, my heart still broke a little. I imagined that having a night like this would have changed him. I was optimistic, but I understood it was too soon for him. I knew that with Jasper, I was in for the long haul. I could wait. I would wait. He was worth it. We had so much left to define, but I was happy that Jasper finally opened up to me.

I nodded and watched him exit the apartment, leaving me alone with my thoughts. As soon as the front door was closed, I ran to my bedroom and crawled into my bed. I was tired, but I smiled, happy that I could fall asleep with Jasper's scent around me.

* * *

My alarm clock took me out of my dreamless sleep. My body was a little sore, but nothing could waste my good mood. Of course, last night hadn't been perfect, but I was happy that Jasper was back and finally really committed to me.

While taking a quick shower, I wondered when I was going to see him again. Was he going to call me? Or should I call him? I should let him come back to me. Could we hang out at his apartment next time? I would love to have an open door to his personal life. Would he want me to go there? Was it too soon for me to ask? I bet his apartment was the spitting image of his personality, extraordinary and full of surprises. He probably had some bondage accessories there. It scared me a little, but I was ready to give him anything, right? Was I honestly ready to get to the upper level with him? I didn't know that answer.

Our Master/sub relationship seemed kind of odd, even for me. I was troubled by the complexity of our relationship. We weren't lovers, but it didn't feel like a real domination relationship either; it seemed strangely soft. In my opinion, we shared a mix of both, and that thought alone increased my repressed hope. There had to be a meaning behind his loving touch or those sweet words he murmured in my ear.

I ended my shower and dressed. After my morning coffee, I grabbed my keys and headed to work. I had to stop over-analysing everything. Jasper was Jasper and I had to be happy for what he was willingly giving me.

I didn't hear from Jasper for the next two days. I seriously considered calling him, but could a sub call his Master and ask for a meeting? I wasn't sure, but my libido begged me to pick up the damn phone.

I missed Jasper. I missed his touch, his kiss, his talented tongue and surprisingly, I missed his spank. It was a first for me; nobody ever laid his hand on me without receiving my fist in response. With Jasper, every smack he gave me brought pleasure. Of course, there was pain, but it extended my desire. It was weird but I was discovering a whole new part of me, and I couldn't be happier that it was with Jasper. I still didn't forget about his past actions but I could honestly say that I trusted him.

I was lying on my couch, desperately searching for something on TV before getting ready for bed. My phone buzzed, informing me that I received a text. I eagerly grabbed it and saw that Jasper had contacted me.

**Tomorrow night, my place, 8:00. I will email you the directions. **

It felt a little cold after two days. I didn't know what to expect, but I was a little disappointed. _You are still meeting him tomorrow. It is better than last time._ _Don't you think?_

I again put those thoughts away and focused on mentally preparing myself for what was going to happen. This time I was sure he would fuck me and truth be told, I was a little curious about the feeling.

The next day, I forced myself to stay occupied. I didn't want to speculate too much about Jasper's actions. I was out of work at 7 PM, already tired. I headed directly to Jasper's apartment. _I hate moving around Paris. It is hell, especially in a crowded subway! Thanks for your precious indications, Jasper! _Luckily, I was in front of his door right on time_._

I took a few seconds, slowed my breathing, tamed my wild hair, and basically calmed myself down.

I knocked on the door and waited. I heard him moving around the room before he opened the door. He gave me a warm-hearted smile that took my breath away. He was bare-chested and wearing tight black leather pants. My cock was already half-erect. His chest was glowing, his abs were tempting me and there was a line of hair below his navel that guided my eyes to my own personal heaven. My mouth watered and my finger ached to touch him.

Before I broke my position, Jasper said in a lusty firm tone, "Go to the second room on your left, strip, and wait for me." He turned around and disappeared deeper into the apartment, I presumed he was heading to the kitchen because of the incredible smell of a home baked meal. Did he cook for me?

I made my way to the room and gasped when I entered a dark room lit up with just one soft light. The window was blocked by heavy blue curtains and on the walls were hanging all sort of bondage tools, a large selection of dildos, flogs, paddles, handcuffs, rope and a lot of stuff I had never seen.

There was a smell of fresh paint and everything around me seemed new. Even the king size bed in the middle of the room looked like a recent addition. Did he do all of this for us?

I didn't have time to think about that. I heard Jasper coming and took my clothes off in record time. I waited beside the bed, my hands behind my back and my head bowed, feeling anxious.

He opened the door and stopped a few feet away from me.

"Are you ready for your Master?" His question was asked firmly, in a stern, direct voice.

I wondered what he was implying with this sentence. Was he referring to him fucking me, to this night and his surprises, or was it in general, referring to our relationship?

I didn't know but to tell the truth, I didn't care. All I knew was this was going to be an unforgettable night.


	9. Chapter 9

"_Are you ready for your Master?" His question was asked firmly, in a stern, direct voice. _

_I wondered what he was implying with this sentence. Was he referring to him fucking me, to this night and his surprises, or was it in general, referring to our relationship? _

_I didn't know but to tell the truth, I didn't care. All I knew was this was going to be an unforgettable night. _

Keeping my head down, I nodded my answer, unsure if I was allowed to talk.

"Good, because tonight is going to be our first real night together. I have been indulgent with you, I tried to give you a gentle start to this relationship. But tonight…" He paused and I ceased breathing; my legs were slightly shaking in anticipation. Surrounded by all this bondage equipment, I was getting scared.

He circled and stopped behind me, his chest touching my back. I could feel him trembling while he softly rubbed his clothed body against my naked one. I was on fire.

"Tonight, you will truly submit. You are going to serve my desire." He fisted his hand in my hair and violently jerked me backward. "I would love to shove my cock in your ass right now." He trailed his tongue from my collarbone to the base of my neck and bit my earlobe. I groaned, caught off guard by his actions.

"On your knees," Jasper commanded.

I fell to the ground, and faced the wall next to the bed. I impatiently awaited his next move while I heard him wandering around the room.

All this mystery and submission was really exciting, but among all the emotions I had, fear had a fair share. I was conscious that I had surrendered to someone I couldn't pretend I knew. The little glimpse of his life he had shared with me didn't solve my problem, it only raised other questions. The worst part was that I was sure I would never have answers.

Maybe I should check his medical record at the Institute, it seemed like the only way I would have answers. But could I really invade Jasper's privacy? He must have had his reasons if he didn't want to tell me, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to betray his thrust. Our relationship was already so fragile and I didn't want to give Jasper reasons to leave me. I just had to have faith in him. All things come to him who waits. The only important thing was that deep down, I knew Jasper wouldn't hurt me.

"Come to your Master." His harsh voice drew me out of my thoughts.

Still on my knees, I turned and rapidly crawled to him. I gasped when my eyes met his naked body. He was standing by the window, his arms rested along his lithe body and his head was slightly bent. It was a strange position, a submissive position.

I wondered if Jasper had been a sub before. That could explain his kindness and gentleness, even if it seemed like a silly thought. Jasper didn't look like a person who surrendered to anyone. I got the impression that he had control issue. Even when I penetrated him, _he_ was in control,_ he_ rode me, and _he_ made me come. His present submissive position was a little unexpected.

When I was a foot away from him, he stopped me by putting one hand on my shoulder. This small contact caused shivers to run through my body. His cold hand burnt my ignited one.

"Open your mouth." I complied and stared at his erect cock. The butterflies in my stomach were present more than ever. I was overwhelmed by my desire, I had difficulty breathing and felt a small drop of sweat trailing down my forehead.

Without any warning, Jasper shoved his dick into my mouth. The force of his action nearly made me lose my balance, but he caught me by the shoulders and prevented me from falling. He maintained this position for a few seconds, holding me firmly, but withdrew when he sensed me gag. I tried not to, but when I was focusing on moving my tongue to lick the underside of his dick, I forgot to swallow and breathe.

I barely had time to recover, and then he was in again. This time I concentrated on relaxing my throat to accommodate his size and keep him in as long as I could. He held his position and repeated his movement of withdrawal. He kept going for a few moments, but progressively increased his pace.

Ten minutes after, he was fucking my mouth shamelessly, taking the entire length of his cock in and out at a maddening pace. His hands were tightly fisted in my hair.

I put all my energy into doing it right, holding my position while I satisfied him. The sounds he was making were so powerful, almost animalistic. The quiet room was filled with his moans, grunts, and groans.

Those sounds made my cock harder. I wanted to stroke myself, relieve some pressure. In order to prevent myself from making this mistake, I had to dig my nails into my hips. I was sure that it would leave a mark, but I couldn't care less. The pain was a welcome distraction, it pulled me away from the impulse to touch myself.

Thank God that a couple of minutes later, Jasper picked up his movement and started to twitch in my mouth. I tried to lick his head but he wouldn't let me. Instead, he put his dick as far as he could down my throat. My nose was crushed against his pubic bone, and I swallowed every spurt he gave me.

He tasted like heaven, but truth be told, I didn't care about how he tasted or what he smelled like. It was his actions that counted the most. The fact that he was here, allowing me to pleasure him, to know him intimately, was the most important thing in this moment. I felt proud.

He continued to thrust in my mouth until his cock was completely flaccid. He was so sensitive that when I caressed his head with my tongue, his body shivered uncontrollably. He was coming undone. This was the moment I loved because he couldn't hide or pretend about his feelings anymore. Every emotion was raw and pure.

He turned around and I heard him breathe loudly. Why was he hiding from me? I thought I heard a dry sob exit his mouth but I couldn't be sure. He tried to mask it by moving some stuff on the wall.

I took those few moments to control myself. I had to stay in the game. I took deep breaths and concentrated my stare on the curtains. There was no mistake, Jasper wanted a real sub for tonight. There wouldn't be sweet lovers' gesture, just hard, tough sex and it wasn't so bad. I could use a meaningless night, everything was always so complicated with Jasper.

After I calmed myself, Jasper came back to me with some rope. My eyes widened with surprise but I instantly imagined all the wicked things he would do with it and my still erect shaft twitched.

"Edward, tonight is _the_ night. You are going to be mine."

Didn't he know that I was already his? Jasper fucking me would just reinforce my belonging.

"Bend down and put your hands beside each bed's foot." I followed his instructions and I found myself on all fours, my ass up in the air. The cool air in the bedroom caressed my opening and I felt totally exposed. My checks flushed at the realisation.

He attached my hands to the bed with the rope and spread my knees wider.

Without any notice, he slapped my lower back. The unexpected act caused my back to recoil and my voice to hiss at the abrupt pain.

I supposed that Jasper didn't like my reaction because he replicated the gesture all over my back. I repressed every cry or sob that threatened to overtake me, not wanting to disappoint him. Once my skin was probably red, he stopped and gently stroked my back. I trembled under his ministrations.

"I love seeing your skin so reactive to my touch. I bet you are pretty sensitive right now. The slightest brush would drive you crazy." This sentence was followed by the back of his hand slowly creeping along my spine.

The second he started to touch me, my muscles started to contract and I stopped breathing. Even if he only touched a small part of my back, I felt him everywhere. I wanted more. He was right, he was driving me crazy. I had never felt like this before; the combination of hurt and sweetness was wonderful. Every nerve in my body responded to Jasper. He had such power over me.

My thoughts were interrupted by the clasp of a bottle being opened. A few seconds later, I heard Jasper position himself behind me. He rubbed his hands together and grabbed my cock. He stroked my head, eliciting a loud moan from me when I understood that he used warming lube.

"You like that, don't you?" He chuckled. I knew better than to answer his rhetorical question, but I kept moaning, hoping that would satisfy him.

He was playing with my shaft when I felt a finger circling my entrance. I stopped moving. I knew that it was going to happen, but the reality was more frightening. I had no idea what to expect from this night. The few times I let someone fuck me, it hurt like hell. It tried to reassure myself by saying that it was a long time ago, those guys were just brutal. They didn't care about me or my pleasure, they just wanted to fuck someone and get their release.

Jasper wasn't like that. He always let me come. Even if tonight was about his pleasure, he knew how important this night was for me. I honestly didn't think he would do anything that could mar this night. I relaxed minutely and pushed against his hand to indicate I was ready for more.

Jasper quickened his pace on my shaft and slowly inserted a finger. Gently, he thrust until he was all in. I was breathing heavily, but all in all, I was good. The pleasure wasn't present, but at least it didn't hurt.

Jasper started to move inside me, curling his finger, and that was when the pain started to appear. I felt a little burn coupled with wrenching sensation. I tried to calm down and not show Jasper my hurt, but when I felt him add a second finger, I hissed, unable to control myself.

To smooth my burning pain, Jasper stroked my entire length at a rapid pace. It worked but it didn't suppress the hurt, it just diverted my mind for a while.

After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out his fingers. I breathed out a sigh of relief at the removal. Sadly, I knew that the worst was coming. My only hope was that it wouldn't hurt so much so that I wouldn't be able to fake enthusiasm.

While I heard him prepare himself, I thought about the reason why I reacted like that. The penetration in itself wasn't that bad but I couldn't say I was too fond of my current position. I would have liked being able to see him, observe him while he drove into me. Plus, my back and my arms were starting to ache with this restrained position.

I would never say this to Jasper, but I kind of missed his sweet, loving gestures. It wasn't that I didn't like our session, but I was realizing that what turned me on was the combination of both. Being slapped and then fucked by my lover was totally different than being slapped and fucked by my Master. With Jasper, even if the actions were practically the same, the emotions I had when he acted like my lover/Master were completely different.

It was difficult to explain, but the other times we had been together it had been different. I could feel that there was something more behind Jasper's actions, but now there was nothing, only Master Jasper. In the end, it made me feel used. He hadn't even kissed me tonight.

I gave up my internal monologue and resigned myself to endure what was going to happen. If Jasper needed to act like this, I would let him do it. I would give him anything as long as he was with me.

When he was ready, he nicely stroked my lower back and positioned the head of his cock at my entrance. My breathing started to pick up and I closed my eyes to prevent the tears from falling. Jasper had no idea that I was on the verge of crying when he pushed the head inside. My heart must have stopped because I couldn't breathe. I clenched my fists onto the bed's feet, desperately searching for the force to get through this.

Once completely inside me, he paused and I felt my entire body being ripped up in two. I knew he was fighting his instincts to give me time to adjust, but it wasn't necessary, I would never feel better. Everything in me screamed that it was wrong.

A few seconds later, Jasper started thrusting into me, first gently, but soon he was completely withdrawing his cock before shoving it hard in my ass. Every thrust was a fight; I was wrestling against my own emotions. Jasper had no idea how I felt. I kept everything inside.

Suddenly, after a few minutes, the pain started to subside. I didn't feel good, I just didn't feel anything anymore. Everything was gone, the stinging injuries vanished. I was numb; I couldn't feel anything. It was as if my body shut off.

That was when I became conscious of the reality of the situation. This was not how it was supposed to happen. This was not what I wanted. Jasper had what he wanted, I had completely surrendered to him. I was just a fucking doll. Jasper didn't care about me, otherwise he would have noticed my state of mind. Wasn't it his role to anticipate my desire and know when I was uncomfortable? For the first time since I started this "relationship" with Jasper, I wondered if I should safe-word.

I could feel Jasper taking his pleasure behind me. Didn't he know that each one of his thrusts created a small fissure in my heart? The more he continued, the more it broke all trust I had in him.

Regardless of everything I was feeling, I couldn't bring myself to stop him. I didn't want to lose him. He was the one for me, even if I apparently wasn't the one for him.

All those thoughts broke me. It wasn't the physical pain that became unbearable, it was the mental torment. All the memories I had with Jasper didn't comfort me in any way. They were just confirmation that he didn't care about me. He just chose me to be his sex toy.

Jasper bent down, looking for my cock. I heard him gasp when he realized that I was no longer hard. My cock was just lifeless, bouncing with every one of his thrusts. He fisted it and started a rapid rhythm, probably hoping it would help me.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I lost all control and started crying and sobbing in earnest. I tried to fight against the need to detach myself. I didn't want to safe-word. _Please Jasper, don't make me safe-word, please._

He immediately removed himself from me and detached me. I fell onto the cold floor, still crying. My muscles were aching, my breathing was still uneven, and my eyes were soaked with my endless tears.

How could he have done this to me? He knew how important it was for me and yet he didn't care, he took me without an ounce of hesitation. He used me and didn't even make me come. I felt like I was just a hole, nothing more. There had been no sweet touch, no gentle word, just sex. I was angry, this was not how I wished it would have gone. I had high hopes for this night. I thought I would finally let go and be able to enjoy being a bottom. Right now, I wasn't sure if I could have sex with someone for a long time, even or especially with Jasper.

Still, there was a little part of me that couldn't be mad at him. Through the pain and hurt, my perverse mind couldn't stop thinking that it was my role to serve him, to please him. I was his submissive. I shouldn't be mad, he was just playing his role, right? Was this how a "real" Master was supposed to act?

Since the beginning of our relationship, Jasper had never made any promise of more. He even claimed several times that he couldn't give me more that a bondage relationship.

I couldn't demand his affection, I had to understand that. I understood, but it was hard to have feeling for someone who clearly didn't have any for you.

I stood up and sat on the bed, rubbing my sore limbs. Jasper was in front of the bedroom door with his head resting on it.

I was torn between emotions. On one hand, I wanted to be mad, to yell, wreck his apartment and ask why he had been acting so harsh and cold, and why couldn't he give me what I wanted.

On the other hand, I wanted to beg him to keep me as his sub, to plead with him that I was sorry for not being well-prepared for this night. I should have known. I should have anticipated what would happen.

When I replayed the night, my conclusion was that Jasper had only acted like a Dom, just maybe not a caring one.

The only question in my mind now was, did I really want to be in this kind of bondage relationship?

I knew I wanted to be with Jasper, I needed him. Deep down, I knew I wanted to submit to him, but there was this whole other part of me that wanted a _relationship_ with Jasper, to be his equal. Of course, in the little time we'd had together, I'd enjoyed bondage, and taking our Master/sub relationship to a more "serious" level was exciting, but I didn't think that meant that we had no chance at a loving relationship.

The only thing I knew for certain was that I couldn't let him go. Jasper couldn't leave me, he was my air.

My raging thoughts were interrupted by Jasper. Still facing the door, he screamed, "You have to go… **now!**" His suddenly strangled voice was laced with anger. I would have been frightened if his face wasn't downcast, registering shamed.

Through this whole situation what I didn't understand was his violent reaction. I would have forgiven him. I wasn't that mad. In the end, it was my role to serve him, to meet his need. If acting like this with me was what he wanted, I would give him. My feeling didn't matter, I didn't care that it hurt or that I didn't come. All I wanted was for him to be happy. My tears were only a mechanical, stupid reaction to the situation. It was the way for my body to express physical pain. I was just disappointed about the lack of feeling and consideration he'd shown.

"Don't you get it? I'm not your Master. I can't be anyone Master. I'm broken." He paused and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, afraid of hearing the beginning of a break-up. "I thought I could be with you but I can't, it's too hard. I forgot how it was to feel this way, to have this kind of power over someone... Don't you understand? I am not a good Master. This wasn't a normal session, at least not for me. I'd never taken care of you. I can't be a Master. He took that too." He talked loudly against the door, making sure I was getting everything he said.

"You have to leave, Edward. Don't try to call me, don't come here again. Just leave me alone. I'm not good for you." A barely audible sob ripped through his chest and he opened the door, exiting the room, not bothering giving me a last glimpse.

I was in shock; my emotions were all over the edge. What the hell had just happened? And what did he meant by "_he took that too_"? He told me he was damaged but I didn't know his wounds were so deep. My silly assumption about his assault maybe wasn't so silly after all. It would explain everything if Jasper had been raped.

My mind was blank, I couldn't think or do anything. I refused to think about leaving Jasper. I just sat on the bed numb, staring at the door and waiting for something to happen. I didn't hear Jasper anymore, maybe he left the apartment, giving me enough time to grab my shit and get back home.

I couldn't go, leaving now would have meant abandoning him, backing down in front of difficulties. I could never forget him and go on with my life, this wasn't an option. I was not a coward, life taught me to fight in front of issues, not back away. I could not walk away, not with him, not with anybody.

Strangely, my body wasn't coordinate with my thoughts. I couldn't move. My limps simply refused to work. I was condemned to stay here and wait for Jasper to change his mind and come back to me.

Minutes passed, hours passed, and he didn't come back to see if I was still there. The sunlight was desperately trying to penetrate the room through the curtain, but it was a lost cause. Everything was modelled after my state of mind, a shadow desperately fighting the inevitable truth. Jasper was gone and he wasn't coming back.

A few moments later, my mind gave up. This situation was becoming insufferable; the room was growing smaller by the minute. I had difficulty breathing. I wanted to go home and feel safe again.

In the unbearable silence, I forced myself to find my clothes and dressed.

Before leaving the room, I leaned against the door, hopelessly searching for a last connection with Jasper. I found none. This whole night had been emotionless. I turned the door handle and entered the hallway.

Reaching the kitchen, I heard someone crying. The door was closed but I distinctly recognized Jasper's voice. He was on the phone.

Curiosity took the better part of me and I quietly pressed my ear against the door in order to hear his conversation. I knew I shouldn't but I had to know if there was still hope for us.

"_I can't, I hurt him too much. I knew our relationship was a mistake but it was necessary. I had to go through this catastrophic situation to get back to you." _

Oh my God, Jasper was with someone else. I knew it; Jasper was in love with someone other than me. It was the worst case scenario but _that_ explained everything. I couldn't believe I thought Jasper had been raped. Everything was clear now; he couldn't give me his heart because it was already belonging to some other guy.

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that, everything was so complicated. I needed a fresh start, and it had to be without you." _Jasper paused, giving me time to calm myself. A constant lump blocked my throat causing my breathing to shallow. _"Can you come here and help me? I need you, I don't know who else to ask. Please, Carlisle? You always have been my friend, my Master."_

I gasped loudly, backing away against the opposite wall. Jasper had a Master. Why didn't he tell me? How could he be with someone else? How could he be someone's submissive? It was impossible. I felt betrayed. Hearing this conversation was worse than everything that happened tonight in the room, my heart shattered.

Jasper opened the kitchen door and looked at me. He was so sad and his face reminded me of all the time I saw this expression. Every time we were together, he looked sad, remorseful or broken. Jasper had never show real happiness during our private time together.

The more the truth was revealed to me, the more I saw Jasper's true colours. He had never wanted me. I always had to extort all of the knowledge I had about him. He had never wanted to get to know me or spend time with me other than in our time in the bedroom.

Jasper had _never_ loved me, he was using me for his wicked game. That was all.

My hands rested against my knees and I tried to breathe normally. I felt my tears threatened to be drop and I would not give Jasper the satisfaction of seeing me crying over him. I took a deep inspiration and stood up, facing him. I forced myself not to look at his eyes. If I had, he would probably convince me that I was crazy and I would find some secret emotion proving me that he had feeling for me. I was done reading in his mind, analyzing every gesture in hope to find love. I created and amplified every little nice gesture he made. Now, I was confronted to the reality and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. It hurt so much, too much.

I turned and flew through the front door. Once in the street, I ran, ran for my life, for my loss, and for everything I had ever wanted but never found. I wanted to leave Jasper and his complicated, lonely life. I needed to escape this situation. I just ran through Paris, hoping it would erase a part of my memories.

It was early morning, the sun continued his rise in the quiet streets. I came across few people and wandered if they could feel my agonizing pain, sense my desperation.

My whole body was aching and I was out of breath but I couldn't stop. The cold air burnt my skin and made my eyes watered.

I had to survive this. I needed to survive this, otherwise I didn't know what would happened to me.

Suddenly, I came to a realization, I _had_ to leave. I had to live somewhere else, find myself back, and go back to square one. Maybe it was time, time to go _home_. It had been too long.

I didn't know who I was and what I wanted anymore. I figured that my parents were the only one who could help me figure it out.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Jasper's POV.**_

* * *

My eyes were closed. I wasn't here anymore. I was some place else, lost in my own pleasure. Feeling Edward around me was the best sensation I had ever had.

With my arms crossed behind my back, I madly thrust into his tight ass, desperate for more.

I was supposed to act like a Master tonight, treat Edward like a "real" sub, like Carlisle had taught me to be. I had been thinking about this night since the last time I saw Edward. Everything had to be perfect. I could not fail. I even cooked him dinner. After a tough session, I thought he would like a nice meal.

Slowly, I let Edward in.

Despite everything I had been through, I expected more with this relationship, and it was killing me. Edward didn't deserve all my problems and failures. I couldn't give him more, even if it was everything I wanted.

After he gave me an intense blow job, I had doubts about my ability in dominate Edward. It was hard to be emotionally detached with him and I was always afraid of being too involved.

Once I unloaded deep in his throat, my body was craving to touch him. It was unbearable not to feel his skin against mine or let our tongues meet in the perfect expression of our unspoken feeling.

Unfortunately, I couldn't, at least not tonight. I had to control my emotions in front of Edward. He couldn't see me weak or sensitive. _I_ was his Master. Everything was always about control.

Tonight was an important step in our relationship. We were going to become more intimate; Edward was letting me fuck him. I knew it wasn't something to be taken lightly. Edward didn't have good experiences in the past and I wanted to prove to him that he could enjoy it.

I didn't know how to approach this complex situation. The real challenge was to make him feel good and comfortable in a _session_. I had to be nice but still keep the Master's role. I couldn't become Edward's lover just because I fucked him. I couldn't lose the power.

At the same time, I knew I had to be gentle. Giving yourself _willingly_ to someone was important and I couldn't betray that kind of trust.

When I planned this night, I quickly concluded that I had to restrain him. It would be impossible to see his eyes while I fucked him. He had too powerful hold on me. In the end, I was sure that I would have given up the session and made concessions. This was not a path I was ready to take. Edward was mine but I certainly was not his. I could never be someone's.

The night began softly. I tried to tease him, show him the pleasant effect of a reddish skin. When I dragged my hand across his back, I could feel his muscle tense underneath my touch. It was incredible how reactive he was with me. Shivers ran through his body and I inaudibly moaned. My dick was coming to life; I had to start preparing him.

I knew that penetration would be easier if Edward was excited. I lubed my hand and started to loosely stroke the head of his cock. He didn't need this; he was already hard as a rock. I just thought it would be a welcome distraction.

Once his moaning was almost constant, I took that as my clue to start. I brushed my fingertip around his entrance. He didn't react like I was hoping. I barely had touched him when his whole body tensed. _Probably the surprise effect._ I accelerated my pace on his shaft and waited for him to relax.

After a few moments, I could feel him calm down, so I pushed my finger in. He was breathing heavily but he didn't seem as scared as before. I slowly moved my finger inside of him, searching for his prostate but I needed more room. I quickly added another finger, desperate in my quest. I didn't realize my movement until I heard Edward hiss in pain.

I almost stopped everything and said the safe-word. How could I not notice his pain? I wasn't allowed to be distracted with Edward. Maybe we weren't ready for tonight. He didn't have enough time to be ready. Was he doing this for me or for himself? Should I just stop and talk with him?

_Stop it, you need to focus!_

I had to stop having doubts. Otherwise, Edward would notice and this was not acceptable. I had to rapidly pull myself together and put my head in the game. I couldn't panic in front of Edward.

I increased the strokes around his cock, hoping it would ease him.

I waited patiently, my motionless fingers trapped in his soft hole. He was so tight. The feeling was amazing; my dick begged me to be inside him. My fingers were completely surrounded by a burning fire and I wanted to lose myself in this warmness.

After a reasonable amount of time, I pulled out of him and grabbed the lube and a condom. I couldn't take it anymore.

Covering my cock with lube, I briefly wondered if this was the right way. Before Alec, I had never acted like this with a sub. I always considered myself a gentle Master. I always caressed and kissed my sub, made them feel comfortable. I used to crave for this connection. I needed it. This was the reason why I was in this world. It was so easy to have someone who pleased your sexual needs but what I wanted was _submission_. I wanted to look in my sub's eyes and see devotion. That was something you couldn't force; it had to be given willingly.

Now I felt as if I acted like I thought a Master should act rather than just be a Master. Did _he_ take that too? Did _Alec_ take away everything I had ever loved? I felt so broken. I always thought that being a Master was the last thing left I had. But now, I wasn't sure about anything. Did Edward even consider me a good Master? Did _I_ consider myself a good Master? I didn't have an answer. I just knew that I would never hurt Edward. Maybe things would get better with time. It had been so long since my last session, since Alec.

When I was positioned behind Edward, I took a few seconds and drank him in. He was absolutely gorgeous, on all fours unable to move, waiting patiently for my cock. He was wonderful. I slowly stroked the small of his back, hoping it would convey my burning desire.

I pushed against his entrance. I felt Edward clenching violently around me but it was normal considering his past. I saw him grip the bed's feet but focused on his breathing. He didn't show a sign of unbearable sensation, so I kept pushing.

Soon, I was completely buried in Edward and my world totally shattered. I had never felt something so complete in my life. It was perfectly right to be inside him. An unknown area in my belly suddenly came alive. This unstoppable force manifested through a lump in my throat. My chest felt smaller, and I was having difficulty breathing.

Time accelerated. I barely had time to think when I found myself thrusting hard into his wonderful hole. I was overwhelmed by my emotion. My head rolled back and I closed my eyes, focusing on the incredible chase to my orgasm.

A few minutes later, I felt my balls tighten and stars appeared in my eyesight. I was hoping that Edward was close to his own release because I wasn't sure I could hold back the mindblowing orgasm that was coming.

I bent down, laying my chest against Edward's back.

I gasped, unable to contain the surprise of finding Edward's flaccid cock_._ What the fuck? Edward wasn't aroused. Didn't he enjoy himself? Was he hurting? How could I have been so blind and self-absorbed that I didn't think about his pleasure?

I tried to stroke him rapidly, matching my own pace. I was desperate to get him back; this was not supposed to be like that. I felt myself losing my erection. I couldn't understand why I had been so stupid. I hadn't cared about him. He was probably hurting and afraid of telling me. I should have known. It was my role to protect him, even if it was from me.

Suddenly, I heard him sob and he fought against his restrain.

I immediately stopped everything and released him from the bed. He collapsed on the floor crying, naked.

I stood up and stared at him in astonishment. He looked so fragile, so broken. I felt sick. How could I have let this happen? Why wasn't I able to think?

I started to analyse the events of the night: the blow job, the slapping, the fucking, and then it hit me. During the whole evening, I had never though about Edward's desire. It was always mine. I had _never_ thought about his comfort or state of mind. I had never even thought about his orgasm before I reached mine; I just assumed that he was aroused. It was all about _me_.

What had I done?

The realization of the situation came to light and I disgusted myself. I had a flashback to my night with Alec. He had never read any of the signals I had given him about my uneasiness, when I had safe-worded, he hadn't listened. He just kept going, taking everything he wanted. I had cried and sobbed, just like Edward, but he had not stopped. I was the sub and I was there to satisfy him. I didn't have to complain.

I couldn't believe it. I was a monster. I was so determined to forget about everything that happened that night that I also forget how to be a Master. I was condemned to be Alec's sub. He had said it; he would be with me all the time, no matter what happened to him.

I got dressed and tried to exit the room but couldn't resolve myself to leave Edward. I rested my head against the bedroom door and tried to gather my thoughts. I had to end my relationship with Edward. He deserved better and I would not risk hurting him. I could not be his Master, his lover or his anything. He had to be out of my life for good.

I heard him move to sit on the bed and a silent tear ran down my face. I couldn't imagine my life without Edward. Even if I didn't show him, I did care about him. He succeeded in getting me out of my shell. Before I met him, I didn't have a friend. After Alec, I completely cut myself off from everyone, my friends, Carlisle, even my parents. I was living a lonely life, always under the shadow of the event of New York.

How could I survive without Edward?

Then, it hit me. It didn't matter if I survived; he was the one who needed to be saved. It was too late for me. He had to escape this situation before it was too late. He had to escape me. I needed to push him away. I had to, in order to protect him.

"You have to go… **now!**" I didn't even have the guts to face him. I kept staring of my shoes, my forehead against the door. I hated myself; I had become the monster I always feared. I convinced myself easily and let the words fall from my lips, praying that he would believe me. I didn't have the strength to physically throw him out.

"Don't you get it? I'm not your Master. I can't be anyone's Master. I'm broken. I thought I could be with you but I can't, it's too hard. I forgot how it was to feel this way, to have this kind of power over someone..." After New York, I swore to myself that I would never take that path again. Being a Master was the only thing that remained intact and I was terrified of being inept. Edward just confirmed all my fears and doubts.

"Don't you understand? I am not a good Master. This wasn't a normal session, at least not for me. I never took care of you. I can't be a Master. He took that too." Alec took absolutely every little thing I had ever built away from me. There was undeniably a before and after Alec. I was forced to change and abandon everything behind me. I was so ashamed, I deserved what I had.

"You have to leave, Edward. Don't try to call me, don't come here again. Just leave me alone. I'm not good for you." It was over. The mere thought of not seeing Edward again was suffocating. I couldn't hold back a sob. I had to leave, exit this apartment, this relationship, this non-life. I opened the door and silently said goodbye to the last hope I had ever had.

I grabbed my keys and made my way to the rooftop. It was the only place that calmed me when I had my nightmares. The previous tenant had installed a little garden and a couple of chairs. It was basic but it was enough and private. I didn't want company.

As soon as I passed the door, the cold air hit my ignited face. I took a deep breath and admired the panorama, la tour Eiffel. It was resplendent, glimmering with a thousand sparks. It always amazed me the effect it had on me. I had seen la tour Eiffel all my life and yet, every time I looked at it, it seemed like the first time.

I instantly relaxed. I sat in a chair and lit a cigarette.

I didn't understand how everything had gone so wrong. Why had I acted this way with Edward? Since the first time I saw him at the Institut, I had wanted him. I wanted to dominate him; he seemed so in control. I was craving to show him the pleasure of giving yourself to someone, to trust someone with your life. I needed to be that person, be with him.

Slowly, our relationship drifted to another path and if I was honest, we were never _just _Master/sub. There was always something, a small part inside me that rekindled in his presence and it terrified me.

I had never been in a loving relationship. Of course, I loved my parents, had close friends. I could even say that I loved Carlisle. But all this love was purely platonic, never more. With Edward, everything I was trying to banish came back in full force. All the loneliness, the hurt, the cancer were back.

I had never dealt with this pain. I had always run away, hoping I would lose my memories in the middle. _I_ had been the one who wanted to leave France for the big New York to seek for more. I had just reaped what I sowed. Ironically, I used to long for an eventful life but after everything, what I only desired was my life back. I wanted to go back to the south of France. It was so much easier when all I had to do was check if the goat was pregnant.

Nothing seemed right. There was no solution to my problem. I had rejected everyone who could help me get through this. I had no one… unless… maybe Carlisle would help me.

Even if I left New York abruptly, Carlisle never gave up on me and our friendship. He would email me every month or so, giving me updates on his life. I never answered him and yet, he kept trying. He knew I would come back one day.

Sometimes, I wondered if he was doing all of this out of guilt. He blamed himself for what happened that night but it wasn't his fault. He didn't know Alec was going to bribe the original Dom and take his place. If he had known, I was sure he would have never let me go. He had trusted Alec, and at the time, I had too. I should have known as soon as I saw Alec's face when he entered the room, but I was naïve. I didn't think it could happen.

Carlisle and I were so similar and so different at the same time but if I asked for help, he would answer. He was the kind of friend that was always there for you, that listened and guided you to the right path. I understood now how rare that was.

I needed Carlisle. He was the only one who could get me through this situation. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't go back to Edward; he probably hated me after what I had done. Even if he didn't, I couldn't face him.

It was time for me to deal with my issues. I couldn't move on and create a future if my past was unresolved. This simple reasoning took me three years to acknowledge.

I threw my cigarette away and headed back to my apartment.

Once inside, sure that Edward was long gone, I grabbed my cell in the living room and went inside my kitchen. I didn't pay attention to the uneaten dinner I had made and sat at the table.

It took me four times to actually call Carlisle. I didn't care about what time it was in New York or if he was at work; I knew he would pick up no matter what.

I waited patiently and after ten long seconds, he answered.

"Jasper?" He sounded surprise but relieved.

"Hi, Carlisle." My voice was suddenly a tiny whisper. I was ashamed about how I handled our friendship. It was my fault. After I left New York, I pushed Carlisle away, didn't do anything to preserve our bound and the more times slipped by, the more it felt weird to call him.

"Jasper… How are you?" His surprise was quickly masked by his usual neutral tone.

"I… I'm… I don't know." I honestly didn't know how to answer that question, and I'd never lie to Carlisle. I respected him too much.

"What happened? Where are you?" Carlisle replied promptly.

"I'm in France." I paused, not sure where to start. Everything used to be so simple between us but now, I was overcome by the guilt. "Carlisle, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that. I didn't think. I just wanted everything to be gone. I'm so sorry." I could feel my voice progressively disappearing under this heavy weight.

"You don't have to be. Every one deals with pain in his own way… But I would have appreciated a quick call or a note. I was worried." Carlisle let out a sigh and I briefly considered hanging up. Who was I to ask for help after what I'd done? Thankfully, he put me out of my dark thoughts. "Tell me what happened."

"I-I met someone." It was a simple sentence but saying it was admitting that Edward was a part of my life. I was not sure how I felt about that.

There were a few moments where neither of us spoke, each lost in our own thoughts before Carlisle broke through the peaceful calm.

"How far did it go?" _Always the inquisitive tone, very fatherly._ I wondered if it was my lost friend or my lost Master who asked.

"He was my sub. Or I thought he was. But he might… be more."

Carlisle just hummed, leaving me interpreting his answer.

Thinking about Edward brought me back to a few hours before. I had been awful with him. I had put him out without even an explication. I didn't have the courage to face him. I was a coward. He couldn't see my true face; I was a failure, not good for anyone.

"Was he the first one since…?"

I cut off Carlisle, not wanting to hear about it. "Yes, I didn't want to be involved in half a relationship. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready, I think." I wished I was.

"What did you do?" Carlisle's voice was a mixture of apprehension and fear.

"I-I… It had been hard for me to separate the sex and the relationship. I think my feeling for him misguided my instinct. Every time I'm with him, my dominant skills are concealed by my desire for love and it resulted in a very complicated relationship. I don't know how to act with him and I don't think I'm ready for a loving relationship but Edward… with him, it's too powerful. So last night I decided to fulfil my responsibility and be his Master."

An audible sob ripped through my chest at the memory but I resumed my explanation, afraid Carlisle would ask question. "Everything went wrong. By being a Master, I totally forgot about him and wasted his practically first night as a bottom. I'm so lost, Carlisle. Everything is so wrong since _that_ night. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call or ask for help. I completely shut myself down. I have no one. Please help me." The emotions were too heavy. I couldn't speak. A lump obstructed my throat and my eyes were stinging. I sensed a near breakdown.

"Jasper, you are right. You need help. You cannot face this alone and knowing you, I'm pretty sure you didn't even call your parents after the rape. You can't run away all your life. This is your past, you need to face it and accept that it wasn't your fault, like I accepted that it wasn't mine. Sometimes things happen because they just have to. There is no reason to look for why, it's done now. You just have to deal with it.

"As for Edward, I don't think it's a good idea that you start building a relationship based on lies or untold stories. If he is as important as I think he his, you need to share the truth with him. You certainly do not try to mix bondage and loving relationship in your state of mind. You need to be clear of all your emotions to have a sub, especially with someone you love. You have to put a very fine line between those two worlds. And I do not think you can do this now. You need help, Jasper."

After Carlisle finished, I was crying softly. My life had been a lie for so long. I had never faced what happened that night. After New York, I had been diagnosed with the cancer pretty quickly and since then, my life resumed in finding money and fighting the bitch. I was caught in a downward spiral of depression. I didn't have a taste for life anymore. I just survived.

Carlisle started talking again in a much softer tone. "However if you still want to pursue a relationship with Edward, you need to talk to him. I know he's someone important, you owe him at least an explanation. That doesn't excuse your behaviour in any way." Carlisle didn't understand that Edward wasn't the problem. I was. An explanation wouldn't resolve everything. I needed help; Carlisle had to help me. I didn't know anyone else who could.

"I can't, I hurt him too much. I knew our relationship was a mistake but it was necessary. I had to go through this catastrophic situation to get back to you." I missed him. I missed our friendship and our life in New York. Everything was simple with Carlisle; he always took my under his wing. I missed feeling young and naïve. "To get back my life," I added in a whisper.

"I have to admit that that horrible night had pretty heavy consequences. When you didn't answer my call that night, I panicked. I called everyone to see if you contacted them and when I ran out of options, I called the hospital. I nearly had a heart attack when they told me what happened. Jasper, I'm so sorry. I never knew he was like that, Alec had always been nice to me. He showed interest in you and I thought it would be good for you to sub for someone else. You were always so independent and eager to learn." I didn't want to hear it. I practically didn't remember anything about that night and even the nights after. I blocked every memory before I landed in Paris.

Carlisle wouldn't stop. "That was why I respect your desire of loneliness, but it doesn't mean that I didn't care. And then one day, I wanted to visit you at the hospital but you weren't there. I went to your apartment and nothing. I had to learn from your neighbour that you took a plane to France and didn't leave a fucking address! How could you treat me that way? Don't you have a little respect for me?" At the time, I didn't think about that; I didn't think about anything. I hadn't realized the consequences of my action. I turned my back to everyone, including my family in France. I completely shut down. I had always considered Carlisle as my friend and Master. We had a complicated relationship but I loved him, and it made everything simple. He was right; he deserved better than this.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that, everything was so complicated. I needed a fresh start, and it had to be without you." It turned out to be the biggest mistakes of my life. I couldn't forget about New York and I certainly couldn't face this situation alone. "Can you come here and help me? I need you, I don't know who else to ask. Please, Carlisle? You always have been my friend, my Master," I pleaded desperately. I was out of options, and didn't know what else to do.

I heard someone gasp in the hallway. I closed my eyes, praying that it wasn't Edward. _Please, not now._ I took a deep breath, dried my tears and opened the kitchen door.

I found Edward, lying against the wall, cowering. He raised his head and I had to fight a strong urge to break down. He couldn't see me like that. Otherwise he would know that something was wrong with me. I didn't want him to see me that way. He could hate me, love me, hurt me, but he couldn't think less of me.

My mind stopped, my body completely froze, and I just stared at him. I didn't know what else to do.

After a few seconds, he broke our eye contact and breathed heavily. I almost could hear his raging thoughts. My own breath picked up and I prepared myself for the worst.

He quickly glanced at me and it created a slip in my heart. There was so much hurt in his eyes.

Before I had time to think about something to say or do, he was already gone. My chest was tightening by the second and I remembered that I was still holding my phone. I put it against my ear and forced myself to speak.

"Carlisle, please." My voice was a whisper lost in the depth of the silence.

After a couple of moments, he finally replied. "I'll take a plane tonight. Where do you live?"

I gave him the information he needed before hanging up.

Knowing that Carlisle would be here soon relaxed me, but even if I could breathe normally, there was still this horrible feeling of my heart ripping. My chest felt too small to contain everything.

I dragged myself into the living room and collapsed on the couch. I couldn't think about the idea of going in the bedroom. I didn't want to think about this night, my feelings, Edward, and most of all, Alec. I wanted it all gone. I didn't have the force to live anymore; it was too hard. Every second was a battle.

I put a blanket around me and closed my eyes.

Everything was so wrong. I couldn't do it anymore.

I tentatively chased sleep, appeasing my mind by thinking that Carlisle would be here soon. He would know what to do. He always knew.

_Forgive me, Edward._


	11. Chapter 11

_**EPOV **_

_Suddenly, I came to a realization, I had to leave. I had to live somewhere else, find myself, and go back to square one. Maybe it was time, time to go home. It had been too long._

_I didn't know who I was and what I wanted anymore. I figured that my parents were the only ones who could help me figure it out._

I arrived at my apartment in the early hours, barely conscious of my actions. I called work and took a week off. I was determined to leave Paris as soon as I could. I wrote my resignation letter and mailed it.

In three months, I would officially be unemployed, but I couldn't care less. I never cared about any job, never cared about anything. Since my apartment was paid by the Institute, I would be homeless, too.

After everything that happened, my only aim was to go home. I had a week to go see if my parents would take me back. I booked a flight for the next morning and prepared my luggage.

I knew I shouldn't put high hope in my parents. They were good parents, it was me who blow everything up. They hadn't done anything to push me away. They'd always loved me, and I just had to hope that they still did, at least enough to help me. Otherwise, I had three months until… I didn't want to think about that.

When I finished, I sat on my couch, staring at the wall. Now that the only thing I had to do was wait, dark thoughts invaded my mind. I had to do something with my life. I couldn't continue living like this. Nothing really mattered; I felt empty. I spent practically all my adult life searching for the meaning of my life without succeeding. Jasper was just the catalyst.

When I met him, I thought I finally had found what I was looking for. I completely gave myself to him and got my fingers burned. I was stupid to think that he was _the one_, the person that completed me.

Jasper couldn't complete me. He already completed someone else, this Carlisle, _his_ Master.

I couldn't start thinking about that. I didn't want to think that he had a Master; a person to whom he surrendered, became vulnerable. It was unbearable. The mere thought of Jasper with someone other than me was hard enough. Every aspect of my life was becoming unbearable. Hearing Jasper say that our relationship was a mistake and beg for help to get out of this situation was beyond me.

I needed a way out, nothing seemed right anymore. The joy I had living in Paris was no longer present anymore. Ever since I met Jasper, I stopped everything. I didn't go out nor do anything on my own without thinking about Jasper or our fucked up relationship. How could I have let myself fall so deep so rapidly?

Jasper was the embodiment of my hope. Ever since I met him, I kept hoping that he would save me… that he'd gave me the love I was craving. Unfortunately, when I looked back at everything we lived, it was just a succession of disappointments. He had never really shown anything that proved to me that there was more between us than sex. I wanted a deeper relationship so much that I created a vision of Jasper where he had feelings for me. I was so stupid.

I should have known nothing could ever be good with me. I didn't deserve it. I had never done anything in my life to justify receiving such a gift. I abandoned my parents as soon as I could and never looked back. They didn't do anything to deserve this treatment, but at the time I didn't think. I wanted to escape their hold, to be on my own, so I just cut myself off completely. I never visited them, never called or even wrote. The more time passed, the more my shame blocked me from making contact with them.

Would they welcome me after all this time? Was I still their son? Would they even recognize me? I felt like I was jumping head first in dark water. I didn't know how they would react. I could only hope that they'd forgive me. I needed them, needed to feel loved again.

After hours of sitting in the living room rehashing my heavy thoughts, everything was dark around me. It was almost midnight and I had to leave at six a.m. I didn't even think about getting a shower. I just slid down the couch and pulled my knees against my chest. I could only wait, now.

_Why did you do this, Jasper?_

* * *

I spent most of the flight chasing sleep, asking myself in the depth of my mind how Jasper would act if he met my parents? Would he have been as nervous as me or calm or maybe, excited? Every time I closed my eyes, he was there, taunting me.

As soon as I was conscious of those wicked thoughts, I reasoned with myself. Jasper wasn't here; he certainly would never meet my parents. I was alone, only able to rely on myself to be calm. Taking a deep breath, my past now lay in front of me.

* * *

New York hadn't changed; it was always noisy, full of people, and very impressive. It had been seven years. I never thought I could miss this place so much. Strangely, it didn't feel like home anymore-just a piece of my past that took me back to the time when I was naïve and eager to discover the world. Countless thoughts of wild nights flooded me while riding through Manhattan, but the memories that assailed me while approaching Asharoken pinched my heart in a most haunting way.

My heart swelled as I approached my childhood town. When the driver turned on the street where my parents lived, I had difficulty breathing. I was sweating greatly and my hands were shaking. Minutes started to slow down.

Without thinking, I found myself getting out of the cab and walking to my parents' house. It hadn't changed either. There was my old swing in the front garden, the bench beside the roses where I'd had my first kiss, and the porch where my mother and I used to read for hours together.

It was weird to be back to a familiar, but forgotten place. Everything was as I remembered, but it wasn't my home anymore.

I approached the front door, tidied up my hair, took a deep breath, and knocked. _God, I__wish__Jasper was here,__he would give me the strength__I__need._ I waited anxiously for someone to open the door. A minute later, a person partway opened the front door hid behind it. It was a girl, maybe nine or ten years old. Did my parents move out?

"Hi sweetie, I'm looking for M. or Mrs. Cullen. Are they still living here?" In answer, I received a timid nod. Who was this girl? Did my mother babysit some neighbor's kid?

"Are they home?" Again a nod.

"Could you go find them and tell them that Edward is here?" This time I got no answer; the girl just shut the door and ran through the house.

This was it. After seven years, I was going to see my parents again. I couldn't let go of the bad feeling that pervaded my mind. Why would they forgive me?

After an excruciating amount of time, I heard light foot steps heading toward the closed front door. My heart picked up and I held my breath. The door slowly opened and I found myself in front of my mother. Her eyes widened and she gasped.

At the same time, we both released a deep breath and gazed at each other. She was beautiful, the same long red hair falling on her shoulders and those green almond-shaped eyes. Her face was radiant; time clearly speared her.

We stared at each other for a few seconds before I could no longer take it. I had to say it, I had to ask.

"I'm so sorry, Mom… so sorry. Can you… forgive me?" My whisper broke in the middle of the sentence and I held back a sob. I was so scared that they disowned me.

I pleaded with my eyes, silently begging for her love. I needed it too much.

She didn't speak at first. She just took me in her arms. I was so shocked that I didn't answer her embrace immediately. It had been so long since someone held me without a sexual, ulterior motive.

When I put my arm around her and buried my face in her neck, I heard her start to cry into my hair. I couldn't bear hearing this; I completely gave in to my grief. I tightened my hold around her waist and silently sobbed in my mother's arms.

I didn't know how much time we stayed like this and I didn't care. There was no place I'd rather be at the moment. I felt so much love. I couldn't believe she accepted me so easily.

She pulled back and rested her hand against my cheek.

"Edward, I knew you would come back one day. You are so beautiful, my son." Her kindness and sweetness ate me alive. The shame and guilt I felt about acting like I had completely broke me down. I didn't want to let her go. Tears rolled down my face. Knowing that she still loved me didn't make me feel better. On the contrary, I started to tremble and sobbing violently. _You don't deserve her._

"Edward, what's wrong?" My mother was getting scared by my reaction. To tell the truth, so was I.

I managed to screw up everything in my life. I pushed away everyone and everything I had ever loved because I wanted more. I was selfish. I didn't think about my mother, I didn't think about giving time to Jasper. As a result, I was alone, sad and without, really, a home.

My mother guided me into the living room and sat me down on the, still welcoming, couch.

"Stay there, I'm going to make you a cup of hot chocolate." She kissed my forehead, always so comforting. "Don't leave, please." she murmured behind me.

I sighed. _I have to make it up to her._ I could not abandon her anymore. My only wish was that my parents would accept to welcome me for a few months, so that I could make amends for my mistakes.

While I was on the plane, I thought about the reasons I never came back here. After a long analysis, I concluded that it wasn't entirely because of shame. It also was because I didn't feel like I had succeeded in… _anything_. I left the States because I was looking for something more and I couldn't come back until I had found it.

I wished so much that Jasper was that something.

Feeling better, I stood up and made my way to the kitchen. My mother was pouring hot chocolate in a mug while chatting with the little girl.

"Hey, Edward. Come over here. I don't think you met properly." Mom said, her hands on the girl's shoulders. "I would like to introduce you to your little sister, Rosalie." _What the fuck!_ My face must have betrayed my shock because my mom chuckled and added, "Rosalie joined our family three years ago. Her birth parents died in a terrible car crash when she was six." The last sentence was said in a sad whisper.

I couldn't believe it. How could they have adopted a kid, at their age? They never stopped, always striving to do the right thing. _That_ was my parents, good people, eager to share their love.

I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I now had a sister, for three years, no less. So much had happened while I was away. I couldn't help but be a little jealous. Why would they take me back if they already had a new improved kid at home?

I turned around and faced Rosalie. She was annoyingly beautiful. She had long curly blond hair, piercing green eyes, and a really unusually pale face. I smiled at her and her entire face flushed in response. She went and hid behind my mother, giving me quick glances.

"She's beautiful." My mother nodded, caressing her hair. I was curious to know if the adoption was my mother's or my father's decision. Speaking of which, "Where's Dad?"

She didn't answer right away. She turned and murmured something to Rosalie before giving her a kiss on the forehead. _God, I miss those kisses_.

My mother handed me the cup of hot chocolate and faced me. "Edward, you have to understand that when you left, it broke your father's heart. Through the years, our pain never ceased. Even with you in front of me, the pain is still here." I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I didn't want to hear this. "I never stopped loving you; I was sure that you will come back some day.

"But your father… he kept blaming himself, thinking that he didn't show you how much he loved you or that he worked too much at the hospital. He didn't understand your desire to discover the world. After you left, he refused to talk about you; and he began to take more shifts at the hospital and buried himself with work. Those were the dark years of our marriage.

"This continued until Rosalie came to us. Her father was your father's childhood friend and when we learned what happened he begged me to adopt her. After that he started to work less and spent more time with us. He seemed happy, but I know that your departure caused a terrible wound."

My legs started to shake. What had I done? My father had been so affected by my actions. I didn't deserve my mother's kindness. I made them suffer a great deal and had been completely oblivious to their feelings. I had been so selfish, only thinking about me and my stupid desire. Had I been like this with Jasper? Was this why he acted so detached? I leaned against the kitchen counter and tears slipped down my face, again.

My mother moved beside me and put her arms around my shoulders. She tried to comfort me, but her efforts only increased my remorse. I wasn't good enough, I shouldn't have went back there.

I gathered all the courage I had left and asked in a shaky voice, "He doesn't want to see me, does he?"

Mom caressed my hair and held me tighter, "Give him time, Edward. You have to give us time to forgive." But how could they forgive me? How could they forget that I had abandoned them and never looked back? I hadn't forgiven myself and I didn't think I ever could.

I had to leave; nothing seemed right here. This place didn't feel like home anymore. My parents were two strangers now. I had no right to be here and mess with their lives.

That wasn't the place for me to find my salvation. It was just remaining vestiges of my past and a constant reminder of my horrible actions, and their consequences.

I broke my mother's embrace and headed to the front door. I had barely touched the handle when my mother was running and grabbing my hand.

"Don't leave, Edward. Please, don't leave us again. I don't think I could survive it _again_," She was pleading with me, but I couldn't stay here knowing that my life was a failure. I couldn't come back home knowing that the past seven years counted for nothing. I hadn't done anything in my life; I had nothing that could justify my past leaving. As hard as hearing all the hurt I caused might be, coming back with nothing was harder.

I grabbed my phone to called a cab. My life wasn't there anymore. It was a mistake to go back to New York. Nothing felt right anymore. I didn't have a home, I was going to be unemployed in three months and I had no real friends. I completely fucked up everything in my life.

Without facing her, I answered in a firm voice. "I can't stay, Mom. Not now." I paused, not trusting my voice to be even. "My life is a mess and I can't stay here knowing that all those years brought nothing good. It was a mistake to come back here now. I'll keep in touch this time… I promise. I'm sorry... Tell dad I'm sorry for everything." With this last whisper, I opened the door, praying that she would let me go.

_What am I going to do, now?_

* * *

The second I landed in Paris, I was determined. I would do anything to get my life in order. First, I needed to decide where I wanted to live. Staying in Paris was out of question. After the whole Jasper story, I didn't want to stay there, too many memories.

Second, I had to find a job. I liked being a medical physicist but it was a tough job. Even at home, I was still at work, analyzing every mistakes that I might have made. The slightest lapse of attention could have dramatic consequences on a patient's life. With time, I realized that it was a burden I no longer wanted to carry.

It left me with the most important question: what did I want to do for living?

I had three months to answer this question. After that, I could do and be what I wanted.

_6 weeks later._

I had a shitty day at work. Ever since I resigned, everybody was hard on me. I had to be the first to come and the last to leave. I worked twice as much as everyone and took care of every hard patient. It was as if I had to prove to my co-workers that I had the right to quit this well-paid job. I thought it was mainly due to the fact that I didn't give a reason for quitting, but how could I tell them something I didn't know myself?

Since I came back from New York, my life summed up to work and sleep.

It was nine p.m. I was tired, hungry, and dirty. I shut down my computer for the day. I wanted to go home and rest. Unfortunately, Alice thought otherwise.

"Hey, Edward. How are you? I heard you were leaving us. God, it's been so long since we talked." I was grumpy, but I couldn't send away Alice; she was the closest thing I had to a friend.

"Just tired," I said, smiling. I put on my coat and turned off the light. "Are you done for today?" _What does she want?_ _I hate small talk._

"Yeah, but I don't want to go home yet. Do you… Would you want to go grab a drink?" She asked suddenly shy.

"I don't think so, Alice. I'm pretty tired; I've been here since seven a.m." We were walking to the main entrance when she grabbed my arm.

"Come on, Edward. You're leaving soon; you'll regret this if you don't come with me." She made this horribly cute puppy face and I knew I was condemned to agree.

"Alright, but just one drink. It's a school night." _Only Wednesday, this intense I've-resigned schedule is going to kill me._ She grinned brightly in response.

On our way to the closest pub, Alice and I only exchanged a few words. She was still dating James, nothing serious, but I could tell that she wished for more_. Just like me._ Had Jasper wanted more, too? Did he miss me? Where was he?

Without thinking, I started imagining Jasper and me on a double-date with Alice and James, out in the face of the world. I would have loved being able to express my feelings so freely, showing Paris that I had been chosen by someone -that I too deserved to be loved. Unfortunately, it was just a dream. Jasper didn't love me. He left me.

Arriving at the pub, we ordered our drinks at the counter and sat down waiting in an awkward silence to be served.

A couple of minutes later, Alice couldn't take it anymore.

"So Edward, why have you quit your job?" She definitely knew how to get to the heart of the matter. _Way to drive straight to the point, Alice. _

"I want a change. Normally, I don't stay so long in one place. I should have left six months ago." I tried to keep my voice emotionless. I didn't want to talk about _him_.

"But why now? You seemed so happy living in France. Plus, you have to admit that French girls are cute," Alice said, winking at me. I flinched, just the thought of a woman sexually made me a little sick. Being with Jasper made me realize that I was much closer to homosexual than straight or even bi. I had no doubt now; I could never be with woman after him.

Interpreting my face the wrong way, Alice continued, "Is that the reason? Is this because of a girl?" She seemed determine to know.

I was getting really exasperated by this whole situation. "No, it's just that… I need a change." My voice rose a little at the end.

"Okay… so where are going to go? You're staying in France, right?" It was becoming a real examination.

"I don't know. I might go to Italy for a while. I always wanted to see Tuscany." I said, thoughtful.

"Again, why? You may not see it now, but you are French by adoption, whether you like it or not. I can see it, this is your home, maybe not Paris, but France doesn't reside _only_ in Paris." She thought for a second and added. "Have you ever thought about the south of France? I can easily picture you there."

I certainly didn't think about the south of France. For me, it could be summed up in two words: St. Tropez. I was so not the kind of person who liked to flaunt my money. I didn't like yachts, stars, or anything related to the "bling-bling" culture. I liked to party, but I was more an Irish pub guy than Kate Moss on a beach guy.

"I don't think so and I think you should slow down with the Chardonnay, lady. It makes you say weird things," I teased gently.

"Thanks, Edward, but my mind is clear as water. You really should think about it -a little house in Provence. I know a small medical centre that will recruit by the end of the year." She didn't want to drop the subject.

"Alright, I'll think about it," I said without conviction. She didn't believe me, but I was happy to see her let it go.

We talked for about an hour about everything and nothing. Alice kept asking why I wanted to leave, but unfortunately for her, she never got an answer or at least the one she was hoping for.

Arriving home a little after midnight, I didn't have the energy to do anything. I literally jumped in my bed and fell asleep immediately.

When I came back from NY, I refused to sleep in my bed for days. After two weeks of waking up on the couch, my back sore, I decided that it was ridiculous. Yes, I had slept with Jasper in this room, but I had lived here more than a year before I even met him. My bedroom had plenty of other memories, with other men and women. I would not become an overly sentimental man. It was just a room for fuck's sake.

The first night I lay down back in my bed, I couldn't stop crying. I spent practically the entire night with my face wet from my endless tears. At one point, I finally fell asleep and it was over. I didn't see it as the place of our first time together anymore. It was just my bedroom.

My last day at work, I threw a little party. I normally didn't do that. I was always the guy who left without a goodbye or a second glance, but it was different this time. I spent more time here. I learned to love this place and my co-worker, some even became my friends.

I said my goodbyes, ate a piece of cake and was ready to go. They let me keep the apartment for two weeks, which was good because I had no idea where to go next. Italy was still an option, though it would be more for vacation than for work. I had saved a little money, but just enough to survive three months, tops.

I wanted to go see Jasper and try to make peace before I left, understand what happened. _Don't go down that road. He doesn't want__you. Why would__you__want him?_

I knew I couldn't see Jasper again, it would only complicate things. If I saw him again, I knew that I wouldn't be able to leave Paris, leave us. I could deny it as long as I wanted, but I hadn't forgotten Jasper. I didn't think I ever could.

My life was so fucked up. I had been stupid to think that going to my parents would solve everything. I knew now that if I wanted to fix my life, I had to do it by myself. No one was here to help me.

_We're born alone, we live alone,__we die alone._

Before I figured what to do next, I had two weeks left and nothing to do but enjoying Paris for the last time. Afterward, I could finally say goodbye to Paris… and Jasper.


	12. Chapter 12

_**JPOV**_

* * *

_I tentatively chased sleep, appeasing my mind by thinking that Carlisle would be here soon. He would know what to do. He always knew. _

_Forgive me, Edward._

* * *

I woke up the next day, in the afternoon, lying on my couch. I didn't know why I was there. Then a few seconds later, my mind remembered the only thing that could bring back my still sleepy memories: _Edward._

Did it really happen? Did I really treat Edward like he was nothing more than a sex toy, like I didn't care? The more I recalled last night's event, the more I felt sick. I was having these visions, weird visions. _Buried balls deep in Edward, it was heaven. I'd never felt so connected to another human being before. Bending down, I found Edward in a completely other state of mind. He wasn't aroused. I could see things clearly now. His hands held the bed so tightly; his steady breathing was just a mask. His whole body was tensed every time I thrust in him. _Why hadn't he said his safe-word? Had he been scared of me?

_My back to Edward and forehead pressed against the door, I stuck the knife in deeper. "You have to go… __**now**__... you have to leave, Edward. Don't try to call me. Don't come here again. Just leave me alone." _I was so scared that I pushed him could I have done this? After practically raping him, I threw him away without a single explanation or even an apology.

Once I comprehended the gravity of the situation, I ran to the bathroom and emptied my stomach. I couldn't face the truth. I couldn't face Edward, but I wanted so much to check on him to see if he was okay. _Of course he is not okay, how could he be?_ He must hate me. He would never want to see me again, and how could I blame him? I told him to leave me alone.

Crying more than ever, I lie back on the couch and buried myself under the blanket. For the first time in a long time, I prayed, not for me but for Edward. I wished that he was fine, that last night hadn't cause too much damage. I prayed that he would have a good life, even if it wasn't with me. He deserved it so much, he was so lost. _Please God, help him._

I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, it was dark outside. I checked my phone and saw a message from Carlisle, which told me that he landed in Orly and was on his way.

I quickly took a shower and cleaned up the apartment, leaving the bedroom untouched.

I was preparing myself a sandwich when someone banged on the front door. I put everything down and rapidly opened the door.

As soon as I saw Carlisle, my head bowed and I had a huge pang in my chest. _Don't cry, not now, not in front of him. _I could talk myself down all I wanted, but my body wouldn't shut down. Tears started to fall down my face. I had never been able to hold back anything with him.

Carlisle didn't move or do anything. He waited for me to calm down and have the courage to face him. He gave me time. I wanted him to be here. I needed it, but when I found myself in front of him, everything came back, all the guilt and the sadness I created. Everything was multiplied and thrown back in my face. It was all real now.

I couldn't stop crying. Small drops of pain crashed against the wooden floor until I finally had nothing left to shed. Gripping my jeans tightly, I took a deep breath and without drying my face, I looked at Carlisle.

Always full of patience, he smiled shyly at me. He was still handsome. Three years had only increased his beauty. He was casually dressed, black jeans and a beige hooded sweatshirt, but even in these cool clothes, Carlisle always emitted a certain authority and wisdom. _I could never be like that. _

"Jasper…" He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me into his arms.

Neither of us talked, words weren't necessary. I held him tightly for a minute, letting him comfort me.

Carlisle broke our embrace, but kept his hands on my forearms. "You look terrible." He took a second look at my body and added, "You're so skinny. Are you okay?"

I completely forgot that Carlisle didn't know about the cancer. Since the chemo, I had lost a lot of weight. In the beginning, I'd tried to do sports to compensate, but since I'd been sick half the time confined to bed, I'd quickly forgotten this solution. When I was done with chemo, I was just tired and lazy. I thought that I had been through enough that I'd deserved to rest. Nevertheless, I ate more and learned to appreciate a good meal.

I didn't answer his question. Instead, I silently guided him to the living room. I had to tell him what happened since I left New York, but I didn't want to do it on the front door.

We sat down on the couch and I looked at Carlisle, his eyes so full of compassion. I didn't deserve any of this. I broke down again, crying in earnest. My life had been a nightmare since the last time my eyes fell on his face. It was weird because it seemed as if it was yesterday, but at the same time, a million years ago. So much had happened so quickly.

I took deep breaths and focused on calming down. _It's Carlisle; there is no shame to have. He's here to help. _

More relaxed, I played with my fingers and fixed my gaze on the coffee table. I gathered all my will and started to confess. "When I landed in Paris, I had to do a check-up, since I left the hospital against the doctor's advice." There was a lump in my throat. I didn't know why but I was scared to talk to Carlisle. "During this check-up, they discovered something… I had cancer." I heard him gasp but I couldn't stop now. If I had, I knew I wouldn't have the courage to continue. "Liver cancer. I had chemotherapy sessions, and I am okay now. But it left some scars. I'm not the man I used to be.

"Everything that happened… sometimes, I wonder if I didn't deserve all of this. I was always so eager for life, never satisfied. Maybe I suffered all of those punishments because of what I've done… and now, I don't have anything left. My friends are all gone, I haven't spoken to my parents in years, and Edward… I've done and said some horrible things to him. I'd be surprised if he still wants to talk to me." All my feelings were resurfacing; my emotions couldn't be kept at bay. "I don't know how to get through this, Carlisle. I dug my own grave and I feel stuck in its depth." I was so ashamed to admit my failure to Carlisle. Nobody should see me so vulnerable.

Carlisle let me get it off my chest silently. When I finished, he raised my chin with his finger and our eyes met.

"Jasper, you have to stop this _now_. Yes, you've been through a lot, more than anyone, but there is no need to look for why it happened. It's a dead road, and nothing good can come up. You didn't do anything wrong. Right now, you have to focus on what you can solve. I can't say that it is going to be easy. It's just that you are headed in the wrong direction. You need to _stop_ the pity party. I know it sounds stupid and trivial but there _are _people in worse situations than yours. Focus on the good things, you are alive, you survived a horrible aggression _and_ a cancer. How many people do you think could say that?" Carlisle spoke in a very firm but gentle voice.

He waited for my answer. "Not many I guess." Suddenly, I was a little boy in front of his dad.

"That's right, only a few, so you have to stop. Another thing, you do understand why you are in this situation?" Not even waiting for an answer this time, he continued harshly, "It's because you let it happen. You put yourself exactly where you are. I am not saying that the attack or the cancer was your fault. I am saying that you are alone because you want to be." My chest was constricting under the weight of my emotions.

"I understand your desire to run away, but did you have to do it that way and for so long? You succeeded in shutting yourself out from everyone who could help you. Do you realize that? Do you realize the mistake you made in cutting yourself off from your parents, me or anyone?" Carlisle was getting angrier by the second.

I nodded and stared at the coffee table again.

"Good, now are you finally ready to heal, to let people in again?" He was suddenly calmed, but I knew it was just a facade. Carlisle always had an amazing control over his emotions.

I didn't reply; I didn't know what to say. Of course I wanted to be better and stop living under Alec's influence, but I was afraid of what people would think when they learned what happened to me. I couldn't bear the pity in their eyes. They wouldn't see anything other than the victim. It was already unbearable and oppressive to see it in Carlisle's eyes.

"Jasper, I know it's hard but you have to do it." He gently rested his hand on my knee, and I couldn't help but think about Edward. One touch from him made my heart pound wildly and my heart swell. He was always smiling and blushing in my presence. I missed him already. Even if the chances to be reunited with Edward were slim, I had to do it for him.

Not trusting my voice, I nodded.

"One last thing, you know that I'm not the answer to your problem. I promise to stay as long as you need, but I think it would be better if you go talk to someone more qualified." He seemed so concerned. How could he be so concerned when I had treated him so badly?

"I know, Carlisle." He wasn't the answer to everything, but his mere presence was such a relief. It meant that I wasn't alone, that somebody cared for me.

I put my hand above Carlisle's and squeezed it. It was just the beginning of a long road, but a thought kept bumping into my head, wasn't it too late? I had done terrible things to the people I loved, how could they forgive me? Most of all why would they?

Why would Edward forgive me?

* * *

The next morning, I woke up on the couch again. My head was spinning and my body was aching. There was a delicious smell in the air, and I could hear Carlisle in the kitchen. I had missed him so much. He had been my first real friend back in New York, guiding me through life but never pushing too hard. He was my mentor.

I dragged myself into the bathroom and took a quick shower. I didn't even think about taking care of my morning wood. There was going to be some time before I allowed myself sexual release. After everything that happened with Edward, sex was the last thing on my mind.

Fifteen minutes later, I was cleaned, shaved and ready to face Carlisle. Suddenly, I was nervous to face him and anxiously wandered what his thoughts would be in the light of the morning.

Entering the kitchen, I repressed a chuckle seeing a ridiculous amount of croissants and pains au chocolat on the table and Carlisle with a cup of coffee in one hand and "Le Monde" in the other.

Strangely, this situation seemed totally natural. Carlisle has always been a chameleon. He could be comfortable in the crowed restaurant on West Side or in a peaceful kitchen in the 15ème arrondissement of Paris.

"I guess you found the newsstand easily?" I asked, more relaxed.

Carlisle calmly took a sip of his coffee and answered, "Good morning to you, too, Jasper."

"Good morning, Carlisle." I approached and kissed his cheek. This simple gesture brought me back to our time together in New York. How many mornings did I wake up at his place, completely at ease, doing the same act? This was our relationship; besides our Master and sub relationship, we were also friends.

"You know you didn't have to buy all this food?" I said, grabbing a croissant. "By the way, is your French still good? Do you still take those classes, or are you like those lazy Americans who think that English is the only language you need?" I gently teased him.

"Détrompe-toi, mon ami. Mon français est parfait. Et puis, est-ce que j'ai déjà été paresseux depuis que tu me connais ?" He replied in a perfect French.

"You still need to work on your accent." Sitting next to him, I poured myself a cup of coffee.

It was nine a.m.; the sun broke through the window to create this amazing, peaceful atmosphere. We could hear a light traffic sound in the background, but it was mostly silent. The private park in the residence was visible through the little curtain.

Carlisle and I quietly ate our breakfast, reading the newspaper in turn. The situation was really weird. It felt like ages since I found myself eating with someone. Everything seemed surreal.

Sensing my increasing discomfort, Carlisle took my hand and said, "Calm down, Jasper. It's just me. I know it's been some time but I haven't changed. Learn to appreciate the moment. Have another croissant." He looked at me in the eyes, making sure I understood his point. After a few seconds, he squeezed my hand and refilled his cup.

I focused on breathing and enjoying the moment. I had nothing to be scared of. Carlisle wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

Finishing my croissant, I wondered what I was going to do today. Carlisle and I could go visit the Louvre, maybe Montmartre if he didn't want a museum.

My thoughts were interrupted by Carlisle's shy voice. "Do you have a doctor in Paris? Someone you can talk to?"

_Carlisle and I are definitely not reading from the same sheet of music._

I chuckled and tried to change the subject. "I was thinking; did you ever see the pyramid of the Louvre? You can't miss that, it's so original to have this kind of stuct-"

Carlisle violently smacked his hand on the table and firmly said, "Jasper, I'm not here for tourism. I am here to help you. So stop and answer my question."

I froze in my seat and bowed my head down. Carlisle brought me back to a reality I didn't want to face. He cleared his voice, indicating that he was waiting for my answer.

"N-No, I don't have a doctor." I was afraid. Carlisle only used this tone when I had misbehaved, and generally, it was followed by my punishment.

Carlisle let out a heavy sigh and raised my head with his finger. "Jasper, I'm not your Master anymore. We are friends, but it doesn't allow you to lack respect. When I ask you a question, I expect you to answer me. I'm only here to help you."

I forgot how to act with Carlisle. Our relationship used to be so simple. Maybe it was because, in New York, we were Master and sub before being friends, whereas now, we were just friends. I knew somewhere deep down that Carlisle would always have a special place in my heart. He was my first love, my first and only Master; this was not something I could forget.

_Don't forget Alec, whether you like it or not, he was your Master. You said it yourself that night. _

I shook my head and held back my tears. I would not break down again in front of Carlisle.

Desperate to distract myself from those thoughts, I suggested that I speak with my doctor at the Institute. He could give me some names.

* * *

The morning passed in a blur. After calling several names that my doctor recommended, one of them had a cancellation the next day. I had an appointment for one p.m. It was fast but I had no choice, apparently no doctor in Paris took new patients. I was "lucky" as the secretary emphasized.

Carlisle had been in the bedroom, talking on the phone for practically an hour. I was getting worried; I didn't want to cause him problems at work. He had practically dropped his life for me. There was no way I was adding this to my conscience. I would need to ask him.

Getting a little hungry, I decided to prepare a quick salade niçoise. Carlisle bought bread this morning so I just had to put the ingredients together.

Just as I was pouring olive oil in the bowl, Carlisle entered the kitchen.

"Do you need some help?" he asked, resting against the counter.

"No, thanks," I paused, hesitating. "Everything's fine in New York? You are not going to have any issues because you came here, right?" I demanded, looking at him.

After a few seconds, he unemotionally stated, "Don't worry about me, Jasper. I'm happy to see you, and that's all that matters. Everything else will have to wait until I come back." He was hiding something, but I knew better than to press.

"Do you want to eat? I made a salad," I said smiling as if it was a grandiose achievement.

While we were eating, I informed Carlisle of my appointment for the next day. He seemed pleased, giving me an appreciative nod and a small smile. Somehow, this small acknowledgement warmed my heart.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. We walked around the park a bit, watched a movie and before I realized it, I was lying on the couch ready to sleep. Thinking back on the day, I was happy with Carlisle's presence. Everything seemed easier when he was around.

_It can work, I'm already felling better. _But if everything was so great why wasn't I able to close my eyes and rest? Why couldn't I stop thinking about Edward and the desperation and sorrow in his eyes the last time I saw him?

I tossed and turned all night, unable to find sleep. Once the sun cast its first ray of light, I jumped off the couch and closed myself in the bathroom. Afraid to wake up Carlisle, I didn't take a shower. Sitting on the toilet seat, I lit a cigarette. It was the only thing that could calm me, or at least take my mind off things.

Shutting myself away was the only way to get some peace. I was safe locked in my small bathroom, nothing could happen to me here. I closed my eyes and tried to push the thoughts of Edward away. It was dragging me down. _Nothing can be done anymore. He left me._

The saddest part was that if I hadn't pushed him away, I was sure he would have forgiven me. If Edward had loved me enough to accept the stupid condition I put on our relationship, he would have loved me enough to forget my actions, and that was why I wasn't worth his love. How could he forgive me if I didn't forgive myself?

Soon, the bathroom became too small. I couldn't push the thoughts of Edward away. My head was spinning, and I had difficulty breathing. I needed fresh air, open space. Putting on my shoes and a light jacket, I was out of the apartment in thirty seconds.

Walking in the barely awake streets of Paris freed my mind: the cold air against my face, the people around me, and the constant noise in my ear. Everything worked its way through my raging thoughts and calmed me. Being in Paris for more than three years had helped me find its hidden secrets. The constant feeling of anonymity made me both love and hate Paris. Nobody knew what I'd been through here. Wandering in the street or sipping a café on a terrace, I was surrounded by strangers who didn't know anything about my life. It was the only place where I felt normal, but it was also the only place where I felt alone.

I came back to the apartment a little before Carlisle woke up. I didn't want him to worry, and since he was still jetlagged, he wouldn't be up too early.

I was about to pour myself a second cup of coffee when a cleaned and dressed Carlisle sat down at the table.

"Morning, Jasper. How long have you been up?" he said, quickly draining a glass of fresh orange juice.

Without looking at him, I answered, "Half an hour maybe, I wanted to pass by the boulangerie before you wake up." Even I could hear the lie in my voice, but if he noticed, Carlisle didn't say a thing.

"What time are you going to leave for your appointment?" His questions were said in a disturbing monotone voice.

"Probably noon. It's not far, but I'll need to take the bus. Since it's Paris, I have to leave early." Pouring us both a cup of coffee, I waited patiently for his next question.

"Would you like me to come with you? I'll stay in the waiting room." I noted a tiny touch of concern laced in his impassive voice.

"No, I'd rather not. I need to do this by myself. I'll leave you a spare key to the apartment if you want to go out and tour Paris." I didn't want Carlisle to be with me. It would only add more pressure to this already stressful situation. Carlisle nodded his understanding.

The rest of the morning passed quickly. After we finished eating, I took a shower and got ready while Carlisle cleaned up the kitchen.

I dressed simply in jeans and a sweatshirt. I gave Carlisle his key and made my way to the doctor's office.

I had no idea what would come out of this, but it was the only way if I wanted to get better. What else was I suppose to do? I couldn't confess my darkest thoughts to Carlisle, he would totally freak out and blame himself. I needed someone to talk to, but how could I confess to a complete stranger? I didn't trust her, and truth be told, I didn't trust anyone. That was the problem. _What the hell is going to happen in this office?_

* * *

_**Carlisle POV**_

Sitting on Jasper's couch, or should I say bed, I vainly tried to watch the television. My mind couldn't focus on anything but Jasper. He looked terrible; his face was registering the guilt of the catastrophes he had been through.

I had not been ready to face him, but when I got his call in New York and his cry for help, I couldn't say no. I owned him. What I didn't say to Jasper was that I hadn't been able to forgive myself for what happened to him. My mistakes destroyed his life, and seeing him in such distress only increased my guilt.

When I went see him at the hospital and they told me that he wasn't there anymore, my heart completely shattered. Everything was my fault. He was my sub and I was supposed to protect him. What kind of Master would let this happen?

My life had changed irrevocably that night; almost as much as Jasper's. I was not a Master after that night. I was not a man.

The key fumbling in the door interrupted my thoughts. I stood up and anxiously waited for Jasper to come in. I was both eager and reluctant to know how the appointment went.

I was surprised to find Jasper with red, swollen eyes. Why did he cry? Did he talk with the doctor? The second he saw me, tears rolled down his face. Maybe he relived the rape. I couldn't decide if it was a good or bad sign.

I didn't have time to ask him anything. He practically ran and locked himself into his bedroom, which was weird since I had never seen him enter his room since I was here.

While I waited for him to calm down, I thought about which way I should approach him. In this moment, Jasper needed someone he could rely on, but also guide him. Putting on my Master mask, I slowly approached his bedroom and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I leaned against the door and resigned myself to wait for him to make a move. He had to willingly come to me.

A couple of minutes later, I was thinking about making coffee when I heard Jasper unlock the door. I took a deep breath and my hand trembled slightly on the handle. _Pull yourself together, Carlisle. You can do this. _It had been so long since I had this kind of power over someone. I was terrified of making things worse.

Opening the door, I saw Jasper sitting on the floor, his arms around his legs. He looked so broken. A pang smashed my heart violently, but as soon as it came, I was able to refrain it. I had to be brave for Jasper. He needed me, the strong, impassive Carlisle.

"Jasper," I breathed out. "What happened?" I waited at the door, afraid to move.

Shaking his head, he answered, "No, no, no, NON… I can't, Carlisle. I can't remember."

I took a couple steps and kneeled in front of him. "Calm down, Jasper. I don't want you to do anything, but can I come closer?" My voice was pure calm.

When Jasper became my sub, I quickly understood that he needed physical contact to be able to organize his mind and stay calm. We'd established a "talking session" once a week in order to discuss unfettered, freely. It was in those moments, loosely wrapped in my arm, that Jasper completely gave himself to me.

Jasper's head rose at my question and our eyes met. His stare nearly took my breath away. I barely recognized him; he was so different from the Jasper I knew. He was carrying a heavy burden and yet I saw a glimpse of hope in his eyes when he told me that I could approach.

I slowly moved to sit next to him at the foot of the bed and put my arm around his shoulders. Just like old times, he melted into my embrace, practically climbing onto my lap. Holding him close, I heard him crying softly.

A couple of minutes passed and millions of questions ran through my mind. When a dry sob escaped his mouth, I pulled back a little and decided that I had to initiate the talk.

"Jasper, what happened at the doctor's office?" I whispered my head buried in his hair.

"She wanted to know about _that_ night in New York, about the dreams I have." He started to tremble. "But I can't. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember his kisses on my back or the feeling of his skin against mine. If I open that door, it might never close off again… I don't want to. He might be dead, but not in my mind. I can still feel him, all the time prowling and waiting. I am _**his**_,and he'll never let me forget that."

I tightened my grip around him and rubbed his back while I heard him shed his tears.

It was a necessity for Jasper to talk to someone, release the pressure. I was convinced that he needed to take everything off his chest in order to move on. If he couldn't do it with a doctor, maybe he could with me. _But do I have the strength of mind to listen to this, relive this terrible moment of my life?_ For Jasper, there was no doubt.

If I wanted Jasper to open up, we had to go back to the catalyst, the one person that had made him feel again.

"Tell me, Jasper. How did you met, _Edward_?"

Little translation for those who don't speak French.

"Détrompe-toi, mon ami. Mon français est parfait. Et puis, est-ce que j'ai déjà été paresseux depuis que tu me connais ?" _You're wrong, my friend. My French is perfect. Plus, have I ever been lazy since you know me?_


	13. Chapter 13

**CPOV**

_If I wanted Jasper to open up, we had to go back to the catalyst, the one person that had made him feel again._

"_Tell me, Jasper. How did you meet Edward?"_

* * *

For the next forty-five minutes, Jasper told me about Edward: how he first saw him at the Institute and the pining and longing he immediately felt, how they first met one night at a club, and how was their first night together. Despite those happy memories, he also described his struggle with his own feelings. It was clear that Jasper was falling for Edward, but he didn't know how to handle his emotions. I got the impression that he didn't know how to love anymore.

Everything would have been easier if he hadn't mixed bondage with his loving thoughts. Jasper was way too messed up for this kind of relationship.

"What happened the night you called me?" I asked, rubbing his back.

"Carlisle, you have to know that as time passed, my lust for Edward changed… into something else. He was more than my sub… I'm not even sure he was my sub at some point." Jasper stopped for a few seconds and I tightened my hold around him, urging him to go on. "I wanted to prove to myself and to Edward that it was nothing more, that it was just sexual, but everything went wrong. I completely lost it that night. The second he touched me, I was so focused on not showing my emotions and not breaking down, that I forgot about him." His voice trembled at the end and he buried his face further into my shoulder.

"His hands were gripped the feet of the bed so tightly..." Taking a deep breath, Jasper continued, "When I understood his pain, I immediately stopped, but it was too late. I hurt him. Visions of me in that same position, with the same feeling of helplessness kept popping into my head. Why did I do this to him? He'd _never_ done anything to justify this. He just wanted to be with me." By the time he finished, Jasper was crying in earnest.

I didn't know what to do. What could I say to make him feel better? I was not in a position to analyse the situation without bias. Did Jasper act like that because of his rape or his lack of abilities in being a Master? As his first Master, I hoped that our sessions taught him not to act like that, but how could I know? It was beyond my competence. I felt completely useless; my sub was asking for help that I could not provide. Dealing with assault and rape was out of my league, but Jasper was looking for answers, and I was his friend. I had to be there for him and do my best to guide him with the little knowledge I had.

"I don't know why you did what you did, Jasper. All I know is that you shouldn't have. You can't be Edward's Master. I already told you this, but you are not in the correct state of mind to take a sub. I can't even believe that it crossed your mind. A submissive needs strength, authority and most important, he needs someone he can trust and rely on. Do you really think that you can provide that right now?" I asked, stopping. My words were harsh, but Jasper needed it.

His face still in my neck, he said, "I understand, Carlisle, but the pull I felt toward him was too strong to be ignored." His crying ceased but Jasper was still breathing heavily.

"I'm not saying that your feelings were wrong. I'm saying that you can't be in a BDSM relationship right now. Why haven't you tried to date him?" I rested my hand on his lower back and traced small circles.

"Because it's all I know. I've never been in a normal relationship, aside from a few passing fancies when I was a kid. I don't know how to act differently," Jasper said, "Plus, he wanted it too," he defended. I could feel how he was more relaxed; he was playing with a button on my shirt.

A few minutes passed, and I knew it was time to ask harder questions.

"How was your first night together?" At this question, he looked up, meeting my eyes. There was a certain vulnerability and sensitivity in his eyes that took my breath away.

"At the beginning, everything was… perfect. We talked and defined the rules. I felt normal with him, totally in line with our mutual desire. I brought him to the edge, tested him to see his limits. But during all our time together, this nagging thought kept spoiling my mood. I had to let him fuck me." I raised a questioning eyebrow, he understood my silent question. "I know I didn't _have to_ but… he's practically never been fucked and… I don't know, maybe a small part of me wanted to know if I could." Jasper's sentences became uncertain and hesitant. _We are hitting the main problem._

The simple fact that he went to Edward that night in the street proved that he had the will to get better, to get out of his shell. Jasper's words were only confirming that Edward was an important key to Jasper's salvation. I had to push him toward him, help him get through their issues and guide him to recovery. The only problem was Edward. Would he help Jasper? _Maybe if I-_

Jasper took me out of my thoughts, saying, "But when it actually happened. When he was inside me, Alec was there. I remembered scrappy scenes of _that_ night. It was unbearable. Everything came back to me and I wanted to run away, push Edward away and never look back. I endured the scene, trapped between Alec's ghost and Edward's pleasure. In the end, my mind wasn't there anymore. Time stood still… the only thing my eyes saw was Alec flogging me, penetrating me, kissing me while I was crying, begging him to stop and fighting him." A sob escaped his mouth but he continued regardless. "When Edward came, it was a delivery and I could not fly out of the room faster. After that, I didn't speak to him for days." Jasper broke our eye contact and stared at the floor.

I let the meaning of his words flood my head for a couple of minutes before asking him slowly, "You know what happen to Alec, right?"

"I read all of your mail," he said simply.

"So you know that you don't have to worry about him anymore. I took care of him." My voice sounded so fragile when I spoke, but it wasn't a surprise. I could never forget about it. How could I? It would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

I had been so devastated when Jasper left New York. Guilt had been eating me alive. After I took an unpaid leave, I completely withdrew myself from my life. I was leaving for one reason: kill that son of a bitch responsible for all of this misery.

My hatred had blinded me. Once it was done, I realized the consequence of my actions. I took another man's life, and even if he deserved it, I had no right. Several times, my conscience pushed me to turn myself in, but I had never been able to see it through.

Needless to say, I completely stopped taking part in the BDSM world. After Jasper's rape, I couldn't consider myself a Master anymore and hadn't since then.

My life had been nonexistent until I met Charlie. He saved me. We met on a strange night in Soho. I was out for food supplies when, out of nowhere, this cop started to pointed his gun in my face. He had been called for a robbery in a mini-market close by, and when he saw me rushing back to my apartment, he confused me with the thief. As soon as he realized his mistake, Charlie was so embarrassed that he invited me to dinner.

One thing leading to another and Charlie soon became my confidant and friend. He was the only support in my chaotic life. Work distracted me long enough during daylight, but when the shadows came back, Charlie was the one who kept me alive. He helped me so much through those years that it felt only natural when our relationship turned into a deep love.

Sometimes, I thought back to the time when I was a Master. The power and the control: it was intoxicating. I often wanted to ask Charlie if he was interested, but fear always dissuaded me. I hoped that in the future, I would find the courage.

Minutes passed, and soon I heard soft snores coming from Jasper. Helping him stand up, I guided him to the bed and quickly took his shoes and clothes off, leaving his boxer shorts on. When I was about to retreat to the guest room, he grabbed my arm and mumbled few unintelligible words, but I distinctly understood the word "stay".

Without answering, I went to the bathroom, cleaned up a bit and brushed my teeth. When I entered the bedroom, Jasper was spread out, face down in the middle of the bed. I repressed a chuckle and turned him to his side. Pulling down the sheets, I slid into bed and lay on my back, immediately relaxed.

Right when I was about to fall asleep thinking about Charlie, Jasper reached out and took my hand in his. I waited a few seconds to see if he was awake, but if he was, he didn't say anything.

I intertwined our fingers and squeezed his hand. I missed my friend.

* * *

_**JPOV**_

Tossing and turning all night, I dreamt about Alec and _that_ night. My nightmare was so vivid, showing me things I didn't even remember, like his kindness in the beginning. He welcomed me gently, showing me around, explaining what was going to happen and what he was expecting from me. Everything was normal at first, but at one point, his attitude shifted. Alec became more aggressive in his movements. I should have understood, but I was naïve and trusted practically everyone. At the time, I'd just thought that it was normal. Carlisle had been my only Master; people surely acted differently and I was eager to discover new things.

My buried memories slowly came back to me. I remembered telling Alec that penetration was a hard limit. Not that I didn't like it; I just wanted to keep it for special occasion with my sub or with Carlisle. It was something I gave as a reward, and Alec took it from me. He took everything.

I shook my head and pushed the sheets away. Carlisle wasn't in the bed. It had been so comforting to sleep with him last night. Talking to him was hard, but it felt good and I trusted him, unlike my doctor. The second I had sat in her chair, she started to bombard me with questions. She made me ill at ease.

When I didn't answer her question about New York, she interpreted my silence as a repressed traumatism and began to talk about indecent assault and rape victims. It was just too much. Thankfully, I succeeded in getting out of her office before my first tears ran down my face.

After a quick shower, I looked for Carlisle, but he wasn't there. While I was making coffee, I called him on his cell. Maybe he was out for breakfast, because it reached his voicemail automatically.

When I finished my breakfast, I was getting worried. It was not like him to leave like that, but I had no idea where he could be.

A little after two p.m., I was sitting on the couch, thinking about Carlisle and how I would feel if he was the one who had run away. _It's stupid, Carlisle would never do something like that._ He always faced his problems, which explained this sort of peacefulness and serenity that surrounded him.

The front door opened, and Carlisle stepped into the living room. I immediately saw that there was something different about him. His shoulders were a little low and his eyes wide open.

"Where were you? I was worried." I asked, facing him.

Defensively, he pointed his finger at me and said, "_You_ don't get to be worried, Jasper. Not after what you've done."

I flinched with his unexpected words. Was he upset? What had I done? I approached him and rested my hand on his shoulder. "What happened this morning?"

He stared at me for a few seconds before shoving my hand away. "Nothing happened this morning. You know that you don't know anything about me anymore. Why can't you see it? Why can't you understand that everything that happened was because of _me_, because I let Alec do this to you? Killing him didn't make it better, it didn't make the guilt and remorse go away," he said.

Carlisle turned around and went looking for a cigarette. He lit one and opened the window.

"When you left, I was devastated. It was only recently that I began to feel better. And even now, I still have off days when I can't stand to be around anyone. I'm consumed by my guilt… it's my life, and I learn to accept it. You have to do the same. You can't change the past. Jasper, you have to let go." His voice was soft, but I knew he was tense.

"I can't. I don't remember that night and what I remember terrifies me." I said, sitting on the back of the couch.

We were both silent for a couple of minutes before Carlisle said softly, "It was horrible last night. You kept having these dreams, refusing to wake up. I couldn't bear it, so I just went out for a walk… I'm sorry, Jasper. I'm so sorry. I should have known what he would do. I didn't think." His whisper was absorbed by the sob that broke out of his mouth.

I didn't know what to say. Of course it wasn't his fault. No one could have known that Alec would do that, but somehow I was unable to comfort him, at least not with words. I just moved closer and put my arms around him, his back to my chest.

We didn't do anything, both lost in our own prison, completely broken. I had never hated Alec more.

* * *

A few weeks passed, and Carlisle and I put in place a well-oiled routine.

Every morning I woke up in _my_ bedroom, took a shower, put on some clothes and joined Carlisle for breakfast. Sometimes we would eat out, but we mostly ate in the apartment.

After that, the period between breakfast and lunch was devoted to "make up for lost time", as Carlisle said. We would talk about everything and nothing, just shallow topics.

In the afternoon, we would either walk around Paris or hang out at the apartment. Those were my favorite moments. It was so normal. We were just two friends enjoying Paris.

When the evening arrived, it was _my_ time. We spoke about the tough subjects. I would tell him about the things I remembered about _that_ night with Alec, or about the cancer and how I felt about it, always scared that it would come back. The hardest part about our talks was, of course, Edward. I told him about my doubts and fears of love, my deepest regrets and my secret hope of a future together. We told each other everything.

As the days passed, I felt better. I opened up to Carlisle and it felt so good. He didn't judge me or think less of me. He was just Carlisle.

One day, about ten weeks after he arrived, Carlisle announced to me that he had to go back to New York, to go back to work. I didn't know how to react. When I shared my feelings of abandonment with him, he told me that I wasn't alone.

"What do you mean "I'm not alone"?" I asked him.

"You are not alone, Jasper. You have Edward." I started to shake my head, but he stopped me with his eyes and continued, "Whether you believe it or not, I think that he loves you. And this instant pull you felt with him can't be ignored."

"Carlisle, after the way I treated him, I'm _sure_ he doesn't want to have to deal with me or my problems," I replied.

"Why don't you let Edward decide what he wants?" he said, his eyes focused on mine. "You don't have to be scared. If you're sure about what you're saying, why don't you come back to New York with me? You don't have anything that holds you back in Paris anymore, right?" He arched his eyebrow.

I knew what he was doing, and he was right. I didn't want to leave Paris, knowing that this was where Edward lived. I couldn't forget my feeling for him. I had to go talk to him and apologize. Maybe he would forgive me and maybe… _Don't go down that road, Jasper._ At the very least, I had to tell him the truth. I had to try for Carlisle, for Edward and for me. If it ended badly, I could leave Paris and go back to New York with Carlisle.

"You're right, Carlisle. Can you come and talk to him with me? I don't think I can do this without you."


	14. Chapter 14

_**EPOV**_

"No, I have ten days left in Paris. After, I don't know, maybe Italy," I said to my mother.

A sort of routine had been established between us. Every two days or so, we talked on the phone and tried to reconnect. The first time I called was the hardest. It took me two weeks after I left New York to actually dial her number. I didn't know where to start. Our life had drifted apart a long time ago and not even our common blood could erase those lost years. We were strangers, and it was my fault, so I swallowed my pride and picked up my phone.

"How long are you planning to stay there?" my mother asked.

"I'm not sure. Probably a month or two. Nothing is decided yet," I answered.

After an awkward pause, I said, "How's Rosie?" I still couldn't get used to the idea of having a baby sister but it was kind of nice to be a big brother. I wanted to be a part of her life, to get to know this little girl better.

"She's fine. School's almost over. She's going to leave in a couple of weeks with Aunt Maria for a one-week trip to London. My sister's thinking about moving in to England. No need to tell you that Rose can't stop talking about it. Right, sweetie?" I could hear the faint voice of my mom telling Rosalie, "Come say hello to Edward. Tell him about your trip to London."

A few seconds passed until I heard a timid hello on the other line. Despite the physical distance between us, I could easily picture her sweet face pressed against the big phone.

"Hey, sweetie. So, Mom told me about the big trip. Are you excited? Is this the first time you've been?" I asked her in this little voice I used only when I talked to children.

"I'm very happy, this is my first trip. London is so amazing. There are these huge parks where we can eat and play, and a museum with giant dinosaurs, and…" She kept on for fifteen minutes, describing the city as if she'd already visited it.

She was so excited and enthusiastic about it that it made a little sad. I couldn't remember the last time I had been passionate or eager to discover a new country. Of course, I was happy to live in Paris, but I had been traveling for so long and seen so many towns that now I was indifferent to practically everything. Things were easier when I was younger. At barely 26, I had seen too much and lost my zest for life. What an irony!

"Auntie said that we will go to the London eye," Rosalie said, "It's a wheel. Have you seen it before? It's huge. I can't wait t-"

"Rosalie, don't bother Edward. He probably has other things to do," my father's voice was so hard. A sharp pinch shot through my chest.

"But Daddy, he asked me to-"

"Give the phone back to your mother and come play with me outside," his voice was softer but still firm. I could picture him taking Rosalie's hand and playing on the swing with her like we used to.

Rosalie said a quick goodbye and the phone was back in my mother's hands.

She let out a sigh and asked in a small voice, "When are you coming home again?" I wondered if her whisper was due to the weight of her emotions or because she didn't want my dad to hear.

"It depends. Did _he_ want to see me again?" I said, my tone suddenly filled with unjustified bitterness.

A long silence followed before my mother talked again, "Edward, I'm trying here, but nothing is working. When I say your name, your father just leaves the room and goes to play with Rosalie… At least, that brought them closer," she said as if it was wonderful news. How could she not understand that it only added to my guilt? I was happy that my father and Rosalie were close, but I didn't want it to be at my expense.

"So what's the solution? Am I going to be able to come back home one day?" I tried to resign myself to my fate. It wasn't my parent's fault, they didn't deserve this treatment, but the more I thought about it, the more I was angry.

"Edward, you can come back whenever you want. In fact, I shouldn't have let you go last time. I should have locked both of you in the same room and lost the key until you solved this problem. You are both so stubborn sometimes. Your father doesn't want to listen to me anymore. Sweetheart, only you can solve this. I think you need to come and confront him, explain yourself. We have to put this behind us." My mother was right. I wanted to have my family in my life again.

"Plus, now that I know where you live, you are not going away this time. I will track you all the way down to France or Italy or anywhere," she said, tense. There was a short pause before she let out a loud laugh to lighten the mood, but she couldn't fool me. I knew she had been more affected by those years apart that she let show.

The mere thought about facing my father and justifying myself for my past actions terrified me. I had absolutely nothing to prove that could appease the wound. The truth was, it couldn't be justified. I had made a mistake. I should have never left the way I did, or at least I should have called, kept in touch.

With hindsight, I realized that my main problem in life was my lack of communication. I'd never really opened up to anyone, my mother, my father, my friends, not even Jasper. I'd never expressed my feelings, and how couldn't they solve a problem that they weren't aware of?

"Mom, I need to think about it. We'll talk about it next time. Give Rosie a kiss for me," I said.

"Okay, I'll talk to you in a couple of days. I love you, Edward, and your fath-" I hang up before hearing more. She was too sweet for her own good. I didn't want to hear things that weren't true.

_**JPOV**_

I woke thinking: _Today is _the_ day. I'm going to see Edward today. I have to talk to him, tell him about me and my past. This is the least I can do. _

Of course, yesterday and the day before were also _the_ day. Every time I thought it was okay, my courage only carried me to the doorstep before I chickened out and ran back into the apartment. Carlisle didn't want to push me but I could see the disappointment growing in his face.

"You don't need to rush it, Jasper," he said, "but do you back down because you're not prepared to face Edward and you need more time, or because you're simply a coward?" He asked me, leaning against the frame of my kitchen door.

As usual, he was right, but I couldn't admit it. I was scared to see Edward. I didn't want to see the sadness and sorrow _I_ put in his eyes. Each time I thought about him, the guilt was so predominant in my mind it was unbearable. Seeing him in person, I had no chance.

"I'm not ready yet," I answered Carlisle in a firm tone, while escaping to my bedroom, ashamed.

I couldn't keep this up. My cowardice was starting to get really embarrassing. I was feeling better now that Carlisle was here but my heart couldn't stand his disappointment. I had to be strong for him. He sacrificed so much for me. He was the kind of person who pushed me to act better, encouraging me. Subconsciously or not, his force proved to me that life was worth living. Carlisle was a good man, the golden ticket. Charlie was definitely a lucky man.

Jumping in my bed, I threw the blanket over my head and replayed the list of all the things I wanted to discuss with Edward. When I was midway, Carlisle lightly knocked on the door and came in without waiting for an answer.

"Oh God, Jasper. Don't you think you're overreacting here?" He said in a chuckle, pulling at the sheets. "I think it's time for us to go see Edward. I'm leaving in four days, you're running out of time." He paused, giving me time to answer him but instead, I lifted my arm and covered my eyes. "Do you need me to drag you all the way to his apartment? You know I will, but it would seem a little childish, you know." My face blushed, but I didn't move.

"Where did you leave your balls, Whitlock?" he said, annoyed. "I thought you wanted to be with Edward. How could you call yourself his "Master"? You're afraid to see him! Didn't you learn anything from me?" Carlisle shook his head and sat at the edge of the bed.

"You need to pull yourself together, Jasper," he continued, "because I can't do this for you. I can come with you, hold your hand in support, but in the end, _you_ are the one who has to talk, who has to act. Don't you think he deserves to know the truth? I think it will be good for you. Who cares how he'll react? It doesn't matter. If things end badly, you always have another solution. Charlie and I will take you under our wings. You need to remember that you are not alone," he was holding my hand tight.

Everything was so complicated. My head tried to rationalize by telling me that I shouldn't be scared, but my heart was pounding heavily just to the thought of Edward. _I'm so screwed_.

Carlisle left the room and waited outside while I cleaned up a bit. Watching me in the mirror, I hardly recognized myself. I had changed so much in the last few years. _Thanks to the cancer_. My face looked older, but I was definitely not wiser. It was time to man up. Telling my story to Edward had to be done in order to move on. I postponed it too many times, it had to be now.

* * *

Carlisle and I were heading to the 5ème arrondissement. It was the end of the afternoon, Edward would probably be home. Unfortunately, a transport strike caused most of the subway lines to be closed and getting a cab in Paris at five p.m. was simply impossible. So we walked for more than two hours before we got to Edward's street. Needless to say, my resolution wavered during the route. Thankfully, Carlisle was here to put me on the right path every time.

We finally arrived at Edward's apartment a little after seven. Carlisle was supposed to wait for me at the brasserie on the corner of the street.

Before I buzzed Edward, I turned to face Carlisle.

"Thank you for everything you've done. I hope it didn't cause you any problems with your work, or Charlie, or anything. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life," my voice trembled with the last sentence.

We hugged for a few seconds before Carlisle replied, "It was my pleasure, Jasper."

Our eyes connected and I tried to blink back my tears, but a few still rolled down my cheeks. I quickly dried them with my sleeves and looked back at Carlisle, smiling.

"How do I look?" I asked him.

He stared at me for a few seconds and said, "Ready." He bent down and kissed my forehead.

I watched Carlisle disappear into the night, and rang Edward's intercom.

"Bonsoir, c'est le second immeuble derrière le jardin, cinquième étage. Merci," he said in a piping voice.

I was a little startled hearing him speak French. I kept forgetting it. It was so sexy, my dick immediately reacted to its call. _This is going to be a hard night._ Shaking my head, I quickly went inside and made my way to his apartment.

When I was at his door, my anxiety rose exponentially. I started to tremble, my hands were slightly sweating and my heart was beating so fast I could barely hear anything else.

Without knocking, Edward's footsteps approached the front door and he opened it slowly. Before I even took a glance at him, I already wanted to run away. _I__'__m not ready for this_. My legs refused to work. My own body was telling me that I had to stop and face Edward.

The second the door was opened wide, I saw Edward's face drained from all its blood.

I barely had time to open my mouth to speak before he violently shut the door. He was livid.

_**EPOV**_

Leaning against the door, I buried my face in my hands. What the fuck was Jasper doing here? I was not expecting to see him. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him. I had thought about it but I was totally unprepared to have him on my front door while I was waiting the pizza delivery man. _And I__'__m certainly not dressed for this!_

"What are you doing here?" I asked through the door.

"I want to see you," Jasper honestly answered.

"Why? You told me that I had to leave you alone," I harshly answered.

"I need to talk to you," he said.

"Why would I let you? You threw me out of your life and never checked to see if I was okay. I'm leaving Paris. I'm putting this whole story behind me," I took a deep breath and added, "You said that I wasn't good for you. What could have possibly changed in the past months?" I needed answers, afraid of the rising hope inside me.

"I got help, Edward. Someone has been helping me. I'm sick of being like this. Let me try to explain. Please." He was begging and while I felt a profound resentment toward him, he was still Jasper. I opened the door partway and went to sit in the living room.

Jasper followed me and took a place on the couch in front of me. I used this time to study him. Dressed in black jeans and a blue shirt, he was beautiful, maybe even more than in my memories.

"First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my behaviour. You have no idea how much I regret our last night together. I don't understand how it happened. Never in my life had something like that occurred. I think that starting a relationship with you at that point of my life was a mistake." I broke our stare and looked at the ground, my ache clearly visible. I already knew it but his words hurt. _He really never loved me._

He paused and took deep breaths. I could see that it was hard for him to tell me this, but by coming to my apartment unannounced to talk about why our meeting was a _mistake_, he couldn't expect me to be all cheered up and ready to comfort him.

"You have to know Edward. I _am_ broken," Jasper continued. "Before I met you, nothing in my life was worth fighting for. Terrible things happened to me, and the cancer part isn't the worst. Something happened back in New York. Five years ago, I arrived in New York, full of hopes and dreams. I didn't know myself very well at the time. A friend of mine, Carlisle, introduced me the BDSM lifestyle, he said he saw the potential in me. He became my Master and trained me to be his sub, but with time, he also became my "teacher".

"Bit by bit, I grew up as a Dom until eventually, I barely had sessions with Carlisle anymore. Our relationship had merged into a grand friendship. He was my Master and my mentor, but also my closest friend. So when I decided that it was time to come back to France, he organized a session with another Master," his voice had progressively shutting down until it was just a small murmur.

The mention of Carlisle nearly made me stop everything. It was Carlisle who helped him all this time. Jasper had called _him_ and cried for _his_ help. He loved him. So what did he want tonight? Clear his conscious before getting back to his sugar daddy? And what was he talking about "terrible things"? Cancer is already a big deal, what could possibly be worse? My mind simply refused to think about the obvious. I couldn't.

A minute passed and he started talking again, "I was pretty anxious that night. It was practically the first time I was having a session with someone other than Carlisle. Of course, I knew the guy. He was correct, always nice with me. Now, I know it was all an act. _Alec_ was not nice," the way he said his name stopped my heart.

"H-He… He raped me." I almost didn't hear Jasper talking. His head was bowed, concentrating on his hands. I had to replay his words in my head to understand their meaning, but my brain went blank. It refused to acknowledge Jasper's statement, and how could it? Just thinking about someone hurting and _abusing_ Jasper seemed impossible.

I looked at him for a long time, my mouth opened in shock but it shouldn't be a surprise. I had thought about this possibility before. It explained his behaviour and reactions, but it had just been theories and suspicion. Not in a million years would I have believed it was the truth.

"What happened?" I asked, not sure if I should wait for an answer.

"You don't want to know," Jasper said, shaking his head. "_I_ don't even want to know. I don't remember much. Just scraps of memories, but that is already too much," his voice was full of bitterness. I briefly wondered if my heart would survive the consequences of his words.

"Lately…" he continued, "small things came back, when I was with you… intimately. This is why I didn't want to get involved. I thought that by having a strict sexual relationship with you, I would be able to keep Alec out of my head. Unfortunately, I was wrong. That's why I ran away from you that night at La flèche d'or. Every time I touched you, or kissed you, or fucked you, _he_ was there, claiming me, reminding me," he said with eyes full of unshed tears.

The thought that Jasper went through this made my stomach churn, I felt sick. All these times we were together, that explained everything. Jasper always blew hot and cold. Sometimes he was caring and sweet to the point where I'd almost believed he wished for a deeper relationship; and suddenly, he was distant, absent or like in our last time, aggressive.

The situation was unbearable. I couldn't stay and hear him destroy everything. I stood up and went on the balcony, desperate for fresh air. This was a nightmare. I'd thought I'd made Jasper happy, but instead I only dug up his rapist and made him suffer.

The cool air refreshed my mind. It cleared my thoughts, leaving a single question: why was Jasper here? I didn't understand his purpose in coming here.

He joined me outside facing me in the same position we were in months ago.

"Edward, my life was a mess. It's still is, but I want to be better. Our last sess-night together was a disaster. I tried to prove to myself that you were nothing more than my sub, but it was too intense. I got carried away and forgot about you," Jasper said and added in disgust, "God, I practically raped you. I'm just like Alec. I'm not worthy of your affection." He turned around, facing the park.

What was I supposed to do, now? Jasper basically told me that all our relationship was a huge mistake because it reopened the wound of his past. How and why would I comfort him? Because in spite of everything, I still had feelings for him. Plus he tried, not in the most successful and subtle way, but he was here.

I approached him slowly and hugged him from behind, sliding my arms around his waist. After an initial tension, he melted in my embrace and let out a heavy sigh. He slowly rested his hands on my forearms.

We stayed in this position for a few moments. Jasper was relaxing minutely. Regardless of the fact that it was a little weird to have him in my arms, I felt good. Since the first time I met him, I always was peaceful with him. He calmed me.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you, Edward. Can you forgive me? I don't want to lose you," Jasper said calmly, still facing the night.

His words boosted my rising hope. A hope I didn't dare to formulate. Maybe he came here tonight to save our relationship. Maybe he "got help" because he wanted to be better for me, for us.

I didn't want to get myself worked up over nothing, so I tightened my grip around him and asked in a whisper, "Why are you here, Jasper?"

Still in my arm, he turned, putting his hands on my torso and said, "I wanted you to see if we could have a real chance."

My heart was beating madly. Did I really hear what he was just saying or was it my imagination? There was only one way to find out. I leaned forward and gently brushed my lips against his. Jasper moaned in answer.

Everything that happened after that was in a blur. Jasper deepened the kiss, pushing me against the wall. His hands travelled down my body, touching me anywhere he could reach. His kisses were intoxicating. I couldn't get deep enough. I needed more. My hands gripped his arms tightly and I crushed our bodies together. My tongue was thrusting in his mouth with force.

Our movement were rushed and before I even realized, we were in the bedroom. Jasper was on top of me, pinning me down to the bed. He was sucking on the sensitive spot below my ear while slowly rubbing against my thigh. His jeans created a perfect friction with my erect cock.

"Oh God, Jasper. This feels so good." My left hand grabbed his ass, guiding him to a satisfied rhythm. "Harder," I screamed and loudly groaned.

It was wild. I completely gave in to my instincts and didn't think about anything. I didn't take my time to memorize the detail of his scent or the feeling of his skin against mine. There was no thinking at this moment, only pleasure.

After leaving his mark on my neck, Jasper pushed my shirt up and started teasing my nipples. I pushed him off and took my shirt off. Once the thin barrier was gone, he pushed me back down and grabbed my hands, holding them over my head with his hand. He then resumed his assault on my hard nipples.

At first, he sucked gently, creating a delicious torture, but after a few minutes, his nibbling turned into biting the overly sensitive area. I tried to gently push him away, but he wouldn't move. So, I gave up. Besides, the hurt wasn't that bad compared to the ardent desire inside me. If anything, it only increased my need.

Suddenly, something snapped in me. I realized I couldn't move. My hands were confined above my head and my body trapped by Jasper's weight. Pictures of the same situation bombarded my mind. This feeling of helplessness and insecurity wasn't new. I had felt it the last time I was with Jasper, trapped at the foot of the bed, forced to endure his attack.

This time, I didn't have to. He was hurting me, why would I let him do it? I didn't enjoy it, I hadn't enjoyed it. He used me and treated me like shit afterward. I would not let him do it again.

I pushed him against his hand with more force, but he still didn't notice me, thinking I enjoyed it. I arched my back, but he just straddled me and put his full weight on my hips. My heart was picking up, I started to get scared.

"Jasper, stop!" I finally said, "Get off me, now."

He immediately stopped and looked at me, breathless. "What's going on, Edward?" he asked, concerned but still making no attempt to move off me.

"Please move," my voice was unsteady and just above the whisper.

Jasper practically jumped off my lap as if he hadn't realized he was still straddling me.

"Oh my god, Edward, I'm sorry. I don't know what just happened," he said on his knees, watching me get up. I needed to put distance between us. I exited the room and headed to the bathroom. Jasper tried to follow me but I stopped him in the middle of his haste.

"I need to be alone, now. Give me a couple of minutes," I said and shut the bathroom's door.

Leaning on the sink, I pushed myself up and looked in the mirror. I was terrified. Images of Jasper in me, moving and taking his pleasure with my numb body passed through my mind. I remembered the horrible feeling of his dick forcing its way inside me, hurting me. With every thrust, Jasper fucked away a bit of my love and faith. The question was: did he leave enough for me to forgive him?

After putting water on my face, I opened the door to find Jasper, still at the same place I left him, his knees against his chest, rocking back and forth.

"Jasper, are you okay?" I asked, slowly approaching him.

"Stay away from me!" He yelled.

My eyes widened in surprise but I froze in place and said, "Okay, I'll stay here. It's okay?"

Jasper didn't answer my question, instead muttering nonsense, "It was a mistake… Alec... still here… a mistake… I'm his… _his_…"

I let him talk for a moment, leaving him to the complexity of his mind. My hands were shaking. I wanted to help him but was totally helpless, standing five feet away.

Thankfully, my despair was stopped by a phone ringing in the living room. Jasper's phone.

"I'm going to answer that, Jasper. I'll be back in a few seconds," I tried to tell him calmly, but he didn't acknowledge me.

I left the bedroom and almost ran to grab the phone in time. Once I had it, I checked the ID and flinched at the name. Deciding that he might be the only one who could help Jasper in this moment, I pressed the green button.

"Hello," a velvet voice said.

"Hi, I believe you're Carlisle?" I couldn't have suppressed the harshness in my voice even if I wanted to.

"Yes,Edward? Where's Jasper? I told him I would call to see if everything was alright. Nothing happened, right?" He was getting worried by the second.

It bothered me greatly to ask for his help, but I had no choice. I didn't trust myself to take care of Jasper right now, and Carlisle could. I just prayed that he wouldn't take him away from me; we had some things to solve together.

"I think you need to come here, Carlisle."


	15. Chapter 15

_**CPOV**_

"_I think you need to come here, __Carlisle." _

I put ten Euros on the table, rushed outside the café and ran the short distance to Edward's apartment.

My mind was racing. _Not now, please. We were so close. Jasper was feeling so much better. We were finally getting somewhere_. What could have possible happened with Edward? Did he reject him? Edward didn't sound angry on the phone, at least not at Jasper, only me. Otherwise, he wouldn't have asked for my help. What happened? I didn't have time to think about that. Jasper needed me.

Once outside Edward's building, he let me in rapidly, and I climbed the stairs three at a time, not willing to wait for the elevator. My heart was beating madly in my chest, and my legs trembled under the emotions and the running. I didn't want to lose Jasper, not now that he was back in my life.

Edward was already waiting for me at the doorstep_. Jasper was right, he is beautiful._ I approached rapidly and stopped a few steps away from him.

"Where's Jasper?" I asked without saying hello. I knew it was rude, but at the moment, I couldn't care less about what he thought of me.

Edward's features hardened, and he coldly said, "He's in the bedroom. He doesn't want me to come close." I saw red. Why was Jasper in the bedroom? What the fuck had happened?

"Where is the bedroom?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"Second door on the left, after the living room," he answered quickly. I could see that he was worried about Jasper, but I couldn't do anything for him.

I pushed Edward aside and headed to the bedroom. The door was half closed, but I caught sight of Jasper sitting on the floor, his knees held firmly by his arms. He was shaking his head and muttering words I couldn't understand through the door.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and prayed that I had enough strength left to do this.

"Jasper?" I asked, softly.

He barely acknowledged me, stopping for a second before resuming his movements. I pushed the door open and entered the room. Jasper didn't react. I took that as a sign that he allowed my presence.

Step-by-step, I was walking toward Jasper, trying to think about the best approach, in vain. It was out of my league. Jasper was too broken; nothing of what we had done in the past months worked. He was lost.

When I was close enough, I knelt in front of him.

"Jasper," I said, my hand lightly shaking his ankle, "it's me, Carlisle."

He froze and closed his eyes tightly. I put my hands on his knees and waited. Jasper needed to come back willingly.

After a few minutes, he opened his red eyes and looked at me. This was a vision unbearable. At that moment, I felt everything he felt. His sadness was _my_ sadness. His pain was _my_ pain, but it was nothing compared to the agony I experienced when he broke the silence with a tearing voice, asking, "What's wrong with me, Carlisle?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. My arms circled him, and I held him close. Jasper needed so much to be protected. Alec had left him raw and destroyed, and it was all my fault. Even if it was unintentionally, I ruined Jasper's life. So many times, I wished he hadn't met me. His life would have been better, easier.

With Jasper in my arms, I allowed myself something I had never done with anyone beside Charlie; I cried.

* * *

Once I shed all my tears, I didn't want to break the quiet silence, but I needed to know.

My arms still around Jasper, I asked in a shaky voice, "What happened tonight?"

"I don't know. One minute I was talking to him, trying to explain what happened, and the next I'm holding him down, forcing him to-" Jasper trailed off, but I didn't want to get a clearer picture.

"I thought you were supposed to talk. You know you aren't ready for that. Did you at least explain to him your situation? Did you tell him about Alec?" He nodded.

"I was talking to Edward, and suddenly things got carried away," he said. "I was in his arms, and it felt so good. I was so hopeful, but when he kissed me, I lost it. My brain stopped to functioning and I let myself go… Oh God, Carlisle. I pinned him to the floor, holding his hands above his head. And I saw it. The look in his eyes. He was so scared of me. Why did I do this? How can I do this to him?" He buried his face on my shoulder and started to sob.

I didn't know what to say. Jasper's attitude was beyond understanding. He clearly didn't think, but the most surprising was Edward's reaction. All this time I had been so focused on Jasper that I hadn't thought about Edward. He must have been pretty shocked to see Jasper at his door.

Edward was as lost as Jasper. This poor guy was hoping to find love and companionship, and he ended up with this drama. I should have gone to talk to him, but I wasn't sure if he'd welcome my help.

Jasper seemed completely oblivious to Edward's feelings. Why didn't he see it? Their last encounter months ago had affected Edward as much as Jasper. Surely even more.

Holding Jasper closely, I asked him, "How's Edward? Is he mad at you… about your actions?"

He didn't answer right away, but after a minute, he whispered, "I don't know. He barely talked. Just listened my explanation."

"Didn't you apologize?" I asked, and Jasper nodded in answer.

"Did you tell him your intentions, what you want?"

"I told him that I wanted to know if we could have a chance. Why do you ask? Do you think I did something wrong?" he said, raising his head from my shoulder.

"I don't know, Jasper. I don't know him, but do _you_ think you did something wrong?" I said.

At first he shook his head, but realization slowly appeared in his eyes.

"When I started to talk about… the rape and its consequences on our relationship, he changed," he said in a small voice. "At first, I thought it was due to what I suffered, but now I don't know… he might think that I regret meeting him."

"And do you?" I asked Jasper.

"No," he said, vigorously, "but maybe I didn't express myself very well. I told him that when I was with him, Alec was here, in my head. This is the situation that I regret, not him. He is the one for whom I do this. Without him…" He closed his eyes, steadily breathing through the mouth.

"It's okay, Jasper," I said, rubbing his back. "I understand, but Edward may not. You have to tell him that it's not his fault, that he didn't do anything wrong."

"I can't. Not after what I did. I can't face him… but maybe you… can you go talk to him?" His now opened eyes were pleading with me. The problem was I didn't know how Edward would react to me. I was pretty sure he saw me as a "rival," someone who was here to take Jasper away. A civilized conversation seemed impossible.

Plus, I wasn't sure I could do it. Jasper kept asking things of me, but I sensed the end. I had practically nothing left. It had been months since I'd left New York. Even if in the end it helped Jasper, I wondered when it was going to stop. I was away from my family, my work, Charlie, everybody who daily helped me to face _my _demons. There was nobody here with whom I could have comfort and reassurance. Unfortunately, when I thought about my problems, Jasper's were heavier. He needed my help. How could I say no?

"Alright, I'll do it," I said, resigned. "Are you going to be okay here alone? You can come with me. It might be good for you to face Edward. Just be present while I talk." I raised his chin with my hand and searched in his eyes the silent answer. If he said yes, there was still hope.

After a moment of hesitation, Jasper simply disentangled himself from my grip, stood up and walked to the door. I followed his movement.

When his fingers were around the handle, he reached out for my hand. I gave it to him and squeezed. Jasper couldn't break down again. He had to stand up for himself because, truthfully, I wasn't sure my mind could handle another crisis.

* * *

_**EPOV**_

My hands were firmly planted in my hair; I impatiently waited in the living room. Carlisle had closed the bedroom door behind him, but I could still hear them talking. I wondered if Jasper had rejected him at first or if he'd welcomed him, arms opened. What could Jasper possibly tell him about tonight? Would Carlisle take Jasper away, advise him to cut me out of his life? Suddenly, the important question was not about Jasper, it was about me. Did I still want to be with him?

My reaction when Jasper pinned me to the floor caught me by surprise. I thought I was okay with everything that happened, but I had been so scared when he was on top of me. Suddenly, I wasn't sure that Jasper was someone I could trust.

At the beginning of our relationship, I gave him everything. Somehow, my defenses broke down with him. The second my eyes landed on his face, he was in. There was an instant connection between us. He must have felt it too; otherwise he wouldn't have come looking for me at the bar. I was so sure he felt it, but apparently I was wrong. Every time we were together, it was for sex, generally followed by Jasper's regrets and rejection. Tonight was the perfect example, he was only here for forgiveness and used me for sex.

My thoughts were cut short by the sound of a door being opened. I shifted on the couch, facing the bedroom. After excruciating seconds, Jasper exited the room followed by Carlisle. My heart skipped a beat when I saw them holding hands.

When Carlisle saw my reaction, he immediately let go of Jasper's hand and rapidly came sitting beside me. Jasper was facing us in the chair.

"Edward," Carlisle talked first, "first, I'd like to apologize for my behavior earlier. My rudeness was due to my concern regarding Jasper's state. Second, I think you need to know a little bit about me and my relationship with Jasper.

"Not so long ago, I was a Dom. This was how I felt myself. I met Jasper a few months after he arrived in New York, and we instantly connected. Not as Master and sub, but as friends. He understood my world and never judged me. One day, I realized that beyond his tolerance, Jasper might find what he was looking for in the BDSM lifestyle. I took him as a sub and progressively trained him to become a Master.

"What you have to know, Edward, is that Jasper and I have never been in any kind of romantic relationship. We are only friends." I snorted, not believing his explanation for a second. Jasper told me that Carlisle came to help him, so did he just abandon his life in New York for months to come help a friend? There were limits to friendship.

"So, you just came from New York to help a '_friend_'?" I asked, sarcastically.

"Yes, because that's who I am," he answered, honestly. "When someone I love needs me, I drop everything and go help. There aren't many people in my life for whom I'll do this, but Jasper is one of them." I glanced at Jasper. His head was bowed, and he was playing with his fingers, clearly embarrassed by Carlisle's declaration.

Carlisle didn't talk for a moment. His eyes fixed on me. He was probably waiting for me to talk. Unfortunately for him, I had no idea what to say. If they weren't friends, it meant that Jasper was really here for me. Strangely, this thought made me uncomfortable.

I turned and faced Jasper. "What do you want, Jasper?" I asked him.

His head still bowed, he whispered, "I want you. I don't know where I'll be next week or when I'll be better, but I want you with me. You are the only reason I'm trying." My heart was aching. He said exactly what I wanted to hear, but it seemed too late.

Jasper lifted his head, and our eyes finally met. "Can you forgive me, Edward? Give us a second chance?" he pleaded with me, tears filling his eyes.

"I can't, Jasper," I murmured. "I can't be with you. My life is a mess, and tonight just proved that I can't do this. I don't know who I am anymore." My heart was hammering in my chest. I held my breath. Did I just say that out loud?

"But, Edward-" he tried to say.

"No, you don't understand, Jasper. Before I met you, my life was filled with endless one night stands. Female one night stands mainly. Back then, I would have never let myself be in the situation I was in our last night together. This isn't me. When I don't like something, I just say so. Nobody is abusing me. You put me in this situation, and now I don't trust myself around you. I need a break from all this… from this non-relationship we have," I said, standing up.

I was angry. How did we end up here? _I_ was breaking up with Jasper. This was unbelievable. My legs started to shake. I had to get out of here.

Jasper was completely numb. His mouth was slightly opened, and he looked at me, incredulous. Carlisle stood and approached the chair. His eyes were closed as his hand rested on Jasper's shoulder. If he truly was just Jasper's friend, I could only hope that he would be here to help him.

"I'm leaving," I said. "Please shut the door behind you." I grabbed my keys and jacket and walk down the hall.

Before I opened the door, I watched Jasper over my shoulder. He was at the same place, but his eyes were on me, following my movement.

"I'm sorry," I told him and left the apartment.

Taking the stairs, I was walking slowly, unsure of my legs. I could barely breathe. Each step I took away from Jasper felt like a stab in my heart. _What have I done?_ Jasper was only seeking help and forgiveness; why was it so hard for me to give it?

Once outside, I didn't know where to go. Thankfully, since I was in Paris, there was always a bar or café opened at night. I walked to the café at the corner of my street.

My head was going to explode. My emotions felt too heavy and raw for my body. Sweat was started to run down my back when I heard someone call my name.

Closing my eyes, I slowly faced the man who was repeating my name.

"Edward, listen…" Carlisle said a little out of breath. "I understand that you have problems, but please consider Jasper's feelings. He has been through so much. Right now, he needs support and-" He seemed nervous.

"You think I don't know that? The thing is, I can't give him that, at least not right now. I would love to be here for him, take care of him, but it's too much to ask. I need to put myself together before thinking about helping him or having _any_ kind of relationship with Jasper. You can understand that, right?" Considering my trembling hands, my voice was surprisingly firm.

For a minute or two, Carlisle didn't speak, lost in his thoughts. "Okay, so we are going to leave France," he said, but more to himself, his eyes staring at a spot behind me. "Return to New York. Jasper will stay with me and Charlie. He can work at the restaurant, maybe in the flower shop down the street…" He continued for a few seconds, rambling about things he had to do.

When he mentioned Charlie again, I had to ask, "Who's Charlie?"

His eyes filled with love and he didn't have to say it, I understood. Deep down, a small part of my heart relaxed.

"Can you do something for me, Edward?" He said, softly, and I nodded. "Jasper told me you were from New York. Did you plan on going there in the near future?" I hesitated and nodded. His hand reached around and grabbed something in his back pocket.

"Alright, I'm going to give you my cell phone number and my email. If you feel ready and you want to contact Jasper, it'll be the best way," he said, handing me a small piece of paper with the information.

"You take care of yourself, Edward," he continued. "I promise I'll take care of Jasper. I hope I'll see you someday." With that, he was gone, and I was standing there at four a.m., tired and cold.

Realization slowly crept up inside me. I was scared, alone, and unemployed. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call anybody. My friends in Paris weren't real friends, almost strangers. The only person I was in regular contact with was my mother, but I couldn't call her. _What could I possibly say?_ She wouldn't understand, and it would be just another of "Edward's mistakes."

The cold now spread throughout my entire body; I decided that I had to go to the café. Once seated, I ordered an espresso and pulled my phone out. Browsing through the contacts, I found nobody. My only "friend" was Alice, but calling her meant explaining the situation, and that was out of the question. When I arrived at the 'M's', I wasn't sure of anything. Maybe I should call her. She would help me, and knowing my mom, probably without judgment.

Without thinking or even checking the hour in New York, I pressed the green button.

After two rings, she answered, surprise clear in her voice, "Edward? Are you okay? It's late."

I couldn't answer; my mouth was opened but no sound was emitted.

"Edward? Honey? What happened?" She asked, anxious. "Edward, talk to me, please. Tell me what's wrong."

My breathing increased, shaky against the phone.

"Please, don't shut yourself off from me. I'm here for you. If you have a problem, you can talk to me about it. In fact, I need you to," my mom said.

I cleared my voice, took a deep breath and swallowed my pride.

"Can I please come home, now?"


	16. Chapter 16

**EPOV**

_What the fuck am I doing? Why did I take this plane?_ The mere thought of seeing my parents after everything that happened was crazy. I didn't think of the repercussions of going home. Truth be told, I needed my mom. I needed to know that no matter what I'd done my parents still loved me. I didn't deserve it and it was selfish and childish for me to ask, but I craved their love.

My mother wasn't the problem; she loved me and already forgave my mistakes, but my father… was another story. He had high hopes for me. Whether it was sports, school or relationship, he always pushed me to become the best. And I was, except that I'd done it away from him. He didn't know anything about me or my life. That was the problem. I shut my parents out of my life years ago.

How could I explain to them that it didn't mean that I stopped loving them? They were with me all the time. They raised me, passed down their moral principles and their ethics. In every decision I made, my parents' influence was there. I needed to tell them, to tell _him_ that he was the reason I was professionally successful.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent, make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and…"_

The Captain's announcement took me out of my thoughts. I turned my iPod off and settled in my seat. My mom was supposed to pick me up at the airport. I didn't want to take a cab. Plus, I was a little eager to see her again. Our first reunion a couple of months ago, didn't let us much time to catch up. I missed her.

I closed my eyes and tried to prepare myself to face my dad. I hoped he'd want to see me this time. He had to understand my choices, or at least, why I made them.

Forty-five minutes later, I was calling my mom's cell while waiting for my luggage.

"Edward, please forgive me. I know I shouldn't have done it, but you need to talk. And at the time, I thought that-" she said in a hurry, before I even said a word.

"What are you talking about, Mom? I landed. I'm waiting for- oh wait a minute. I see my luggage." I put my phone in my pocket, careful not to hang up.

Once I retrieved my three bags and placed them in the cart, I took my phone back. "Sorry Mom, where are you? I'm exiting the airport. Terminal 4."

I was struggling to keep everything up on the cart without losing my cell phone and my messenger bag when I saw my dad, waiting for me beside the door.

I stopped every movement. For a second, my mind tried to find the best way to run away without him seeing me. I quickly dismissed the idea when Dad raised his head and our eyes locked. _Oh God, now I can't breathe. What is Dad doing here? Why is he here? _I was so not ready to do this.

"Edward? Honey? You're still here? Edward!" My mom nearly screamed on the phone to get my attention.

"Hem… what's Dad doing here?" I asked, after clearing my voice. "I thought _you _were supposed to come and get me."

"I'm sorry, Edward, but you're going to have to solve this. I just thought the sooner the better. I had to force your father to do this, so please talk to him," she said.

"I don't understand why you've done this, without even asking me. You should have told me." I was mad, but I could blame her for trying.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I just want everybody to be happy," Mom said.

"I know, I'll see you at home. Bye." I hung up the phone, not wanting to hear more excuses. I had to deal with the situation.

Placing my phone in my messenger bag, I made my way to Dad. As soon as he saw me approaching, his eyes glanced at anything but me. His face was an emotionless mask.

"Hi," I said, stopping a few feet away from him. I wasn't sure what to do. I hadn't seen my father in seven years. He hadn't changed much, but I'd forgotten how impressive he looked. He had a pretty normal face shape and blond-grey hair, but there was something in his eyes and in the way he stood that commanded respect.

My father didn't answer. He barely nodded before turning around and walking to what I presumed was the car.

I followed him, worried about what was going to happen in the next two hours that it took to get home. How could I start a conversation with someone who clearly didn't want to talk? He didn't even check to see if I was behind him.

When we finally arrived at the car, he opened the truck, put my luggage in and got into the driver's seat, while I silently took back the cart.

All the way back to the car, my brain tried to concoct the perfect plan to get myself out of this situation and give my father a valid excuse. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a reason to justify my escape to my mother. In the end, I concluded that I had to suck it up and go back to the car.

"Dad…" I tried to start once we were in the highway. "I-I don't know what to say."

My dad quickly glanced at me and said, "Listen, Edward. Your mother put me up to this and I had no choice. It doesn't mean I'm willing to talk to you. You can stay home as long as you want, but don't think for a second that I can forget what you put your mother and me through." I was thrown off guard by my dad's tone. He was calm, strict but calm.

"But Dad-"

"Don't. I don't want to hear it. I'm sure you think you have good reasons, but I just don't see the point. You are going to leave again and forget about us anyway. You've done it before, it shouldn't be too hard to do it again. So please, spare your mother and me the heartache, and don't promise Rosalie anything. She doesn't need false hope." With that, he put the radio on and concentrated on the road.

I didn't know what to say. His point of view was legitimate, but I wasn't planning on leaving this time… or at least, if I did, I wouldn't completely shut them out. They needed to be in my life. I needed them too, but he was right. How could I be sure that I wouldn't go off again? I didn't want to stay in New York all my life, but could I really have a relationship with my family and be away from them? I wasn't sure, but it was worth a try.

"Dad," I said but he didn't answer. "Dad, please listen to me." He still didn't show any signs of acknowledgement. His eyes were still focused on the road. "I don't want your forgiveness," I said in a small voice. "I don't deserve it. But you have to know that I won't run away this time. I learned from my mistakes, and I need you in my life. And by you, I mean Mom, Rosalie _and_ you. I want you to know me, and be a part of my life. I want you to be proud of me, like you used to."

He didn't say or do anything. I wanted to scream, yell, and force him to talk to me, but I couldn't. _He_ had to give me a chance, and not the other way around. I could only wait and pray that with time, he would forgive me.

* * *

The next few days went by too quickly. When I arrived, I spent a lot of time with Rosie. I wanted to get to know her before she went to visit London with Aunt Maria. She was the sweetest little girl. Even though she had a tough life, she was always smiling and dancing around the house. I realized that I hadn't laughed in a long time. It felt good to let go and have fun.

Rosie was also smart. She wanted to follow out Dad's example and become a doctor. She had this incredible zest and curiosity for life. When I told her about my trip around the world, she'd listen to me as if I was some kind of hero. I spent my afternoon playing with her in the garden. Mom often joined us. I couldn't be more grateful that they accepted me so easily.

All too soon, Mom was driving her to the airport. I was on the front porch, reading a book, the soft wind warming my skin. I sat on the porch swing, my legs resting on a chair in front of me. I felt good, but there was this nagging feeling that prevented me from completely enjoy the situation. Dad didn't talk to me. He saw me every day, sat with us at breakfast or dinner, but he didn't speak to me. Mom kept repeating to me that I needed to give him time, to let him come to me, but it was not that easy. It was uncomfortable. He made me feel like an intruder.

Dad was in the library, probably reading like me. He took refuge in there as soon as Mom left the house. It had been a couple hours already, and she wouldn't be back before night-fall. She was going to Manhattan shopping with some friends.

_This is it_. I couldn't stand this situation with Dad. It had been nearly a month since I came back. Things had to change, and if he didn't want to take the first step, I'd do it.

I closed my book and went to the kitchen. I was hungry. So I made a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grabbed sodas and my book and headed to the library.

Once at the door, I took a deep breath and knocked.

No answer.

I knocked again, but this time, I didn't wait. I opened the door and entered the room. When the door was closed, I turned around and met Dad's eyes. He was on a chair, a book resting on his legs and his old glasses on his nose.

Neither of us talked. We stared at each other for a minute or so, both waiting for the other to speak. Once I understood that no one was going to talk, I put down the sandwiches and sodas on the coffee table and sat on the chair next to Dad. He looked at me curiously, but I didn't say a word. I opened my book and read. Of course, I didn't actually read, but I pretended until I saw him relax and take back his own book.

Half an hour later, Dad leaned down and took a sandwich. I was watching from the corner of my eyes, trying in vain to hide my smile.

During the next days, it became our little thing. When he was out of work, after lunch or dinner, he wordlessly left to the library and I followed a couple of minutes after. Every time Mom brought us little snacks or warm cookies. I noticed her eyes watered when she saw us reading together.

A week after Rosalie came back from England, I was waiting for Dad to join me for our daily reading session when he came in and sat in front of me without a book or medical journals.

He was casually sitting on his chair when he said his first words to me in six weeks, "Tell me about Australia?"

I closed my book and closed my eyes. I wanted to cry. Finally, after all this time, he was talking to me.

With emotions clear in my voice, I started to talk about my work at the St Vincent's Hospital in Sydney and the year I took off after to discover the Australian deserts. Little by little, everything was getting back to normal.

Days passed, my life calmed down and for the first time since I left Paris, I thought about Jasper. I couldn't believe it had already been two months. I had so much to deal with, with my parents, that my brain completely suppressed Jasper.

I was with my mother in the kitchen, helping her with dinner, when she asked about Paris and my life there. A flash of memories passed through my eyes quickly followed by regrets. Unfortunately, Mom saw it.

While chopping carrots, she casually asked, "You've never told me what happened? Why did you decide to come home?" Her eyes never made contact with me.

"Nothing, I missed you. I wanted to be with family. That's all," I answered. It was the truth, I just omitted telling some parts.

"Yeah, but why now? You seemed pretty sure that you'd go to Italy and a few hours after, you call and ask if you can come home. What made you change your mind?" She was pushing me to talk, but I couldn't. If I opened that door, I had no idea what would come out. I was fine, reconnecting with my family. Why was she doing this?

"Mom, I don't want to talk about it. My life was a mess back there. I needed a break," I said, a little more harshly that what I wanted to.

She put down the knife and looked at me. "Don't get me wrong, I want you here, but you can't hide forever. You said it yourself: you 'needed a break'. This is not your life, Edward. I love having you around. If it was only my choice, you'd stay here with me, with us. But I know you don't want it. You need to deal with the problems you have and move on," she stopped and rested her hand on mine. "Of course, if you can move on in New York or at least in the state, it would be better," she added, smiling.

I didn't say anything. I squeezed her hand and left, to go to my room. Jasper had meant so much to me, in so little time. Suddenly, after I met him, he was the center of my life. He was everything I thought about, and if I was honest, everything I was craving. For the first time, I gave myself to someone and he took advantage of it.

With hindsight, I realized that it was not healthy. Relying completely on someone to be happy is not a good thing. I had to come home to realize it. Watching the way my parents lived opened my eyes. They were in love with each other, they formed a family, but it was not their whole life. My father was a well known doctor, an important part of the community and an avid reader. He wrote reviews for the local journal. As for my mother, even if she was a stay at home mom, she did volunteer work for several associations and helped Aunt Maria with her design company.

They both had a full life aside their life together. They were married but that wasn't what defined their identities. I used to think that when I'd meet someone I loved, that was it. I would be happy just to be with him or her. The truth couldn't be more far away. I had been so stupid. My life was a succession of quests. I was always searching for something, anything that would have made me feel alive. I had never realized that the pleasure was in the journey, not the ending. All the experiences I've had, every city I've lived in, formed me, taught me something about life.

Paris was no exception. It might have been the most important lessons: I don't need anybody to be happy. I needed to live my life for _me_, not for anyone else. If I met someone, it'd be great, but if not, I'd still be happy. During those few weeks at home, I learned to live, to enjoy the little moments and most of all, I learned that no matter what happened I had people who loved me. This was all I needed.

* * *

_**Six months later **_

I woke up to the horrible sound of the alarm clock, cursing the goddamn stupid guy who invented it. Jumping in the shower, I actively prepared myself for another Monday of work. It was the worst day for working, half people were cheering about their wonderful weekend, and the other half was simply walking around zombie like.

It had been five months since I started working at an online paper on Manhattan, and overall, it was nice. I didn't have a clear statute there, I was somewhere between an assistant and a junior editor. It didn't pay much, but it didn't care. I had savings from Paris, and since I lived with my parents, spending was reduced. My co-workers rapidly became friends. We considered ourselves as a family, so the working atmosphere was great.

Since I finished work around three p.m, I had time for other activities. I volunteered at a homeless shelter near work twice a week. When I was at home, my time was divided between playing with Rosie, helping Mom in the kitchen and talking about my day with Dad.

It didn't leave me much time to think, but my brain found plenty of time for that when I couldn't sleep at night. I would stay, lying in bed, and images of Jasper would pop into my mind. At first, it was relatively chaste pictures, but with time, my need for him reawakened. Practically every night, I had to jerk off thinking about Jasper, and parts of his body that I could worship.

I hadn't been with someone since him. It wasn't the lack of need that stopped me, rather the fact that I could not imagine sex with someone else. I wanted Jasper, but what if I wasn't ready? I had barely built a life. Was it the right time to include him in the fragile equation?

I had thought about calling Carlisle to get news about Jasper countless times, but somehow I'd never found the courage to actually pick up the phone.

One day, I came home from work and heard Mom in the kitchen. She was preparing cookies for Rosie's school. I changed into old jeans and a t-shirt and went to help her.

I was putting the frosting on the cookies when Mom decided that today was the day for serious discussions. Since the first time she mentioned Paris, she tried periodically to make me talk about it, to see if I was ready.

"By the way, sweetie, my friend Leah is going to Paris in a couple of weeks. She's searching for a good hotel, maybe a couple of restaurants. Could you give me some recommendations? Where did you live again? I keep forgetting it." I wondered if she knew that this was a lame excuse to question me about Paris.

"I was in the fifth arrondissement. I'll write down some names later," I quickly said, concentrating on the frosting.

"Is it a good area? Is it friendly?" she asked.

I knew what she wanted to hear, but I didn't want to let go. "A little preppy, but still friendly."

"Did you make some friends there?" I almost laughed at her persistence.

"Yeah, Parisians are cool." I sensed the end of the game. She could never take the eluding answers for too long.

"Oh yeah, and what did you do when you didn-" she stopped in the middle of her sentence and rested the cookies on the table. "Are you going to torture me more? Come on, can you just tell me what happened?"

"Nothing happened, Mom," I said. She eyed me, clearly not believing me. It was time to open up. I let out a heavy sigh and continued, "It wasn't a big deal. I met someone and things didn't work out. He wanted something I couldn't give him."

Mom didn't say anything at first. She came next to me and hugged me, but after a couple of minutes, she said, "Are you okay with that?"

With my head nestled under her chin, I answered, "I don't know… I thought I was but… I don't know." I was so confused. I was happy in New York, my job was nice and less stressful, my friends were great and I reconnected with my family. I should be happy, but something was off. My regret regarding Jasper seemed heavier by the second. I failed him, turned my back on him and never really looked back.

"Can I ask you something?" Mom took me out of my thoughts.

I nodded.

"Are you still in contact?" she asked.

I shook my head, still unable to vocalize an answer.

"Can you give him what he wants, now?" Mom started caressing my hair.

"I don't know, I'm not sure I can trust myself with him. What if it doesn't work out? I don't want to go through all that again?" I said my voice a little shaky.

"You won't know if you don't try… But things have changed. You have us now, and you can always come home. Plus, you're different. The simple fact that we have this conversation proves that you're different. When you were a kid, you flatly refused to talk to me. You were so reserved and secretive. Even six months ago, we weren't able to talk like that. Little by little, you change. That's life; you're constantly evolving, learning from your experiences," she said.

I hugged her for a long time, thinking about my life and what I should do. I wanted to call Jasper, but I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. Would he be okay? What would he want from me? Friendship or more? And what would I want? I didn't know, but like Mom said, I won't know if I don't try.

Later that day, I was sitting in front of my laptop, going through my mail: a couple of spam, some stuff from the Institute in Paris, and one from Alice.

I opened the one from Alice and threw the rest away.

_Hi beautiful,_

_I haven't heard from you in a while. Things here haven't changed much. Same old, same old. _

_I wonder where you are. France? Italy? Maybe back to the States? Send me a postcard anyway. _

_If you're interested, the job I talked to you about is available. They are looking for someone for November. The director starts the interviews later this month. _

_If you want to try, let me know. I'll give you more details. _

_Think about it._

_Love, _

_Alice_

I contemplated the email for a few minutes before pressing on the reply button.

_Hey,_

_I'm back in New York. You can send me the information about the job. It can't hurt to check. _

_I hope everything's okay in Paris. _

_Thanks, Edward._

My hand was shaking when I clicked on send, but it was true, it can't hurt anyone to submit a resume. I still had three months to decide if I wanted to go.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I opened a new page and wrote a short email to Carlisle. I gave him my new phone number, and told him to see if Jasper wanted to talk to me. My hands quickly typed the email and sent it before I even had time to think about the repercussions.

Tired from the day, I went downstairs to the patio and opened a book. Dad joined me a few minutes after. We didn't talk much, simply sharing our day at work. My mind was full of thoughts, I needed to calm down. We stayed in a peaceful silence until Mom called us for dinner.

Once the night was over, I was lying on my bed unable to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened today. I really considered the idea of going back to France. I liked the life there, but I made contact with Jasper. It was crazy. Everything was happening so fast. Was I ready to see Jasper again? What are we going to do? What are we going to talk about? Unfortunately, I couldn't back down now. Things were done. I could only wait and see how it went.

Right before I sank into sleep, my phone vibrated. Through foggy vision, I understood that I had a message and grabbed my phone.

_Meet me at the City Winery on Varick St tomorrow at seven p.m. J-_

I put my phone back on the nightstand. My eyes wide opened. _How am I supposed to sleep now?_


	17. Chapter 17

_**JPOV**_

I checked the time for the fourth time since I arrived. Six thirty. We arrived at six p.m. together, but Carlisle and Charlie had already left. Edward was supposed to arrive at seven p.m. I was more than nervous at the idea of seeing him again. It'd been nearly seven months since I last saw him, and I hadn't been at my best that day.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

After Edward left me in his apartment, I was a wreck. I didn't know how I could go on if he wasn't with me. He was the only reason why I wanted to be better. I couldn't see the point of healing if Edward wouldn't be there in the end.

When Carlisle first suggested that I should go to New York with him, I didn't take him seriously. I thought that he was only offering out of guilt, but after what happened, I realized I had no other choice. Paris was no longer an option for me. There was nothing left to keep me there anymore.

Carlisle and I got back to the apartment that night and packed my stuff. I didn't take much with me, only some clothes and my laptop. The rest was arranged to be given away to charity.

The next day, we were flying to New York. Carlisle was clearly happy to go back. As for me, I didn't care anymore. Sitting next to him on the plane, deep in thought, I watched the ocean below us. I could feel my heart constricting the further I moved away from Edward. I had so many regrets when I thought about the way I treated him. How could he have even stayed with me after everything I'd done?

I couldn't control my actions when I was with Edward. When we were together, it was like I became this whole other person. I was happier, sure. I felt things that I had never felt before, but along with it, he woke up some lost memories. Memories I tried to push away and forget. The pain, the hurt. Everything was out with him, I was raw. I had repressed those feelings for so long and when they got out, I couldn't push them away anymore.

Once Carlisle and I landed at JFK, we got our luggage and waited in front of the terminal. Charlie was supposed to come get us.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to be here?" I asked Carlisle. "I don't want to cause any problems."

"Don't worry about it. I talked with Charlie. He knows what you've been through. He wants to help," Carlisle said, patting my shoulder.

"Yeah, but it's been weeks since you last saw each other. It may be better if I let you two alone and go to a hotel or something." I turned and faced him. "You know money is not a problem. I have some savings. Not much, but I can afford a little room while looking for a job, and-"

"Jasper, we have a spare room," Carlisle interrupted, raising his hand. "We've talked about this. You won't disturb us. Now, you stop thinking about it and just say thank you." He was annoyed, but I couldn't help feeling like a burden. First, he dropped his life and came to live in Paris with me, then he brought me back to New York to live with him and his partner. I knew Carlisle had difficulties with the Alec situation. He had been as affected by it as me. He had done enough. It couldn't be good for him to have me in his life.

Unfortunately, I couldn't talk about it with him. One day in my apartment, I questioned him about the problem his presence in Paris might generate, and he simply shook his head and changed the subject. It was one of the subjects off limits.

It was better if I let it go. So I looked away and said, "Thank you."

A couple minutes later, Carlisle's phone rang. He took it out of his pocket, smiled, and mouthed 'Charlie'. I nodded and lit a cigarette.

I sat on a bench while Carlisle was talking on the phone. I tried to give him a little privacy, but I still heard bits of his conversation.

"Where are you? ... Okay, we're in terminal one... yeah, I can't wait... No, he's a little stress... alright... okay, see you in a few... me too," Carlisle finished.

After he hung up, he joined me and lit a cigarette.

"Don't tell, Charlie. I'm not supposed to smoke." He took one drag and exhaled loudly. "God, you don't know how much I miss this. Charlie hates it. His mother died of lung cancer. He'll have my head if he knows. And yours too." He took another drag and added, "He's stuck in traffic. It'll take him about half an hour to be here."

"Okay, so you better hurry up smoking this," I said, pointing at his forbidden pleasure.

After that, we didn't talk much, silently waiting for Charlie, but Carlisle was getting more tense.

Twenty minutes passed and I broke down. I asked, "What's going on? Why are you so stressed? It's not like you're the one who doesn't know the guy and have come to crash at his place."

He breathed deeply for a minute and said, "I don't know why I'm nervous. I miss him so much."

I put my hand on his forearm. "You have nothing to be afraid of." It was weird to comfort Carlisle. Even after everything we'd been though in Paris, I still pictured him as the super man who never gets affected by anything. He had been my Master. I would always have this perfect image of him, even if it wasn't true.

As my hand slid off his arm, someone honked a horn and parked in front of us. Carlisle didn't wait a second before jumping off the bench and running to greet, I assumed, Charlie.

Charlie was in a hurry too, once the car stopped, his door was already opened and Carlisle in his arms.

Since Carlisle didn't like showing off his feelings in public, they didn't kiss, but their hug seemed so intimate, so connected, that they might as well have been. I looked away and grabbed the bags while they exchanged a few words.

"Let me help you," Charlie said, suddenly right behind me.

I gave him Carlisle's luggage and we loaded the trunk of the car. After everything was in place, Charlie turned around and faced me. Carlisle was beside him, the back of their hands lightly touching.

"Hi, Jasper. I'm Charlie," he said, shaking my hand. "How are you? Did you guys have a good flight?"

"Yes, thank you," I said, my face flushing. I didn't know why but I was a little embarrassed.

Thankfully, Charlie seemed to understand my situation because he clapped my shoulder and said, "Come on, let's go home."

I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. At least, I had a couple of hours before the awkward conversation I had to have with Charlie.

The car ride was pretty uneventful. I sat in the back and listened to my iPod while Charlie and Carlisle chatted quietly in the front. Even if my presence kept them from speaking about anything important, they didn't stop talking for the whole ride. Although they didn't hold hands, Charlie had his hand on Carlisle's leg all the time.

I remembered the first time I discovered that Carlisle didn't want to show his affection in public. It had been about five months since Carlisle and I became Master and sub. We were walking down Sixth Avenue when, I'm not sure why, I put my arm around his waist. Carlisle froze and quickly got out of my embrace. I was mortified. I was ready to dig a hole and hide in it for the rest of my life. It was horrible. Carlisle told me that shopping was over and we headed to his house.

Once there, I'd apologized profusely. I had overstepped the boundaries between a Master and his sub. On one hand, I was ready for my punishment, but on the other, our relationship was so complicated at the time. He had started to train me to become a Master and we spent more and more time outside of the playroom. I wasn't sure how to act with him anymore. Was he my friend or my Master?

Sitting at the dinner table, Carlisle didn't talk to me. We stayed facing each other for two hours. Finally, after practically every imaginable kind of torture had passed through my thoughts, he said, "Jasper, I'm not angry. It's just that... I can't... showing affection is hard for me... in public... I can't do it." It was the first time I saw Carlisle, not Master or Mentor Carlisle. Carlisle was so strong and confident, but it was a mask. Underneath, there was this other person that few had seen.

From there, our relationship only grew stronger. The more time passed, the closer our friendship became.

The car stopping in front of a building on the upper west side took me out of my thoughts. It was Charlie and Carlisle's home. It used to be Charlie's, but Carlisle told me that after spending every night of their first six months there, Charlie told him that it was stupid to keep two apartments. The next day, Carlisle had moved in.

We got out of the car and Carlisle and I took the luggage inside while Charlie parked the car. They had the entire fifth floor for themselves.

Once inside, I immediately recognized Carlisle's touch. The place was warm, but ordered. Carlisle's old house was bright white with practically no colour. In this apartment, combined with the white walls, they put red and blue curtains and small touches of colours here and there. It was calm and peaceful.

Carlisle showed me the apartment, finishing by the guest room. It was a simple room, king size bed, a little desk in the corner, a closet and a private bathroom. Again, the walls were white, but the sheets and curtains were navy blue. The ambiance was relaxing, I was immediately at ease.

"... and before you ask, we have a cable internet access or wifi," Carlisle said. "Whatever you prefer."

After we put my bags beside the bed, Carlisle put one hand on my shoulder and briefly hugged me. "I'm glad you're here, Jasper," he said, smiling. I wanted to answer him, to thank him for everything, but nothing came out of my mouth.

A few seconds passed and he added, "Now, take your time and rest. You must be tired. You can unpack later."

He exited the room and a few minutes after, I heard the shower start. I wasn't sure what to do. I sat on the bed and my mind went blank.

There was a knock on my door. I blinked a few times and checked the time. Seven fifteen. _Whoa, I didn't move for forty-five minutes. That's unusual. _

As a second knock sounded, I ran my hands over my face. "Come in," I said.

Charlie opened the door and looked at me. "Dinner will be ready in ten. I hope you like lasagna," he said, smiling.

"Yes, thank you," I answered.

He stared at me for a second, before letting out a heavy breath. Still at the door, he said, "Jasper, you don't have to act like that with me. Your presence is not a problem for me. Carlisle needs this. He needs to help you. Things would be a lot easier if you accept our help."

Charlie was too nice for his own good. How could he even tolerate his lover's ex _sub_? I had sex with Carlisle! He had done things with me that he had never done with Charlie. How could this be okay?

"Do you... Do you know why I was with Carlisle... before?" I asked, timidly. I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from him.

He chuckled softly and said, "If you are referring to the fact that you were Carlisle's sub, yes, I'm aware of that. Carlisle told me about his past and what he has done. We are in a relationship, Jasper, and this is a big part of his life. Or it used to be." I briefly wondered if Charlie was interested in the BDSM world and if he was, would he be the Master or the sub?

"And you're okay with it?" I asked.

"Do you really think that Carlisle is the first man I have been with?" he answered, raising an eyebrow. "We all have a past. I love Carlisle, and I trust him. I know he won't do anything that could hurt me. You know him, he's the most loyal person I've ever met." _God, I wish I could find this kind of love._

I nodded and said, "Yeah, maybe I just need some time to adjust." Charlie nodded. "I'm going to take a quick shower and I'll help you set the table."

Charlie left the room. I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom. I leaned against the door while I waited for the water to heat up.

My conversation with Charlie had been nice. I had been expecting to have the possessive "stay away from my man" talk. It was stupid. From what Carlisle told me, Charlie was a good man. Always ready to help. He was honest and sure of his relationship with Carlisle, and it was good. Carlisle needed that kind of stability in his life. I could see why he loved him so much.

I didn't know what was going to happen, if I would be better someday, or if I would never be able to be in a relationship like them, but I wasn't worried. _I think I'm going to be alright here. _

/

Days passed and I lost myself into life. My main goal was finding a job. Two weeks and sixty sent resume later, I found it. I worked at a bakery on Seventy-Second Street, near Carlisle's. I pretty much made coffee and sold bread and cupcakes all day. It wasn't a wonderful, gratifying job, but it kept me busy, and the money wasn't bad.

For weeks, I did nothing else. Just sleep, work, and talk with Carlisle and Charlie around dinner. I tried to stay out of their way as much as I could. I still talked with Carlisle at least once a week about everything and nothing, but not like we used to in Paris.

My life was a well-rounded routine. I was happy, or as happy as I could be given the situation. I thought about Edward sometimes, but as time passed these thoughts became less frequent. Somehow, I was gradually forgetting about him and the event in Paris. Yet, there were moments when memories of him came flooding back to me. I could be walking on the street or lying in bed, and my thoughts would drift back to him. His face. His laugh. And the way I'd treated him, or his face masked by fear that night.

It would feel like I was suffocating, my vision would become blurry and I'd sweat profusely. There was nothing I could do but wait for those thoughts to go away.

I hadn't spoken about it with Carlisle. I didn't want to worry him. It was better if he thought I was getting better. He had done so much for me already.

One day, about five months after I left Paris, I was coming back home after work when I smelled it. Rose flavoured rice. Edward had made it for me the first time we'd fucked. Suddenly, my body betrayed me. My mouth was dry. My fingertips tingled. My heart was hammering in my chest. I remembered everything. The cigarette I smoked on the balcony, the wine that we didn't drink, the excitement filling his bedroom, his skin so soft against my hands.

On the street, my throat was constricted, my eyes were full of unshed tears and my legs were shaking. But this was nothing compared to next wave of memories that assaulted me. I remembered Edward inside me, bringing me incredible pleasure, but also waking up the monster. My vision had been blurry by my orgasm, but it'd been clear in my mind. Alec. He was back to ruin the one thing I wanted but couldn't have. Liberty. I was his. That would never change.

I started to run. I had to go back home. Having a crisis in the middle of the street wasn't an option. I couldn't bear the look in strangers' eyes. The judgement.

When I was finally at the apartment, I let myself fall on the couch, face first. Luckily, Charlie and Carlisle were working late that day. The tears couldn't wait a second. The pillow before me was already soaked.

A couple of minutes later, my breathing calmed down. Tears randomly slid down my face, but the shaking had stopped. I was concentrating on relaxing my tense muscles when someone called my name.

"Jasper, can I join you?" Charlie asked.

I didn't answer or move. I even stopped breathing. _Maybe he hasn't seen me_.

"I'm going to take that as a 'yes'," he said, sitting at the other end of the couch.

Charlie didn't say anything for half an hour. Carlisle always did the same thing before a serious talk. He was waiting for me to speak first.

I slowly sat up on the couch and said, "Don't tell, Carlisle. I don't want to worry him."

Charlie turned and faced me. "Do you really think Carlisle doesn't know about your little breakdowns?" he asked, his head tilted to the side. "He didn't want to push you. He thinks you're not ready... but you see, I think he underestimates you. You're stronger than he thinks. Hell, you're stronger than _you_ think." He chuckled lightly.

"What are you talking about?" I asked because I was completely lost. _Strong enough for what?_

"Jasper, trust me when I say that. You can try to forget your past, act like it never happened, but it will always come back. You can't run this time. You have to deal with it. Like we all did," Charlie said.

"What do you mean 'like we all did'?" I turned, facing him.

"I won't talk about my personal past or Carlisle's, but I can tell you about Carlisle and I," he said. "I met Carlisle in a dark period of his life. When you left, he abandoned himself to revenge. It ate him alive, and when finally, it was done, he realized that it didn't help the hurt. It only added guilt to the equation. I met him a little while after. He was broken, and I don't know why, but he started to talk to me. We talked for hours. Naturally, we became lovers and our discussion became more serious. Little by little, he told me everything about his life, from his childhood in Chicago to the reason why he entered the BDSM life.

"Sometimes, his words were so painful that I wanted him to stop, but he wouldn't. He wanted me in his life, and he said that if it was ever going to work between us, I had to know. But when he told me about Alec and what he did, I left. I liked Carlisle a lot, but I couldn't get past it. It was too much to ask. I didn't see him for two weeks.

"I tried to forget about him, but I couldn't. He was always on my mind. So I came back and never left again. Although I can't excuse what he did, I can't hold it against him. It happened before he even met me. In the end, we worked together to heal. It wasn't easy, we still have off days, but what other choice do we have?

"What about you, Jasper? Do you really think that you're okay, that you don't have problems?" he asked me.

"That's a rhetorical question. I wouldn't be here if I was okay," I said.

He stared at me for a second and said, "You can't do this alone, Jasper. You can talk with Carlisle all you want, but he doesn't have the capacity to help you. He feels out of control." He paused, breathing in and out a few times and added, "If you want I know someone at the station. He works with police and victims of assault. I think he can help you. He's a good guy."

After the disaster in Paris, the idea of talking with a Doctor was quite repellent. I couldn't bear the questions, the intrusion and the taking notes.

"I don't know, Charlie," I said. "I tried in Paris, but it didn't work. I was pretty shaken by it."

"But you ended up talking with Carlisle, right? Something good came out of this. Plus, you don't have to like it, you just have to try. Maybe it will surprise you."

"Alright, give me his number. I'll call him tomorrow," I said, wanting to get this conversation over. Charlie put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "You know, that's the longest conversation we've had since I came to New York," I added, smiling.

"I'm not a big fan of talking," Charlie said, laughing.

Right at that moment, for the first time in a long time, I had hope.

/

I called Dr Rosenthal's office the next day and had a session scheduled the next week. _It can't hurt to try. _

We didn't talk much during the first couple of sessions. He wanted to know about my life, my work, my hobbies. Easy topics.

When the tough questions arrived, I was relaxed but I didn't say much. Mainly talking about a "traumatic event" that had happened in my past and the cancer. Strangely, I had no problem talking about my liver cancer and the treatment I'd followed, but the name Alec could not pass my lips.

In my sixth session, the Doctor tried to push me. Not too hard, but still too much for me. My reaction was immediate. As soon as he said the word "assault", I was out of the office. I couldn't deal with that. Once people knew about me and Alec, something changed in their eyes. They would feel pity. I could see it. I was so ashamed of what happened that night. I kept telling myself I should have fought harder, screamed louder. I should have done something, anything, but instead I gave up. I clearly remembered it -the moment when I stopped fighting. The second my mind broke and I let him do what the fuck he wanted to do. Who could look at me after that without feeling sorry for me?

I wasn't a man anymore. That was the problem with Edward. He wanted me to be someone I couldn't be anymore. I made him suffer so much. It was something I could never forgive myself.

Back at the apartment, I headed directly to my room, saying a quick hello to Charlie who was preparing to leave for work. He saw my emotionless face and knew I didn't want to talk. Charlie had a night shift and Carlisle would be out at the restaurant until around ten. So I was alone for about three hours.

I took my clothes off and slid under the sheets. I was tired; I felt emotionally drained. Even if I didn't talk about it, the memories kept playing in my mind. It was a constant battle not to let them overwhelm me.

Lying down on my bed, curtains closed, I heard the faint noise of Manhattan's streets. I closed my eyes and tried to let my thoughts rest.

I slept on and off for four hours. Carlisle was watching TV in the living room. After a quick shower, I joined him, wanting to know why he hadn't woken me up before. He usually didn't let me sleep much during daylight.

"Hey, what are you watching?" I asked, sitting down next to him.

Carlisle turned off the TV and faced me, his face torn by emotions. _Uh-oh, this can't be good._

"Jasper, I have some news," he said. I held my breath, thinking about the worst possibilities.

"Edward...," he paused because my face was probably registering the pain I felt at hearing his name. "He emailed me his number. He's in New York, and he wants to talk to you." He handed me a small piece of paper with a phone number on it.

Once the shock had passed, I closed my opened mouth. I took a deep breath and said, "Did he say what he wants to talk about?"

Carlisle shook his head and took my hand. "You don't have to see him, Jasper. I know Edward means a lot to you, but I'm not sure that you're ready. You've barely started a life here."

I shook my head, but I didn't know why. Seeing Edward again seemed like a very dangerous, yet appealing idea. "I don't know, Carlisle. What if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to help now?"

"Do you really think you can handle being with Edward, right now?" he asked.

I pulled my hand away from his and answered, "I don't know, but I don't think I can live with the uncertainty of knowing that I could have had Edward back." I stood up and started pacing beside the coffee table.

A couple of minutes passed before Carlisle spoke again. "If that's really what you want, I'm with you." I could see the uncertainty in Carlisle's eyes, but it wasn't his decision to make.

I stopped moving and looked at him. "Thank you. I appreciate it." I left the room.

Sitting on the bed, I wasn't sure what to do. I stared at the little piece of paper for a long time, weighing the pros and cons. I wanted to see Edward, but after what happened at the session with the doctor, I had to ask myself if I was ready. I couldn't even talk about Alec, how could be ready to see Edward?

In the end, after a lot of thinking, I realized that the second Carlisle said Edward's name, the decision was already made. I had to see Edward. I had to talk to him, to see if he was okay.

Once I made up my mind, a couple of minutes were necessary to decide when and where I was going to meet him.

_The sooner the better_, I told myself. I opted for a random bar downtown I used to like. I would be comfortable that way. I grabbed my phone and quickly typed the message. _This is a bad idea_. I knew it was, but I couldn't help it. Edward wanted to see me. Meeting with him was the least I could do.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I was nursing my drink quietly when he entered the bar. My breath caught in my throat and my hands were shaking, but I smiled broadly.

Edward approached slowly. He was even more beautiful than I remembered. I couldn't hear my thoughts over the loud pounding in my chest.

He stopped at my table and did the one thing I couldn't resist. He gave me _the smile_; the one that blinded my thoughts and made me crazy hard.

_Oh God, I'm so fucked!_

_**/*/*/**_


	18. Chapter 18

**EPOV**

I exited the subway, with my entire body shaking. I didn't even know how I got there. Walking down the street, my heart was beating madly, covering every sound of the city. My feet were moving automatically, as if my body was telling me that I had to do this.

My mind, on the contrary, tried to find any reason not to go. _This was a mistake_, I kept telling myself, and I knew it was. Everything with Jasper had always been complicated, too complicated. He was not ready for me -for _us_. Even after all those months apart, the situation didn't feel right. Something felt wrong; I had a bad feeling about this evening.

When I entered the bar, I immediately spotted him. Jasper was sitting in the middle of the room. His hair was longer, pulled back behind his ears, and he wore a midnight blue shirt.

A second passed. He raised his head and our eyes locked. The world stopped. The music, the talking, my breath, my thoughts, it was all frozen. Nothing existed except for us. He looked good, beautiful, even more than in France. The bar was filled with candles and soft lighting which created a calm intimate atmosphere.

Jasper smiled and a rush of memories of Paris and our time together flooded my mind. I suddenly became very aware of the context of our meeting. After I turned my back on Jasper in Paris, selfishly refusing to help him, I found myself with Jasper in New York in a bar for drinks. Why he had agreed to see me was beyond my understanding.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and walked to his table. I put on my emotionless mask. I couldn't decide if I should smile back or if I should run away. My emotions were all over the place and Jasper couldn't see me freak out. I had to be there for him. Despite my reluctance, this had to work. I needed it to work. If our time apart taught me one thing, it was that life was better when Jasper was around. I felt alive with him and that was something rare.

Once I was near the table, I smiled, deciding that I should let him know that I was happy to be there. When he blushed in return, my smile grew and a wave of heat travelled down my body. I was amazed by my reaction to Jasper. It had been so long since my body reacted this way to someone. I missed it. This was what I enjoyed the most about love; it could make you feel on top of the world, as if you were invisible. Unfortunately, it also could take you down and leave you completely destroyed. Love is a bet on life. It's the greatest thrill. You play your heart, close your eyes and hope for the best.

"Hi," Jasper said softly. My thoughts nearly masked his words. "Do you want something to drink?"

I sat in the chair in front of him and answered, "I'll have a beer."

Jasper called the waiter and placed our order.

A few awkward moments followed where neither of us talked. I was playing with my fingers, watching the ground.

Jasper was the first to break the silence. "So, New York... Where do you live?"

I let out a sigh. I didn't know what I had expected but, given the fact that even when we'd been sleeping together, most times our level of conversation was close to zero, it was weird to make small talk with Jasper.

"I-I live with my parents," I answered. He raised an eyebrow. "After I left Paris, I thought it was better to go to my family. I hadn't seen them for a long time... but everything is fine now."

Jasper's eyes were filled with concern and worry, but he didn't push. "Are you working?"

"Yeah, I got a job at an online paper downtown. It doesn't pay much but it keeps me busy," I said, nonchalantly.

"How come you don't work in a hospital anymore? Didn't you like being a medical physicist?"

I shrugged. Honestly, I didn't know why I'd stopped. Back in Paris, I'd wanted to leave and change, but time kind of opened my eyes. Sure, the responsibilities were huge but it kept me on the hedge, always pushed me to do my best. When I arrived in the States, my main activity had been getting my family back together and resting. Once it had driven me crazy staying at home all day long, I'd wanted an easy, stress free job. I didn't even think about the hospital.

Jasper didn't say anything for a few seconds, so I questioned him back. "How 'bout you? Still with Carlisle?"

"Yeah, I live with Carlisle and his partner, Charlie. They had a spare room so... I work at a bakery near their apartment," he said, without making any eye contact, his stare on his glass.

Hesitantly, I asked, "And how are _you_?"

Jasper waited a moment before answering. "I-I guess I'm okay. I-" he started.

"Here's your drinks, gentlemen." The waiter cut Jasper's sentence and placed our drinks on the table.

After he left, I looked at Jasper and he seemed hesitant. "You were saying..." I pushed.

"I see a doctor... for my problems... we talk and try to deal with... what happened. This is why I agreed to see you. I need to apologize, Edward." I couldn't hide the disappointment from my face. _This_ was why he agreed to meet with me. All my hope crashed down in one second. "I have so many regrets about how I handled things in Paris. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. I've been thinking a lot about..."

I tried to act normal, as if his words didn't affect me, nodding in the right places, but inside, my heart was breaking. Jasper didn't come here because he wanted to be with me. He only wanted to clear his mind. I already knew he was sorry and that he didn't mean to act the way he had that night. His apologies weren't necessary. As a matter of fact, I should be the one who was sorry. I let him down.

"... what you've done. You were the one that gave me the force to be better, and for that I will always be grateful," Jasper finished, a small smile on his face.

I wasn't sure how to respond. Hearing that Jasper was well and in a good place was good news, but also a stab in the heart. All my hopes and desires were crushed. I had to let go of this crazy idea of Jasper and me together as a couple.

A very uncomfortable silence followed. Jasper's smile transformed into a sad expression. I tried to find something to say, but I couldn't. There was nothing left to say after that.

"So... do you plan on staying in the States?" Jasper asked, his eyes back on his drink.

"I don't know," I said coldly. Without thinking, I added, "I heard there is a job offer as a physicist in the south of France." I wanted to hurt him, to see the pain of my departure in his feature.

Jasper's head shot up, his eyes searching mine. "In the south of France? Wh-When will you be leaving?"

A small hope gushed in my heart. "I'm not sure. Soon probably. The job doesn't start for another couple of months, but I'd like to settle down before," I said, trying my best to be casual.

"Oh," Jasper started. "And... y-you want to go?" His head was down, but his eyes were staring at me.

"I don't know, Jasper," I said, honestly. "It seems like a good opportunity. Good place, good money, I don't want to spend my life here. I love my parents and Rosie, but I've been on the road for so long, never been in the same place for more than a year. It's hard to stop, and-" I stopped, unsure that I should continue.

"And, what? Tell me," Jasper insisted.

I swallowed my pride and caught Jasper's eyes. "And since I have nothing here that can hold me back, I can go without a second thought, right?"

He didn't reply. After unbearable seconds, embarrassed, my eyes found a new interest in the corner of the table, but hope was still rising inside me. I wanted him to tell me not to go, to ask me to stay and give us a chance. I wanted it so much.

Jasper's voice was a murmur when he answered, "I can't, Edward."

I closed my eyes, trying unsuccessfully to stop pangs in my chest. I already suspected what he was going to say, but it hurt regardless.

"My life is barely on the right track, Edward. I want to be with you, to tell you to stay, but I can't. I can't ask you to wait for something that might never happen. It would be selfish to ask you to wait." Jasper sighed and continued, "Believe me, I want you more than anyone, but I can't trust myself around you. I hurt you before and I'm scared it'll happen again if we do this now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go." He tried to grab my hand but stopped midway.

I half chuckled-half whimpered and said, "So, it's really a no." I shifted uncomfortably on my seat, eyeing the front door.

Seeing me, Jasper took my hand this time and said, "Edward, please." I didn't understand what he wanted. "Please, can't we be friends?"

I almost snorted at his question. How in the hell could I be friends with Jasper? "I don't think so." I answered, almost harshly. "I don't want to be your friend, Jasper. I want _you_. I've wanted you since the second I met you. Even tonight, after all this time, the moment I saw you I wanted you. We can't be friends. It's too much to ask. I'm sorry but it's all or nothing."

Pain registered in Jasper's feature and I knew this was it. He wouldn't change his mind. I needed to get out of here. My chest hurt, my ears were buzzing, and my breathing was laboured. My body broke into small pieces. I clenched my fist, hoping to keep myself together long enough for me to get out of here.

"I'm gonna go now," I said, while standing up and grabbing my coat. I reached in my back pocket and took out twenty bucks.

When I was turned to leave, Jasper put a hand on my arm. "Wait."

I jerked my arm away and said, "Wait for what?"

"We can't go apart like this, not again," Jasper said softly. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I think you should take the job. France suits you. I think you'd be happy in the south." He smiled and grabbed a napkin. "Excuse me, do you have a pen?" He asked a waiter who passed by.

While he wrote something on the napkin, I didn't move. My body and my mind were petrified. I could break down at any second.

After a moment, Jasper handed me the paper and I read it. "This is my phone number and my email. I don't want us to grow apart. If you ever feel the desire to use it, don't hesitate because I won't."

With the napkin still in my hands, he closed the distance between us and hugged me. His arms encircled my shoulders, bringing my body against his. My hands were pressed between us, I couldn't move. Jasper's head was buried in my neck. The proximity of his lips to my skin caused a shiver to travel down my body.

After a moment, Jasper raised his head and looked at me, his arms still around me. His warm breath caressed my face. "I could have loved you, Edward," he whispered, his lips barely moving.

I swallowed hard and blinked. Jasper broke the rest of my heart with those simple words. I was frozen, bewitched by him. No words exited my mouth. What could I add? The guy basically told me to leave the country and then said something like that. It was unfair.

I gently pushed him away and turned around, walking through the door.

Once outside, I realized I was grasping the napkin tightly. I looked at the letters and numbers written on it for a second. _What does it mean? Why did he give me this? _Unable to find an answer, I folded it and putting it in my wallet. I walked down the street and took the subway to go home.

Strangely, in the train that brought me back to my parents' house, I didn't think about Jasper much. My mind was surprisingly filled with the idea of going back to France and to tell the truth, I was a bit excited by it. Even though things in Paris had ended pretty badly, I liked France. I felt at ease there. There was something with the French people that made me comfortable.

When the train arrived at my stop, I had everything planned. I'd call Alice and see if she could recommend me for a job interview. I'd also have to check my visa and passport.

Once I had something in my mind, it was impossible to get it out of my head. Nothing was holding me back. Jasper tried to build a new life and even if it hurt to know that he didn't want me in his life as a lover, I could understand his point of view. But could I be Jasper's friend? If I moved to France, it would complicate things, but it would also allow me to have some perspective on our situation. Maybe staying in touch through email wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Lying in my bed that night, I had made up my mind. It was time to move on, time to let go of the past and look forward. Living with my parents, working in a dead-end job, it had to stop. Now that things were good with my folks, I had to do what was right for me, even if that meant being away from Jasper.

* * *

_ Seven weeks later_

* * *

"This is it, Rosie," I said, kneeling in front of my little sister. She raised her arms in the air with tears in her eyes. "I'm going to miss you, sweetie." I pressed her against my chest.

"Why do you have to go?" She said, her voice muffled in my shirt.

"I have a new job. I have to move out." My hand caressed her hair. "But you'll come see me soon. Mom and Dad are planning a visit in a couple of months. We'll see each other in no time."

I hugged Rosalie for a few minutes until she stopped crying. When I let her go, she ran in Mom's legs, hugging one tight.

"All right, everything's loaded," my dad said, putting an arm around my mother. "We better get going if you don't want to miss your flight."

"I'll go grab my backpack," I said.

In my room, I checked everything for the tenth time. Passport, Visa, phone, iPod, and wallet, all set. Leaning against the door frame, I looked around in my room and felt a twinge in my heart. It had been practically a year since I moved back in this room. I clearly remembered how scared I had been the day I came back. Thankfully, in the end, it was for the best. My relationship with my parents was better than ever and I had an adorable sister.

A hand slipped onto my shoulder. "We're going to miss you," my mother said.

I turned around and hugged her. "Tell me I don't have to worry, that you'll call," she said, sadness filling her voice.

I tightened my grip around her. "I promise it won't happen again," I replied, making sure she heard the truth in my voice.

We broke apart when a very impatient Rosalie called us. She had a dance lesson in half an hour and she was the most punctual little girl I knew.

At the front door, with my backpack on my shoulder, I held my mother close when I heard her sniffing. "Don't worry, we'll see each other very soon," I tried to comfort her.

"I know, these are just mother's tears," she said.

I held Mom's hand while I knelt in front of Rosie, who was hiding behind my mother. "You, be nice with them," I said, pointing at our parents. "Can I get a hug?" My puppy face worked every time. She jumped in my arms and I lifted her. My mother squeezed my hand tight. I knew she had been anxious about Rosie and me at the beginning. She'd been afraid that we would hate each other, think of the other as a rival. So seeing Rosalie and me together made her happy.

"Alright, we have to go, Edward," my dad called.

With one last kiss, I left my mother and sister on the porch, waving at me until I was out of sight.

* * *

Once at the airport, I checked in, keeping only my laptop with me. There was a little time left before boarding so my dad and I decided to have a coffee.

When we were seated, I checked once again that I hadn't forgotten something.

"Stop it, Edward," my father interrupted. "You already looked. You have everything you need. Just drink your coffee and relax." I nodded and dropped my bag on the floor.

"So..." Dad started, "Did you call the woman for the apartment?"

"Yeah, we're supposed to meet tomorrow afternoon, tomorrow morning for you," I said. "And before you ask, I reserved a car; I have papers in my bag. Don't worry my driving licence is working in France. I also reserved a room in a hotel at Grasse and wrote down the directions to it, so I won't be lost when I arrive."

My father chuckled lightly. "You should have said that to your mother. She's going to be crazy until you call us."

"_The passengers for flight 4128... to Nice... is now... open..." _

"I think it's my flight," I said, checking the number. "Yeah, that's mine. I'd better go. I still have to go through security."

We stood up and Dad paid for the coffee. We walked together through the airport until we had to part.

"You take care of yourself, son," my father said, hugging me. "Don't forget to call us when you get there."

I nodded, smiling. After a few seconds, I straightened my backpack, took out my flight ticket and passport and turned around.

Just before he was out of sight, I looked at my dad and waved. He was sad. We hadn't talked about it but I knew he was more shaken by my leaving than what he let show. There was a twinge in my heart that I tried to ignore, telling myself that I'd see him soon and that it wouldn't be like last time.

* * *

Just when I was about to board, my phone rang. Text message. I took out my phone. It was from Jasper.

After we last saw each other at the bar, it had taken me two weeks before sending him an email. Since then, we had exchanged email and text, keeping in touch almost daily. It was weird in the beginning, communicating with Jasper without ever really speaking; but quickly, I looked forward to hearing from him about his day.

_Have a nice flight, Edward. I hope that you living in France won't ruin our new friendship. Call me when you get there. Love, J_

I smiled and turned on the flight mode on my phone. The twinge in my heart was back. I stopped dead. Doubts flooded in me. Was I making the right choice by leaving my family and Jasper? It had been so good between us. Jasper might be right. Leaving might destroy our friendship and my relationship with my parents. Plus, was it a good idea to start over again? New work, new town, new friends, was it worth the trouble?

As soon as this feeling arrived, it was already gone. This wasn't a mistake. Somehow, I knew it wasn't. It was how it was supposed to be.

Of course, I was sad to leave New York, my family and friends, and Jasper, but it was for the best. Plus, it wasn't a goodbye. This time I wasn't leaving chasing the unknown, this time I was leaving chasing fate. And I didn't even realize yet how true it was.__


	19. Chapter 19

**EPOV**

* * *

_I was sad to leave New York, my family and friends, and Jasper, but it was for the best. Plus, it wasn't a goodbye. This time I wasn't leaving chasing the unknown, this time I was leaving chasing fate. And I didn't even realize yet how true it was._

* * *

It had been four months since I started working in Grasse and I couldn't have been happier. I loved it here. Work was so different from what I was doing in Paris. Of course, there were still responsibilities, but in this hospital, it was shared out between three physicists. Plus, whereas in the Institute my work was reduce to only ENT cancers, here I could treat every type of cancer. It was refreshing, I felt less bored. Even if there wasn't any high technology available here, it was nice to come back to the basis of being a medical physicist: helping people.

My life outside of work was also great. Rapidly after my arrival, I met Florian at work. He was a nurse. We went out for drinks and quickly became friends. He showed me the good bars and where to hang out. He also introduced me to some of his friends and now we met once a week for drinks in Nice.

There was nothing romantic between Florian and me. He had a girlfriend that he planned to propose to on New Year's Eve. Besides, I wasn't interested in a relationship right now. I hooked up with a couple of guys I met in a gay bar, but it was just about release. I barely remembered their faces.

My parents visited me with Rosie after I moved to "enjoy the south of France", but I knew they were scared that I cut them off again. It seemed their visit put their doubts at ease because my mother's nearly daily calls stopped after that. I still planned to spend Christmas in New York and they were supposed to come back in February to ski in the Alps, so it must have helped too.

I had a rather small apartment. There was a bedroom, a living room with my computer in the corner, and a separate kitchen. It was nice and cozy. I didn't have much space, but it was enough for me. Although it was a challenge when my parents had visited.

Jasper and I stayed in touch after I moved from New York, but there was something missing. We didn't really talk, just talking to each other about work, the last movie we saw, or the book we were reading. The discussions were always light. He never told me about his progress in therapy or anything love related. I figured that when he was ready, he'd talk to me.

One day after work, I was on my way to the bakery for a baguette when instead, I found myself buying cigarettes at a shop down by my place. I didn't know why but I was suddenly craving one.

Back in my apartment, cigarette and lighter in hands, I poured myself a glass of red wine. The baguette was long forgotten. I sat down on my balcony and smoked quietly.

Memories came back to me. _Jasper was__ on the balcony, resting against the living room window. He slowly took a drag of his cigarette. The smell was intoxicating, clouding my thoughts. His face was only lighted by the outside's world. Jasper saw me staring and without even looking at me, he smiled… one of those smiles that made my knees tremble and stomach clench. His smooth voice resonated through my body. "See something you like, handsome?" _

It seemed like it happened only yesterday. I could remember the day perfectly, it was engraved in my mind. Jasper's presence always blurred my thoughts. He had this power over me. I felt exhilarated and lightheaded when he was here. He bewitched me from the first seconds. I had wanted him so much.

While I lit my second cigarette, my mind continued to replay this memory over and over. I clung to it. I was afraid that if I let go, the feeling would go away forever.

I remembered every sensation I felt that night. It was the first one I spent with Jasper. I had been so afraid. It was the first time my mind finally let go and simply enjoyed. Being attached to the bed with Jasper using me for his pleasure was so exciting. Every nerve in my body felt alive. Forcing myself not to come, being unable to move or do anything without Jasper's approval was mind-blowing. Even if the night hadn't ended ideally with Jasper leaving me just after he'd come, with time I only kept the good part.

Finishing my cigarette, I stood up and made my way to the computer. All those memories got me pretty horny so I opened the internet window and went to my favorite porn site.

After I watched two videos of two blond twinks fucking, I was still unsatisfied. I searched for other videos but didn't find anything interesting until one video caught my eye. It was a bondage video. The image only showed a man on his knees, his hands held up to the ceiling by a rope with his mouth around a guy's cock. I blushed a little at the image. It was enough to make my dick twitch. Somehow I wasn't sure why, but I had never watched this type of video before. I knew it was there, but I never worked up to courage of explore this kind of desire. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and clicked on the link.

It was the beginning of the end. Once I watched this video, I couldn't stop. I browsed "gay BDSM" on Google and discovered this whole new world. The more videos I watched, the more I wanted. By the end, my hand was glued to my dick, pumping constantly. I couldn't let go. I came three times in an hour, every time thinking it was the last. Watching all those guys surrender and give away to their Master was incredible. Whether it was someone being flogged or being tied up and fucked, I envied them. Jealousy ran through my veins. How could they trust someone so entirely with their body? How could a sub know their master wouldn't hurt them? It didn't take much to cross the line. I guessed it was part of the thrill. I wondered if Jasper and I had stayed together, would this have been our future?

In my research, I learned that parties were organized often where Doms could meet subs and vice versa. On a forum, I met this guy, Demetri, who lived in Nice. He told me that there would be a party next week in Monaco. He gave me the number of the organizer, saying that there had to be a background check and an interview before being allowed the entrance. Without thinking, I made a note of the number and shut down the computer. The idea of going to the party was very appealing, but could I really go? Could I really imagine myself being a sub for someone other than Jasper? I needed to think about it.

The next evening, after spending all day obsessed by the idea, I sat down in my couch and dialed the number. Someone answered right away.

"Bonjour, Bureau des Volturi's. Comment puis-je vous aider?" A secretary answered. I could have answered her in French, but I was more comfortable speaking English if it was possible.

"Bonjour, est-ce que vous parlez anglais? " After she told me it was good, I continued in English. "Hi, I'd like to have a pass for next week's party in Monaco. Friday, I think." My voice sounded hesitant.

"Yes, the only party we plan next week is on Friday. This is a club member only soiree. Is someone recommended you?" She asked.

I wasn't sure it was okay to give his name, but I still answered, "Demetri told me about it."

She didn't say anything for a minute. I heard her type on her computer. "Alright, I have an opening tomorrow afternoon at three pm. Is that good for you?"

"Opening for what?" I asked, but she sighed heavily so I quickly added, "Four would be better. I'm off work at two." Thankfully, I was supposed to work in the morning.

"Okay, but don't be late, Monsieur Aro has a meeting at five thirty. What's your name?" She said.

After I gave her my name, address, and phone number, she told me that I needed to bring a check of seventy euros for the ticket's price.

"Excuse me for asking, but what exactly is going to happen tomorrow?" I asked, trying my best to be polite.

"Demetri didn't tell you, right?" She said, annoyed and muttered, "Quel petit con celui-là, il invite vraiment n'importe qui!" I forced myself not to laugh at her words. Fortunately, she continued, "I'm going to do research about you, see if you have a criminal record or anything that could put our members in danger. It allows you to be certain that every person you'll meet next week is only here for entertainment. Tomorrow's interview will give our director the opportunity to see what you are looking for and how much experience you have. Plus, you will sign a confidentiality contract aiming to protect important persons that may participate," she said.

"It seems like a lot of security," I said to myself.

"This is all for your protection," she answered, her voice rising slightly. "These special evenings attract all kind of persons, and not always the right ones. In fifteen years that we've organized these soirees, we have never had any problems. The most important thing is safety, but if you're not interested-"

"No, it's not that," I interrupted her. "It's just that I wasn't excepting that. Please, accept my apologies. Believe me, I know security is important." A flash of Jasper passed in my mind and I wondered if the word "safety" really existed in this world.

"Alright, Mr. Cullen," she said, calmer. "If you have to cancel the meeting, please do it before noon. Otherwise, I will see you tomorrow."

Before I hung up, I asked her for the office's address in Monaco and if I had to bring anything beside the check.

"Just yourself," she answered. "Have a good evening." She disconnected before I even had the chance to reply.

Once I put the phone down, I realized what I got myself into. Why did I make this call? Was it really something that I wanted? I wasn't sure. This party was quickly becoming a test to see if BDSM life was something that I really liked. With or without Jasper.

* * *

_A week later, Friday night_

All my resolutions broke down when I arrived at the party. I was pretty nervous. It was in a house, or should I say mansion. Everything was intimidating here. The security let me in after a quick check to see if I had weapons.

My meeting last Saturday with Mr. Aro had been horrible. When he started to talk about whips, paddles, butt plugs and what type of restraint I liked, I burst out of the room. I was so not ready to explore this part of me, especially not alone. If Jasper was here, it would be different. I could hold on to him, he would teach me everything and initiate me step by step, but going to a party, alone, surrounded by strangers. There was no way.

In the parking lot, my car key in hand, I saw Mr. Aro walking toward me.

"Please, Edward, wait," he said, once in front of me. "I didn't mean to frighten you. Those questions are necessary to understand your personality. We are a private club in which you enter by recommendation only and… let just say that Demetri hadn't sent us the most reliable person in the past." I didn't say anything and he continued, "Come Friday, watch and see. I'll put you on the list. You don't have to participate. Just test the waters." He hesitated a second and said, "I see a great potential in you. Although I'm not sure which side you are on." I blushed at his comment.

I thought about it for a second and nodded. I had to do it. Hypothetically, in my fantasies, I was attracted to this type of life but I had to know if this was something I would like in real life. My short introduction with Jasper didn't last long enough for me to make up my mind.

Back in the house, a woman approached me. She was half-naked, wearing black silk underwear with a garter belt and high Louboutin heels. Her bra was finished by lace that barely covered her flat stomach. Her face was hidden behind a Venetian mask. She was beautiful.

"Bonsoir, Edward, je m'appelle Marion. Je suis votre hôtesse pour ce soir," she said, guiding me to the cloakroom.

"Hello," I said, indicating her that I didn't speak French.

She smiled. "My name is Marion. I'll be your hostess for the evening. You can leave your coat here. Marissa will give it back to you when you'll leave."

"Thank you," I said, taking off my coat.

"Come with me, I'll show you the different rooms and explain their specialties." She grabbed my arm and headed to the main room.

"Do you do this for everyone?" I asked, a little uncomfortable.

"Yes, for newcomers. Monsieur Aro assigned me to you. He told me you want to observe this time and enjoy what we can offer. Are you looking for something specific?" She whispered in my ear, her breath warming my neck.

"Y-No, I mean, I don't know. What do you mean by specific?" I was getting pretty nervous.

"I mean, do you like the company of men or women? Do you want hardcore, like cages and double penetration or something soft like nipple clamps and riding crops?" I stopped walking and looked at her.

I didn't even know what to say. There was a part of me that wanted to pull away from her grip and fly out this house, but there was this other part, rising from the depths of my mind. It had been buried for so long. I was scared, not for my safety, but for how much I would like it. Once I got a taste of something, I couldn't let go.

_I could do this. It's what I want, what I wanted for a long time. This is not the time to chicken out_, I thought, trying to convince myself.

I took a deep breath and put on my mask of confidence. "I'd like to begin with something soft… on the man side." My breathing was erratic and my palms began to sweat.

"Alright, let's go this way." She guided me through a small door at the back of the house.

"Is there anything to drink?" I asked, hoping that I could get some liquid courage.

"Sorry, as long as you're part of the event, alcohol is not allowed. Although, when you're done with the festivities, there is a bar beside the pool. You can go there to relax. It gives a nice transition before going back to the 'real world'," she said, dragging me along a corridor.

I could hear the faint noise getting louder. My ears were filled with moans.

We arrived in a small lounge with big cushions on either side of the room. The walls were covered with burgundy curtains. In front of me, there was a door.

"Before, we enter, do you want a mask?" The hostess asked me.

I thought about it for a second, but since I was new here and didn't know anyone, it was unnecessary. I shook my head.

"Do you need a few minutes?" I knew she was giving me a way out, and even if I wanted to,

I couldn't take it. There was no turning back now. I needed answers, and this was the perfect opportunity. Of course, I wished that Jasper was with me, but he wasn't. Deep down, I wasn't sure I would want him with me. This was about me, about what _I_ wanted, what _I_ desired.

"Shall we go in?" Marion asked, reaching out for my hand.

I took a deep breath and pushed all my fears aside. My hand found Marion's and she opened the door. Without a second thought, I walked in the room. My whole body was buzzing under the anticipation. This was going to be an important night in my life, I could feel it. It was the night. The night where I finally could let go and be myself.

* * *

_A month later _

My life settled down nicely after the evening in Monaco. Work was good. I had pretty difficult cancers to treat but nothing stressful like in Paris. All in all, I liked my life in the south of France. It was sunny, warm, and calm. The only black spot was Jasper. As the weeks passed, Jasper's emails became shorter. That scared me a little, but I tried to dismiss it by telling myself that he must be busy, that he might have problems at work or with Carlisle. Of course, it didn't work. I had a knot in my stomach every time I checked my email.

About two weeks before Christmas, I was booking my flight for New York when an email popped in my box. It was from Jasper.

_Hey,_

_I just want you to let you know that I'll be in France for a vacation. Time to visit the folks. I hope you're doing great. Let me know if we can see each other. _

_Jasper_

_Talk about a short email_, I thought. What was I supposed to do? Cancel with my parents and meet with him? I promised them that I'd be in New York for Christmas and New Year's Eve. Maybe I could still go for Christmas and be back in France in time to see Jasper. But how long was he staying? Would he be still here for the New Year? Wouldn't he be with his parents? I was getting angry. Just because Jasper was in France, why did I have to change my plans to follow his wishes? Fuck that, I couldn't let myself be affected by a simple email, even if it was from Jasper.

I opened a new email and wrote an answer.

_Hey yourself, stranger,_

_I'm leaving for New York for the holidays. I'll be back January second. How long are you supposed to stay? We can see each other when I'm back, otherwise, maybe next time. Let me know. _

_E~_

I sent it, proud of myself. I didn't cave. Jasper had been distant for weeks. Why would I ditch my parents for him? Sure, I wanted to see him, know about his life, but he had to understand that he couldn't ignore me and expect me to turn my life upside down for him. It had been so long since I spent Christmas in New York. I wanted to be with them, decorate the tree with my mum, go ice skating with Rosie, and go shopping with my dad for Mom's presents. I missed my parents and Rosie. Anyway, my decision was already made. I just had to stick to my plan.

* * *

New York had been great; I had a wonderful time there. I forgot how great it was to be with my family for the holidays. In the past, either I had been working, or I had traveled. It was a nice change.

For New Year's Eve, we all went to the Brooklyn Bridge to see the fireworks show. It was a little tradition in the family. At one part in the evening, I took Rosie apart to give my parents a little privacy. She was in awe in front of the lights, but she still clung to my leg when the noise started. Seeing all those families and couples made me a little sad. I had no one to share this with or to kiss at midnight. I wondered where Jasper was.

After my last email, Jasper didn't reply. He sent me a text to wish me a happy Christmas, but other than that, nothing. I didn't know if he was still in France, or if things were good with his parents. I knew he hadn't seen them for a few years, but he was still in contact with them. It must have been hard to see them after all this time.

I contemplated calling him, but thought otherwise. I was afraid of being rejected. Jasper was clearly moving on with his life and didn't want me anymore. If that was his wish, it was okay. I only wanted his happiness, that was what mattered.

While I was waiting to get my bags at the airport in Nice, my phone buzzed. Thinking it was my parents checking on me, I didn't answer. I'd call them when I was home.

Later, my bag in hand, I headed to the parking lot to get my car. My phone buzzed again. Exasperated, I sighed and checked my phone once in the car.

_I'm still here. Want to see you. J_

"Fuck," I screamed. "Why does he do this?" I asked to myself. I couldn't believe he was still in France. What was I supposed to do? Call him, text him, or ignore him? I was shaking my head. _No, definitely not ignore him. I should call him. Yeah, call him. This way I could analyze his reaction better._ My heartbeat started to increase at the thought of hearing Jasper's voice.

My trembling hands searched for his number and I pressed the green button. After four rings, he picked up. "Edward?"

"Hi, Jasper," I said.

He didn't say anything back. I cleared my voice and continued, "I got your message. You're still in the south of France?"

"Yes, I arrived for Christmas." He sounded hesitant. "Can we see each other?" He made it sound like he wasn't sure I'd want to.

"Yeah, I just landed from New York. We could see each other at a café in Cannes… or you can come to my place if you prefer, there's a little bistro nearby," I said.

"Are you sure I won't bother you? You must be tired. Maybe next we-" I interrupted him.

"No, no, don't worry about that. I had plenty of sleep in the plane. Just give me some time to clean up and change and we can meet after." That was a huge lie, I was wiped out. Sleeping on the plane was impossible. The baby next to me apparently hated flying.

"Okay then," Jasper said. "Mmm, it's three pm. We could meet around six. Will that give you enough time to change?"

"Six's perfect." I gave him my address and some directions to find my apartment.

"Alright, call me if you're lost," I said sure that my unstoppable smile could be heard through the phone. "I'll see you later."

Jasper hung up. I had to take a deep breath to calm myself. This was unbelievable. Jasper was coming to my place. We were finally going to see each other. All my resolutions from New Years to let Jasper go and live my life were thrown away in the twinkling of an eye. If Jasper wanted me, I sure as hell wouldn't stop him.

I started the car and raced to my apartment. Time could not pass fast enough.

* * *

Three short knocks at the door were all it took to make me panic. I hadn't had time to clean the apartment or even prepare something to eat. When I arrived at my apartment, I was a bundle of nerves. Even after a drink and a cigarette, I couldn't relax. _Why did I ask Jasper to come today?_ It was a mistake; I didn't have time to mentally prepare myself for this situation. If things went wrong, I wasn't sure I could take it.

I could fool myself all I wanted. I still wanted Jasper and the fact that he slowly cut himself off from me hurt. More than I admitted.

For him to be here, after all those months away, it was… I had made a life here, damn it. A life I liked. It was the first time I thought about settling down. Could I really risk all of this for Jasper? Yes.

I put down my cigarette and went open the door.

The second our eyes meet, my heart swelled and I understood. In the last eight months where I hadn't seen him, I wasn't breathing normally. Seeing him right in front of me awoke every feeling I always had for him. It was so powerful and instantaneous that it made me gasp for a few seconds.

"Edward," Jasper said, his arms rising in the air. He took two steps and embraced me tightly. Still in shock, I didn't return his hug, just rested my head on his shoulder and took in his scent.

"I missed you so much," he murmured in my hair.

I closed my eyes, afraid of imagining his words.

A minute passed and Jasper let me go. I felt cold. I wanted to stay with him and be warm again. Wordlessly, I invited him in and we both headed to the living room.

"It's a nice apartment, Edward." The way he said my name made me shiver. It seemed so natural. "Are you planning on staying here?" I thought I detected hope in his voice.

"Probably, I like it here. In fact, I enjoy Grasse a lot. You were right, I think it suits me, as strange as it is," I said.

His light chuckle died rapidly and left an uncomfortable silence.

I cleared my voice and asked, "So, how are you? How did it go with your parents?"

He shifted in the couch and said, "It was good, great even. After the first couple of days of crying and yelling, I think they were both too happy to see me to stay mad at me." He looked around. "I forgot how quiet it is here. It's not necessarily a bad thing." He stopped, thoughtful.

"And how is Car-" I started, but Jasper stopped me by placing a hand on my knee.

"Edward, this is it," he said. "I'm ready." His eyes were fixed on the floor.

My breath was caught in my throat. I couldn't say anything, too distracted by these words: _I'm ready._ I started to pray that they had the same meaning for me as they had for Jasper.

"I have been thinking about this for a long time. I thought you were better off without me. I tried to let you go, but I couldn't. You are all I want. You are the only one I have ever wanted." I whimpered. This was not happening, it had to be my imagination.

"But why did you stopped giving me news? Why did you stopped talk to me?" I asked, vainly trying to control my emotions.

"I knew that you would love it here, I wanted to give you a chance, a clean slate. You couldn't wait for me to be better. I thought it was for the best, but I realize my mistake now," he said, squeezing my knee.

"So, you're okay?" I asked.

"No, but I'll get there. It was not easy, but somehow, I realized that talking about it felt good. I wish I could tell you that it's over, but it's not. I still have some issues about the subject, but I'm good. I want my life back. That's why I'm here. I'm going back to school. I'm a student at the University of Nice. And I want you to be a part of my life. Not taking things to where we left them, but maybe dating would be nice. Going slow and everything," Jasper said, smiling.

I was speechless. Jasper wanted _me_. He was here asking me to go on a _date_. This was surreal. I didn't know what to say. Of course, I wanted him, but did it mean that he stopped being a Dom? What kind of relationship did he want? Would we be Dom and sub, boyfriends, lovers, partners? _Slow down, Edward. The guy just wants a date_, I thought. There would be plenty of time later to think about that. It was only a date, sitting, eating, and drinking. If Jasper wanted to take things slow, I would do it. I would do anything as long as it meant having him in my life.

I placed my hand above his and said, smiling, "So, do you want to start to date tonight?"

He nodded. "But first, give me a kiss?" His voice was full of authority.

I looked at him, shocked. _Maybe Master Jasper isn't totally forgotten_.

"You know, to seal the deal," he added, smirking.

I approached him slowly and lightly grazed my lips against his, letting my breath touch his face. His tongue came out of his mouth and the point moistened my lips. Unable to contain my reaction, I moaned.

Jasper's right hand started to caress my thigh while the other grabbed my neck and brought me closer. I opened my mouth and welcomed Jasper's tongue. He kissed me with such emotions that my heart stopped, waiting to see what was going to happen.

Jasper "sealed the deal" until all the air went out of my body. When we parted, he kissed down on my jawbone leaving ghost of kisses along with him. Once he arrived at my neck, he sucked on it, leaving his mark.

"You taste so good. I missed it," Jasper whispered right in my ear. I closed my eyes and groaned in answer. It felt so good, all my nerves were craving his ministration. He had such power over me.

I tilted my head back, urging him to resume his sucking, licking or whatever he wanted, but I felt him pull back.

Opening my eyes, I sat up straight. Jasper was standing up, looking down at me, smirking. His eyes lingered on my throbbing cock obvious in my pants. He licked his lips.

"Come on, we better go now if we want to eat," he said.

I was so going to get back to him for this teasing. Fortunately for him, I was too ecstatic to be mad at him.

He held out his hand to help me stand and I grabbed it. Once up I was about to let go of his hand when he intertwined our fingers and squeezed my hand.

My body was about to give out under the weight of my emotion. I was overwhelmed with joy and bliss. I should have been reasonable and talked about what it meant, but I didn't want to think about tomorrow and all the questions and doubts. Tonight, Jasper was here, ready to start a relationship with me. It was all that mattered. Everything else was just history.

* * *

_This is it, the last chapter. I __hope you liked it. _

_I want to thank everyone who followed me throughout this adventure. You guys are wonderful _;)

* * *

_Translation: _

"Bonjour, Bureau des Volturi's. Comment puis-je vous aider?" A secretary answered.

"_Hello, Volturi's office. How can I help you?" A secretary answered._

"Demetri didn't tell you, right?" She said, annoyed and muttered, "Quel petit con celui-là, il invite vraiment n'importe qui!"

"_Demetri didn't tell you, right?" She said, annoyed and muttered, "What an asshole this one, he really invites anyone!"_


	20. Epilogue

**EPOV**

_Tonight, Jasper was here, ready to start a relationship with me. It was all that mattered. Everything else was just history._

* * *

_**~-A year later-~**_

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jasper asked me. "This is unlike anything we've done so far." He was nervous. He was always nervous before a scene. In fact, it had taken months before Jasper restrained me during sex.

After New Years, Jasper and I decided to take things slow, meaning we didn't have sex for two months. Jasper couldn't overcome his fear of hurting me. Of course, it didn't stop us from kissing or groping, but after two months of warm up I was about to explode. Hours of talking and endless arguments were necessary, but in the end, my charm worked. Let's just say that once Jasper gets started there's no stopping him, we were constantly doing it. I was insatiable; I needed him all the time. Making love with Jasper was mind-blowing, breath-taking, overwhelming, and basically every superlative you could think of, but I wanted more. There was this part of me that wasn't totally satisfied.

Things had changed after that soiree in Monaco. I knew I couldn't ignore this part of me anymore. I wanted it, my body needed it, but with Jasper back in my life I knew it wouldn't happen. He had been through so much, how could I impose this on him? Yes, I wanted some kind of domination in my life, but I wanted Jasper more.

In the beginning, it was enough. Jasper was here. Our relationship became stronger every day that passed. We got along so well, we practically lived together from the beginning.

Jasper introduced me to his parents during the first month of our relationship. I was a little scared at first because I had never done this before. Thankfully, his parents were so happy to have Jasper back that they welcomed me with open arms. They didn't speak English, but since my French was getting better, we understood each other quite well.

Jasper eventually told me everything about his life, from his childhood in France to his lost years in Paris before he met me. I told him about my past too, explaining the relationship I had with my family and why I decided to leave them at a young age to "explore the world." Jasper never judged me; he always listened and understood my choices. It was in these moments that I realized the meaning of partners. Jasper shared his life with me, we were facing our problems together. I admired him, he was the strongest person I knew.

With time, the images in my mind became harder to ignore. Slowly, they invaded my brain; thoughts of spanking, controlling, and… submission. The more I tried to ignore them, the more they were present. It was all I could think of. I became obsessed with it until Jasper started to notice something.

Jasper being Jasper confronted me, but I was afraid to talk about it. Our relationship was so great; I didn't want to ruin everything because of sexual thoughts. Of course, he insisted and I caved. I told him everything, but I didn't have the reaction I was expecting.

"… pressure. This is not an obligation, it's just this idea in my head that won't leave. I don't want to force you into anything that you don't want or aren't ready for. Just give it time, it will go away," I tried to convince him.

Jasper nodded. "Hmm, Carlisle said it would happen," he said, thoughtful, his fingers holding his chin.

_What the hell?_ I waited and waited for him to say something else, but nothing. He stayed in his thoughts for a couple of minutes, before he stood up, mumbling, "Gonna make a sandwich. Want one?"

I watched him, mouth open and nodded. _Let him think about it, _I thought._ You don't want to push him. He just needs time to digest it. _At least, I hoped.

Two weeks after, I got the handcuffs, and what a night! It was one for the books. I came five times before passing out. The second I saw the little toy swinging back and forth on Jasper's finger, I let out a sigh of joy. Jasper was back with me. I didn't have to worry about fulfilling my desire anymore. Even if it would take time, we would get there. Jasper and I could have a healthy, loving relationship, plus a side of kinky sex.

Now, almost a year had passed and it still wasn't perfect, but we were getting there. After long talks Jasper and I decided that we didn't want a Master/submissive relationship, or at least, not in a normal way. I still submitted to him, but only when we were in a scene. We established that there wouldn't be more than two sessions per week, and we had to talk about it before we started if we wanted to try new things.

That was what brought us there at the kitchen table. Ever since that night in Monaco, I wanted to try something. It had been so arousing to witness it. I would have never thought in my wildest dreams that I would have the courage to ask Jasper, but my body clearly wanted it that night. The idea seeded in my head and now was the perfect time. We hadn't done anything new since the butt plug and it had been a month ago.

"I know it's new, but since that first time in Monaco, I've wanted to try it. It's so sexy. This combination of hurt and pleasure, it's…" I shook my head. "I can't describe it. I want it, Jasper," I said.

"I know it's hot, but I'm not sure we're ready. This is _not_ like some of the light things we've done so far. It's flogging. It's me holding a whip and using it on you. What if I can't control my force and hurt you?" I was losing him.

"You won't." I tried to make my voice as convincing as I could. "You know how to use it. Carlisle taught you. This is not something new for you. And even if you did hurt me, this is why we have a safe word. We can even use the green, yellow, red code if it'll put you at ease." I stood up and went sitting on his lap, straddling him. My hands were immediately around his neck, caressing it lightly. Jasper's arms encircled me and his face burrowed in my shoulder.

"I don't want to hurt you," he murmured, his voice muffled.

"You won't," I said. "We'll be safe, as always." My fingers were massaging his skin.

"You don't play fair, you know," he chuckled.

His lips kissed their way up my neck, until they closed around my ear lobe, lightly sucking.

"Oh God, Jasper," I moaned, trying to move my hips against his.

"Edward," he panted right in my ear. "Am I not enough for you?" He said the words so softly that I almost missed them.

I stopped moving all at once and cupped his head. "What are you talking about?" He wasn't looking at me. I leaned forward and pressed our forehead together. "You are everything to me. I love our life together." My left hand caressed his cheek. "You're my best friend, my lover. You are all I want."

I slightly moved my hips. Jasper was hard. "If you tell me that you don't want it, I'll stop," I said. "The idea of flogging me." I increased my rhythm. "The control you have on my body, the thrill of having me at your mercy." My right hand palmed his cock. "I _know_ you want it. This tells me you want it." I squeezed his shaft and Jasper gasped softly.

"Edward," he sounded so desperate. Our lips met naturally, trying to express the force of our feelings. Jasper held me tight against him. Our bodies were moving at their own accord to create this delicious friction between us. "I love you so much," Jasper's confessions of love were always heart-breaking. I couldn't breathe or even think after that. I swung my hips again and again, chasing this intense feeling that built inside me. Jasper's hold became tighter as his orgasm approached.

My body arched, allowing Jasper's lips to close around my Adam's apple. He sucked and licked as if his life depended on it. That was what brought our cries out. Warm liquid flooded in my sweatpants and my vision became white. I was left shuddering in Jasper's arms, pressed so closed to him. I could feel his heart beating against mine.

I buried my face in his neck, sucking on his flesh. I wanted to mark him as mine. This way the world would know that he was the one who held my heart. "I love you," I whispered loud enough for him to hear. His answer was just an endless, warming caress on my back.

* * *

Saturday morning I was in the market buying some vegetables. There was an outdoor market every weekend on the main square. You could buy pretty much everything you wanted there: fruits, vegetables, fishes, meats, flowers. There was a pleasant atmosphere, characteristic of France. Everybody was yelling, mothers were running with their kids everywhere, and plenty of old couples wandering around buying a fruit or two. I loved it. This was what I liked about France, it was authentic.

I was walking down the street to get a baguette, alone. Jasper stayed at home, sleeping. We had a late evening. We went out with Florian and his new wife in Nice. Jasper had been pretty tired between school and everything, so I let him stay in.

I was almost there when my phone rang in my pocket.

_I'm out on an errand. Be back in an hour. Will ex__pect you in position in the bedroom at my return. J_

A shudder ran through my body. I immediately turned around and headed to the car, unable to stop smiling. Too bad for the baguette! My cock was already hardening. I couldn't wait to see what Jasper had prepared.

Fifteen minutes later, I was home. I quickly put down the groceries in the kitchen and jumped in the shower. I wanted to be fresh and clean for Jasper.

Time was flying by, I didn't have time to do anything. When I stepped out of the bathroom, I heard the keys in the lock. Panicking, I ran into the bedroom, wet and naked.

I was breathing heavily when Jasper entered. My knees were hurting a bit from kneeling on the floor. I didn't have time to put my usual pillow underneath.

"Good, Edward," Jasper said, taking his jacket off. "You have no idea how hot you look like this."

He came behind me and passed his hand through my wet hair. Fisting it, he brought my head back and said, "You remember our talk, right?" I saw vulnerability in his eyes. He was referring to the safe word.

I nodded, not sure he wanted me to talk.

"Okay then. Today is a special day, Edward." He took the whip out of the closet. My eyes widened a little seeing it. "You're going to learn true pleasure." Jasper cracked the whip in the air. The leather straps made the most arousing sound I had ever heard. "But first, do I need to restrain you, Edward?" There wasn't an ounce of softness in his voice.

I shook my head, taking long breath to calm myself.

"Are you sure? You aren't allowed to move with this little baby. I have to be sure," Jasper insisted, but I didn't want to be attached. Soon after we had begun our relationship, we had realized that while I enjoyed being handcuffs to the bed, total immobilization wasn't my thing. My first experience with Jasper had left its wounds.

"I'm sure," I said out loud. I could control myself.

"Alright," he replied, softly.

I shivered when his hand brushed against the back of my neck. It travelled down my back, stroking my muscles for a minute. Suddenly, Jasper pushed my upper body and I fell on my hands. I was on all fours.

The first slap came as a surprise. His hand struck my left cheek quickly. The feeling wasn't bad, but the sound… it was so erotic. My dick jumped a little.

Jasper waited a few seconds, probably to see if I was okay. His hand sneaked out from behind and grabbed my shaft. I hummed in response. He pumped two times and let go.

After that, I could barely remember anything. It was just the sound of flesh against flesh. I didn't register pain. I knew my skin was sensitive, but nothing I couldn't handle. What I couldn't forget was that I was harder than ever, the head of my dick was leaking profusely.

"You ready, handsome?" Jasper said, lightly stroking the sensitive area.

I was so excited, I could only nod. Anything… I would have accepted anything at this point.

Jasper grabbed the whip on the bed and repositioned himself behind me.

He waited and waited until I was about to beg and he d-

I yelped in surprise. The feeling spread across my body, awaking every nerve. It was amazing, even if I could tell Jasper was being gentle. The stings were there, but not really the pain.

I wiggled my ass, indicating I wanted more.

"You like that, don't you?" Jasper slid the whip between my ass cheeks, stopping at the small of my back. "Since it's your first time, you'll get ten blows." He had trouble breathing. "After…" The whip slid back. Jasper pressed the end of the whip in my entrance. My moan was cut short by the sudden movement.

_Strike._

"Count," Jasper ordered.

"O-one," I said, trying to find my voice.

_Strik__e…_ "Two." I wanted more. I felt so alive.

_Strike__…_ "Th-three." My God, I wasn't sure of anything. It felt so good my mind was about to explode.

_Strike_… I was losing count.

_Strike__…_ My body started to tremble.

_Strike_… The force I was using not to move caused my muscles to tighten.

_Strike… _Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes.

_Strike…_ Oh God, I needed to come, to move, to do anything to get my release.

_Strike_…"Nine," Jasper said, bending over my back. "One more, Edward, do you think you can take it?" His voice was a sweet murmur in my ears while his hot breath warmed my sweaty neck.

"Y-yes, Jasper," I groaned, nodding. "Please, touch me, pl-" My pleading was cut short by the last strike, the straps slapping my aching balls. I whimpered, begging incoherently for release.

Jasper threw the whip away and knelt behind me. I was too far gone. I needed to come. My body was aching from staying in the same position. Words exited my mouth, but I didn't understand them. My ears were still resonating with the sound of the whip. I felt dizzy.

Jasper took me out of my thoughts by sliding his erect cock against my crack.

I hissed, feeling the sensitivity of my ass with Jasper's hands spreading my cheeks apart.

"You see what you're doing to me? You look so hot, your pink little ass offered to me." Jasper gave a light spank. I hissed again at the contact. "You're mine, Edward." He bent over my back, his cock trying to breach my entrance. "Mine," he said, roughly.

"Please, Jasper. I need you inside. Make me come. Only you can. Please," I was shamelessly begging.

Without any warming, Jasper pushed two lubed fingers inside me, making me gasp and arch my back. _God, he's so skilled,_ I thought. _He knows exactly what to do to drive me crazy._ In the beginning of our relationship, I had my reticence regarding Jasper fucking me. After what happened the last time we'd fucked, I didn't want anyone near my ass. Fortunately, Jasper's endless promises of never hurting me again smoothed my fears. There was still this second of doubt when he penetrated me, but it passed as quickly as it arrived. Jasper wasn't the same man; he loved me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I was sure of it.

Jasper's fingers were moving inside me, rapidly preparing me for his cock. A couple of minutes after, I pushed back against him, silently telling him that I was ready. He didn't waste time. In matter of seconds, Jasper was balls deep inside me, touching places he was the only one allowed to.

I sighed, finally complete. Each time Jasper was inside me I had this feeling of being home. It was amazing. Whether we had hard, crazy sex or slow, love making, I felt complete.

His hand caressed my spine, and I knew it was a sign that he was going to move. I took a deep breath, but it was caught in my throat by Jasper pulling out completely before slamming back forcefully. His hips were angled in a way that made him touch my sweet spot each time.

My hands fisted on the floor. I tried to absorb Jasper's pacing by pushing back, but it was impossible. My orgasm was already building inside me, making my limbs numb.

I tried and tried to keep myself up, but I couldn't. At one point, I gave up and sank on the floor. My cock trapped against the floor and my belly.

It didn't stop Jasper. He continued to take me away, bring me to the sweet bliss I was craving.

I didn't remember much after; just that my world cracked in two and let Jasper in. I had never felt so loved. Jasper's arms gripped my upper body against him. His cries filled my ears when he came inside me. A few seconds passed and I yelled my pleasure, quivering underneath him while he held me tight.

His lips closed on my neck and he bit, leaving his mark on my skin and my soul. I blacked out under the wave of emotions.

* * *

Jasper half carried me into the shower. My legs were no longer able to support me. I came so hard, for so long. It had been amazing. I had never thought I would react that way to the whip, it was incredible.

"Edward, you need to hold yourself up alone. I'm going to clean you up," Jasper said rubbing the soap bar in his hands.

"Hmm, yeah soaping. I got some pretty dirty areas," I purred my eyes half closed, still high from my orgasm. I grabbed his hand and guided it to my groin.

Jasper chuckled, but still rubbed my cock. My hand was around his, following the motion. I could feel myself grow. Stopping his movement at the head, his forefinger grazed the sensitive zone. "Is this what you're talking about?" His finger made small circles over and over.

I shuddered, my arms going around Jasper's shoulders for support. "Please, don't stop," I murmured. "Pl-" I couldn't form words anymore. Jasper had increased the pressure of his finger.

"We shouldn't be doing this," he said, but I felt his cock rubbing against my hips. "Your parents arrive in an hour. We don't have time." Jasper was out of breath.

"It'll be quick. God knows when next time will be," I said, taking hold of his shaft.

"Okay," Jasper nodded, pushing me against the wall. He pressed his body against mine and I squeezed our cocks together. I pumped us slowly while devouring his mouth. Jasper's tongue was driving me crazy. Our connection was so strong.

Jasper slid his hand against mine, and we stroked ourselves in time, crushing our cocks tighter. My mind gave up and my body moved, thrusting in our hands. I was desperate; I wanted to show Jasper how much I loved him, how much he meant to me. I clinched his upper body against mine, craving to feel closer to him all the while knowing that we could never be close enough.

Jasper stopped our kiss, panting. We locked our stare and I lost myself in his eyes.

"Come, Edward," he said, but I barely noticed. I was already gone, squeezing my eyes shut.

Seconds after, we were crawling on the shower's floor, breathing hard. Jasper was caressing my hair, trying to bring me back, but it was too much, too soon. My heart couldn't stop. I brought Jasper against me, and hugged him close. I concentrated on him, praying that it would never stop, that he would never leave me.

"Shh, shh, it's okay. Slow down," Jasper tried to smooth my emotions with soft words. I felt him taking the shampoo bottle and he began to wash my hair.

When he was done and we were all clean, I opened my eyes. I felt better. Of course, picking up my parents at the airport was the last thing I wanted to do, but since we were supposed to have dinner at Jasper's parents' house after, I had no choice.

Jasper looked at me and searched my eyes. Once he saw I was fine, he nodded and guided me to the bedroom. He wouldn't mention my little overreaction. He knew that sometimes I was still not used to this level of emotions.

"Hurry up, we have to go," he said, smiling. "And just so you know, I'll tell your parents it's your fault we're late." He smirked while grabbing a shirt.

Looking at him, I couldn't believe it. For the first time in twenty-nine years, I was truly happy. Our life wasn't perfect, we still had our downs, but it was mine. I had been chasing this for so long. Now that it was here, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I shook my head, and grabbed the first clothes I found. I had to hurry; my life was waiting.

_~-The end-~_


	21. Thank you note

Sorry for the fake update, this story is really over, but I have one last thing to say.

Yesterday, I learned that I was nominated at the Slash award ( .com) in the Best BDSM-"Grab your paddles, which story had you spanked?" Category (great name by the way!).

I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for being nominated. This is AMAZING. I know I won't win (and I say that with zero remorse), but just the fact of being nominated… it's unbelievable. Wow, just wow!

I put so much work and energy in this story; I know that it's not perfect, but it's my baby. I can't believe that someone would even want to read it (let-alone nominate).

So for all of you who followed me throughout this story, again thank you. This could not have been done without you. Your kind word and support gave me the courage to go through with it and finished the story. This is truly for you.

Thanks again, Eli ;)


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